[mskty2005]

Its been 35 years since the first time he touched me and 33 years since he was removed from my life, but not one day goes by that he is not the biggest part of me and my life.
When my step father molested me, he set my life on a course that I haven't been able to escape from yet. It has dictated my relationships, my religious views, my work ethic, my mental health. I will be 40 this December and I want to know who I really am.
I have been to councellors and psychiatrists. I have been diagnosed with every personality disorder there is. I have taken the medications. Nothing has helped.

I have been married five times. I gave birth to four children, only raised one, and had two abortions. I have not spoken to my parents in three or four years. My oldest daughter will have nothing to do with me. My younger daughter only speaks to me every other month or so. My other two children I have not seen or heard from since they were born.

I have no close friends. I cannot keep a job. I have no business being married, let alone doing it five times.

I despise and distrust men. I loathe most women. For most of my adult years , I had a very high opinion of myself. Now I have a low opinion of myself but I still value life.

I rebelled against all preconceived notions, moral values, laws, rules, commandments, etc.. I set out to form my own values and opinions; and while I was no role model or woman of the year; I did stick to my value system and damn any who tried to force me to do ohterwise.

I wanted to be loved, but had no idea what love was. Still don't.
I used and manipulated most people using my greater experience and lack of compassion. I never atoned for my mistakes. I believed that I had already paid in full from the ages of five to 13, and owed nothing to anyone.

I blamed God, my parents, my step father, society, cops, doctors, everyone for my problems.

I self medicated and self destructed over and over again. I destroyed other people.

For the past seven years or so, I have suffered from severe depression. I don't have the energy to fight and I don't have the will to allow everyone else to dictate my future.

I want to put it all behind me, but I can't. I want to accept it and move on, but I know that there is some fundamental piece of me missing. I know there are some lessons I can learn, and I know there are some coping techniques I can use to deal with what I can't. But, I don't believe I will ever be a whole and complete person in this lifetime.

I want family, friends, vacations, christmas dinners, etc.. But I need it to be real. I have no room in my life for anyone else to disappoint me or betray my trust (not that I ever really give it to them in the first place).

I am crazy. But, part of me needs that crazy ***** just to get out of bed every day; well, nearly every day.

I don't know where to turn to. I am incapable of trust. I don't know what love is. I have either no control over my emotions, or complete control to the point of being described as aloof and cold.

I don't want to hurt myself,and I have never considered suicide. On the other hand, I sometimes have graphic visions of committing murder, especially when confronted with any man that I know has committed a violent act toward a woman or child. Sometimes, it takes all I have not to act on the impulse. In earlier years, I usually failed to curb that violent streak in me completely and gained quite a reputation as a badass *****. I truly enjoyed hospitalizing abusive men.

But in the last ten years I haven't gotten into any physical confrontations. Well, at least not ones that I actively participated in. I have since then, allowed my significant others to be physically violent with me.

I don't know why. I don't really care. I think maybe I'm hoping they'll snap me out of this funk. I spent years trying to kill my emotions, now I'd give anything to have one.

Is any of this normal? Or am I truly alone?

And being alone is my greatest fear. I never admitted that before, not even to myself. But this numbness I feel wont even allow pride to take hold of me.

I'm afraid I'm going to die this way. I feel like if I keep being numb to life, I'm inviting death. Like I'm tempting fate to take away what I show no interest in, like it did my family and children and men.

I have no interest in me. I cannot summon the will to save myself, but refuse to destroy myself either. I just wait. I take whatever life throws at me and I don't even blink. I don't care. I'm not happy or sad or afraid or in love or hate or satisfied ot hurt.

How can i escape myself

[healingone]

Welcome. You will find support here. I am sorry for your pain.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You have been thru hell. And somehow you weren't protected from this horrible step-father. I'll never understand how a parent cannot see the changes in a child who has been abused. I knew my daughter from the inside out - I could tell when ANYTHING upset her. So how can parents not know? I guess they just don't pay attention.

My friend, you are not lost. You haven't found the right counselor yet. Sometimes we have to go thru several therapist before we "click" with the right one! I've been thru quite a few, and then finally found the one that I could REALLY relate to -- she was wonderful. She and I could 'click' -- she seemed to be able to see right thru me. I couldn't hold back or lie to her even if I wanted to!

I was numb too. While I hadn't gone thru the extreme abuse you had, I'd lived with an abusive husband for about 23-24 yrs at that time and he'd taken everything away from me -- my self-esteem, ability to make decisions, my power. My therapist showed me how to take my power BACK. And by doing that, I was also able to get my emotions back because my self-esteem returned, I wasn't laying on the floor being a doormat anymore, and I got angry!!! And when I get angry, I cry! LOL I cried a boatload of tears. It felt good to be able to cry again. I felt like a wall had come down and I was human again.

You're not crazy. And you're not alone. It's just that no therapist has really UNDERSTOOD what you've been put thru and what you're going thru! It would be idea if you could find one who has gone thru something similar herself! But it would be hard to know who that would be, unfortunately. All I can tell you is to keep looking for a good therapist that you "click" with -- interview a therapist before you "sign on" with them. Many therapist will let you do that -- you SHOULD do that before starting sessions with ANY therapist.

I know you've probably had your fill of therapy, but I can see no other option, my friend. You need help. I wish I could help you, but I can't. Just know that there are others "out here" who understand. And I say again that you are NOT crazy!!!

I wish you the very best -- God bless you and please take care. Big hugs, Lee