[Solepa]

Hi I´m feeling kind of overwhelmed with my memories right now. Trying to put things in perspective and deal with them. I had my past locked away for long time and now because I started therapy it is coming out and it is hard for me sometimes it feels toxic in a way. I did not precive my childhood as bad or that I was abused but more I think about it the more this happy childhood picture is fading away. I still have problem with coming to terms what was really happening and I would be grateful if anybody can maybe help me a little? I felt for very long time I´m not grateful enough because I´m adopted so I never told anyone and I never complained. I always thought I should be happy I got home and roof above my head and food and that my life could have been much worst but.... it was not so great and easy eather.
( I don´t know maybe the text below can trigger somebody)
My father was an alcoholic and was very mean to me. Since I was 5 yo he would never say anything nice to me and would never show me love in any kind way. I spend a lot of time alone with him and he would play some crazy "games" with me. He made them up to improve my self control and made me extremely scared of him. But he never beat me so I always thought it was not so bad compared to others. But he did hurt me physically in a way... he would for example take away gloves for cooking and made me to take hot pot in my hands to hurt me. Does this count as physical abuse?? He would not let me go to toilet for hours and that also hurt after a while or stand by the wall for hours untill I sometimes collapsed..... well what kind of abuse is this?
Sorry I´m confused

[Leed]

You BET IT'S ABUSE!!! My God, he BURNED you!! Making you take a hot pot with your bare hands??? YES, that's abuse!!

And not letting you use the bathroom?? Of course that's abuse! That can damage the kidneys & bladder, for heavens sakes! How awful!

And standing in a corner until you collapse? That's abuse, for sure!

What kind of an animal was this man? Did you ever tell your Mom, or were you afraid to? If you told her, did she believe you? Probably not. But didn't she see the burns on your hands?

I hope you have told your therapist about all this. This needs to be discussed, because it definitely IS abuse!! It doesn't matter if your father was an alcoholic or not -- abuse is abuse!!!

Bless your heart, I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. I hope your therapist can help you come to grips with it. Be sure you talk about it, and get it all out! God bless you sweetie. And keep talking about it if you need to. We'll be here. Hugs, Lee

[tinyrabbit]

I know what you mean about the picture fading away and the toxic memories coming out. I'm sorry you were hurt.

[Solepa]

Hi thank you very much for your support. Leed my father was just angry man that was lost and overwhelmed in his own life. He was not a bad person and he loved me (I know that now) but when he was drinking he just needed to let some of his anger and guilt out and I was handy. Maybe he was angry at himself for loosing control so much over his life he wanted me to fail too not to be alone in it that is why he made all these "games" for me. I don´t really know. Unfortunately he was drinking everyday hard stuff so I never saw again the kind, funny and nice father he was before I turned 5yo.
I know it was abuse just not sure about the kind (emotional, verbal, psychological, physical) but I guess it doesn´t really matter anyway.
I did tell my mum but my father was usually more succesful with his version of the events. My mum was not dealing well with my father and his problems so she spent a lot of time at work. I cried and pleaded for her to come home sooner but she would not. So after some time I gave up.
I think I was more angry at her at one point in my life for her inability to protect me. But now I know she was just doing the best she could she was just not strong enough to take care of herself and me at the same time.
I know I need to deal with these things in therapy and I will. Thank you guys have a nice day

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Allowing someone to hold a pot without a potholder. thats hurting someone on purpose---abuse. Making them stand by a wall until collapsing. That's abuse. Making them not go to the bathroom. Yes, it's abuse.

It can really break our hearts facing what our parents/parental figures did to us. I know. And I am so sorry.

I am still coming to terms with my own experiences.

I still wish I could go back and see that "picture" again. And I am also relieved that I am no longer running from it. I can validate myself now. To h with being grateful for a "home". I am grateful she did not kill me and that I no longer live with her!

It hurts.

No, your father was not a bad person, and neither was my aunt. They were both angry and had their problems.

But...

Every child needs and wants and *deserves* care and love.

Not this.

Carol

[Solepa]

I day dreamed a story that describes how I feel in a way:

A small child (girl) was locked in a dark room. She was waiting for somebody to get her out of there. Sometimes she tried to scream for help but nobody listened. As time went everybody forgot about her in the dark room and house was build around it. Big fancy house that was great for fun but it was cold and impersonal. A young women lived there. People came and went for parties and the child could hear them but could not reach them. She felt so scared, confused and lonely, she just wished somebody would hold her and would make her feel safe. But nobody seemed to hear her or knew about her so she cried alone scared of the dark small space.

