[citygirl1987]

Hello,

I never thought I'd be writing on a forum, but I am confused on where to turn.

Three months ago, my boyfriend of two years choked me out in his apartment for no reason. I have since pressed charges and I have a six-month restraining order against him. He had put his hands on me before, but really he was extrememly verbally abusive throughout our entire relationship. I am 25 and, while young, I feel like I've always had a strong head on my shoulders. Until I met him, that is. The slow drip of things he would say to me destroyed my confidence and even led me to several suicide attempts. I was very much in love with him, and sometimes I wish that he actually did kill me because that would hurt less than what I'm going through right now.

It's safe to say that he is a sociopath. He is extremely good looking, charming and conniving. He has been doing drugs (cocaine) since he was about 21 or 22 and I have every reason to believe that his drug use has a lot to do with the attack. I had gone to sleep one night when he was having a party, and I don't think he ever fell asleep. I woke up to him stewing over who knows what - he didn't want to even talk about it. I went to get him some water and while my back was turned, he choked me to the point that I passed out. When I came to, he was yelling at me for pretending to be dead. His neighbors heard me scream and ended up taking me in, and they told me that they weren't surprised he would do that because of his previous relationships. He has turned all of his friends against me and now has a new girlfriend, which crushes me because I'm still so heartbroken.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I have been on several medications. I'm off them all now, I think it was prolonging the misery because I couldn't feel anything... not even a hint of happiness, ever. I was laid off from my job the day he went to jail, literally within minutes of me recieving his mugshot from the police via email to confirm his identity.

I've spoken to friends but I can tell they are growing tired of the subject, but this is still very hard on me. I miss him like crazy and can't wait for the restraining order to be over. I just want to know what is going through his head. His "girlfriend" definately has no clue what the real story is - but she is Australian and has to return about a week before the restraining order is over. My hairdresser told me that he had once started dating a girl with a very similair setup after a breakup because there was no real commitment. As you can see, I'm holding onto a weird sense of hope that he at least misses me. I loved him so much and I wanted to make him the happiest man in the world, but he thought I should be dead and sometimes I think I should be, too. I cry all the time, can't sleep... I recently got my dream job and even went on an amazing trip to Paris recently... but I can hardly feel happy for myself. I just feel ugly, stupid and replaceable. I know it's for the best, but I am beyond miserable.

I don't want to get back with him... I just want to rest my head on his chest one more time. I want to stop crying. I want him to reach out when this is over, and I want to remain silent just to break his heart like he broke mine... though that would have to mean that he still cared and I don't think he ever did. I have flashbacks, I replay every day of our relationship over and over in my head and I wonder if I was a better girlfriend maybe he would find value in me. I threw him surprise parties, made him gifts and did my best to let him know he meant the world to me. I thought that when he was mean to me, he just needed to be loved. So I loved him more, and more... and now I'm crying in bed on a beautiful Saturday afternoon and he is probably not even thinking twice about any of this.

I need help.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome! Well, to answer your question, you were so attached to him that you wish you could be with him again. But remember he is not normal and not good for you.

I suggest you talk to a therapist about him. I think that would be the approach to take to help you get this out of your system. It is important that you be able to move on.