My Story PART II. Why I do what I do.

******RAPE ****** TRIGGER****** DO NOT PROCEED******

I have been working on overcoming my aversion to touch. I am having an incredabibly hard time. I can't seem to get over this last hump. I have no desire to touch my husband. HE touches me and I freeze. I don't know what to do. It sounds easy just touch or hug back. But all I can do is freeze.It is putting a strain on our relationship. I have put part of one of my other stories here as a way of breaking the silence. It has helped very much. I can't explain how it has helped it is odd just sharing my story. It is like I am giving part of it away and don't have to carry it all alone anymore. I hope you all don't mind me venting. I am just so confused about things. It pains me even more now to know that it is hurting my husband when I am not affectionate towards him. I don't return the hugs or anything. I don't know where to start or how so bare with me please.

I used to work on a horse farm. I wanted to show my boyfriend the place I worked. We were renovating. New stalls were being built. We ended up in a stall. I remember it had no roof and smelled like pine and had fresh sawdust. It smelled so good. When we were in the stall he wanted to take my shirt off. I protested more than normal. It didn’t do any good. I had on shorts and a shirt. I ended up shirtless and braless. He has me stand up in front of him so he could just look at me. He touched me and felt of me. I felt so defenseless. I felt like an object, something to look at and touch. I couldn’t scream. I didn’t want anyone to find me this way. It did no good to try to make him stop. So I just stood there and let him touch me. My mind DEFINITELY went somewhere else. He touched my breasts and I didn’t like it. I hated it. I stood w/ my hands to my side as he felt of me. He didn’t get the reaction he wanted and went behind me so I had my back against him. His goal was to bring me back from where I was mentally. I was not enjoying it like he was. It was harder indeed to remain mentally gone especially when I couldn’t see him. But I did and eventually he stopped. But that was not the end.

Caution turn back now if you don't want to know what happened.



He took a bucket and had me put a leg up on it. I had on shorts mind you. So he finally had access to what he really wanted. He took his fingers and put them in my shorts and touched my private parts. He got no reaction. He took his fingers and put them inside of me. I didn’t like it. I hated it. I felt even more used than normal. I had no feeling of enjoyment that I know of and my body didn’t respond w/ pleasure. I know I was so mentally gone. He could have done so much more to me, think God he didn’t. In anger we left the barn and he badgered me all afternoon. We went out for the evening, I should have never gotten in the truck with him. After much begging and pleading and not taking me home He got what he wanted. He always did. I always fall for this, I know what will happen and I go with him anyway. He would not take me home and I would be the one in trouble if I didn;t get home on time. He made me do oral. We were in the truck and he pushed my head down on to him and made me do it. I hated it. I hated him, but when it was over he always made me feel like I was loved. All I ever wanted was to be wanted and loved.

My main goal in life now that I have had the courage to tell my H this is to get over this and learn to be normal again. I don't think I can. I have been doing EMDR. I don't know if it is working or not. It sounds a little crazy but I guess I have nothing to lose at this point really.

I told my H what happened after 18 years. He had no idea why I don't do some things. But he has a hard time grasping why I do not like him to touch me. Anytime he approaches me I stand w/ my hands in front of my chest blocking him. Usually he just wants as hug. It hurts to know that what someone did to me is hurting my husband. He has become the victim of something that someone did to me. My H was not even in the picture and he is having to pay the price. It is not fair to me or him.

I don't know what kind of responce I am looking for. My frustration levels are very high and I hope this will lessen the stress a bit. Thank you for listening.

I can see why you don't like to be touched. I have read some stuff and I think it is a common theme to not feel good about yourself and to not want to be touched and reminded of what happened. What he did to you took away your value as a person. He took advantage of you and used your kind nature and niaveity to make you things you didn't want, and then force when you couldn't get you to do what he wanted you to do. I am sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened.

Yes he took advantage of you and maybe you should have stood back, but I think some part of you just wanted to feel loved. You wanted to be cared about nurtured. I wish you could have received this at such a young age, and I can imagine the lifelong repercussions from his abuse. He made you feel powerless and took away your fundamental right to say no, I don't want this to happen. He used your love for him against you and I hope you find a way to be at peace with what he did.

My only thought is try to find the strength in yourself. You are not that scared little girl you was when you were with that guy. You have the right to chose what you do, and the power to say no. I know your first response is to shut down when you feel that danger again, and dissociate. It is a way to cope, and I bet your mind still goes back to that place because you don't feel safe or in control. If you don't feel like you are there and your mind goes to a different place, terrible things are a lot easier to cope with.

Despite your problems with your husband, it sounds like a part of him loves and cares for you. Maybe if you took the lead, and initiated the contact it would be easier. Maybe if you have a word, to stop things, you will regain a sense of control that your old bf took with him. This is a common thing me and my wife do, although it is under much different circumstance, but it may give you a sense of control. I think the key is to feel safe and nurtured. Which I can imagine is a tall task for someone you have had so many problems with for a long time. He went to marriage counseling and he has made some effort to treat you better, so I think there is hope.

You are a strong woman, and I have faith you will make progress. It doesn't happen overnight, but try to make small steps. Maybe when he does something nice, or is being kind to you try holding hands. Try to not let your mind turn things off. Try to focus on how it physically feels. Are his hands, cold, hot. Are they soft or hard and calloused. I think every small step is progress. I hope you can heal from what happened so long ago to you. You deserve to feel safe and in control.

Adam, thank you so much for your kind words. It means alot to me to have you care enough to respond. I am learning. I am learning that it is ok to talk to men. I am using PC to do that. I am learning that men have feelings to and not just sexual ones.

My H has made great progress. I am hoping that with love and kindness that progress can be made. W/ the help of T we have decided to handle things in a strange to me way. If my H touches me I have to know in advance it doesn't mean sex. If sex is the plan I need to know in advance. Even if sex ends up being his plan after I touch him or he touches me there will be no sex. I most likely will not be the one thinking sex. If he has to go and take care of things then so be it. I can't be a part of that. So far that works well. He has to remind me, it's ok I promise it's not about sex. I need lots of help remembering that.

I am also hoping the EMDR stuff helps. Just the mention of touches makes me cringe. That is why we decided to go w/ EMDR. I am afraid for it to help, I don't know what I will do if I'm receptive and not fearful. The T says it is like someone filps a switch and one day it will be as natural as breathing, and we are not afraid to breath. It doesn't work for everyone though. But keep trying.

Adam, thank you so much for your encouraging words. It means alot to me to have people care. Espicially male people. Thanks. (((HUGS)))

Right now I am starting to rubs my H's back. Nothing sexual back there, I can't see his face, it is harnless. It does appear to be safe and harmless.

thanks so much for your story big mama.

I too have trouble left over from my experiences. I wish I could be better around men. I actually feel sorry that I can't right now.

I am so sorry your bf did that and that you and your h had to suffer like this.

It is not fair to anyone, I know.

I wish I could afford EMDR. Never had it before.

I guess I am doing massage therapy so that I can learn how to be touched in a safe way. Even that's tricky.

thanks again,

Carol

EMDR is part of traditional T. My T is able to do that as well as other stuff. We just finished hypnosis therapy so I can go to the dentist. We started w/ her for marriage T, not knowing that she specializes in trauma T. So all of these are the same price and as long as we/I am under her care we can use anything she is trained in and suggest for the same price.

Massage T. A good idea. My H got me a gift certificate for a massage for Christmas. I have yet to use it. That means some one would have to touch me.

Thank you very much for speaking here. I admire your courage. You are a strong woman.

I expect that massage therapists can be understanding. What if you first spoke to one by phone or email, perhaps anonymously, and ask how they work with those who fear touch?

Bill3, thank you for your kind words. Good idea, call or e-mail massage T and ask how do they work w/ those who fear touch. Some times we can't see the trees for the forest huh. Thanks for that.

I told the lady at the desk (massage clinic) straight up that I was an abuse survivor and they need to only address certain areas of my body.

It went very well.

I like the idea of meeting the therapist.

Carol