10 years went by and the girl became very angry she would be so full of pain her screams became very powerful and strong. Now she could make the big house shake, make the walls crack and break all the glass in it. People did not come to the parties anymore because of it. Only the women was still living there. She was scared she did not know who or what is destroing her house, she could only hear the screams and see the demage. The house started to look horrible and it was hard to live in it. So the women decided to find out what was happening.

After weeks of searching she found this old door in the basement with a big lock on it. She could hear small child pleading her to unlock the door and let her out. But the women was scared that the child will hurt her she was so powerful she could even break walls what she would do to her? First she even thought she could put more locks on the door and made some sound proof walls around the small room and just leave the girl there. She could fix the house and have parties again nobody would know the child ever existed. But after some thinking she felt sorry for the girl and she could not possibly leave her there it would be so cruel.

The problem is she doesn´t have keys for the lock, they are special you can´t buy them anywhere. So now the women often sits by the door and the girl talkes about her story and the women listens even it is sad and hard. Later when she walks around her empty and run down house she sometimes wishes she could go back to the parties and ignorance but she is not able to forget about the girl now.

She has to find out how to ulock the door.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Solepa

my father was just angry man that was lost and overwhelmed in his own life

Mine too.

The story you wrote is really powerful. Have you considered showing it to your T?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Solepa

I day dreamed a story that describes how I feel in a way:

A small child (girl) was locked in a dark room. She was waiting for somebody to get her out of there. Sometimes she tried to scream for help but nobody listened. As time went everybody forgot about her in the dark room and house was build around it. Big fancy house that was great for fun but it was cold and impersonal. A young women lived there. People came and went for parties and the child could hear them but could not reach them. She felt so scared, confused and lonely, she just wished somebody would hold her and would make her feel safe. But nobody seemed to hear her or knew about her so she cried alone scared of the dark small space.

10 years went by and the girl became very angry she would be so full of pain her screams became very powerful and strong. Now she could make the big house shake, make the walls crack and break all the glass in it. People did not come to the parties anymore because of it. Only the women was still living there. She was scared she did not know who or what is destroing her house, she could only hear the screams and see the demage. The house started to look horrible and it was hard to live in it. So the women decided to find out what was happening.

After weeks of searching she found this old door in the basement with a big lock on it. She could hear small child pleading her to unlock the door and let her out. But the women was scared that the child will hurt her she was so powerful she could even break walls what she would do to her? First she even thought she could put more locks on the door and made some sound proof walls around the small room and just leave the girl there. She could fix the house and have parties again nobody would know the child ever existed. But after some thinking she felt sorry for the girl and she could not possibly leave her there it would be so cruel.

The problem is she doesn´t have keys for the lock, they are special you can´t buy them anywhere. So now the women often sits by the door and the girl talkes about her story and the women listens even it is sad and hard. Later when she walks around her empty and run down house she sometimes wishes she could go back to the parties and ignorance but she is not able to forget about the girl now.

She has to find out how to ulock the door.

I feel similarly.

thanks so much.

Carol

[islandbreeze]

Yes its child abuse, I relate with you, my father was more about control and mental abuse.I am still intimidated of any authority figure.

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Mine too.

The story you wrote is really powerful. Have you considered showing it to your T?

Hi tinyrabbit, I would love to show it to my T unfortunately she refuses to read anything I write down so no luck there for me. She has some reasons we need to talk about more. A lot of the stuff I write down I can´t say personally so there is a lot she doesn´t get to know. She is kind of tough with me but I know she means well.
Take care

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by islandbreeze

Yes its child abuse, I relate with you, my father was more about control and mental abuse.I am still intimidated of any authority figure.

Hello Islanddbreeze, I´m sorry your father was like this.
Mine was crazy about control all these games just for that. I don´t know if he wanted me to succeed or fail but he sure made me a control freak among other things.
Take care

[Solepa]

Today I was thinking if I would like my T to ever touch me. I have so many mixed feelings about it. The child in me would love some kind no sexual touch or hug or anything...but me as an adult hates to being touched. A lot of the time I feel I´m too disgusting to be touched. Like I sure smell horrible because I didn´t have a shower in last 5 minutes or something like that. So the result of this is that I wish somebody would touch me but I feel scared they would think I´m disgusting.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Solepa

Hi tinyrabbit, I would love to show it to my T unfortunately she refuses to read anything I write down so no luck there for me. She has some reasons we need to talk about more. A lot of the stuff I write down I can´t say personally so there is a lot she doesn´t get to know. She is kind of tough with me but I know she means well.
Take care

I hope she can explain those reasons. I wouldn't want a therapist not to read anything I write. I feel that it's very therapeutic for us, them reading it, because it's a reflection of what I am working on.

Although I do respect each person's method. I prefer if they do read things.

Carol

[Solepa]

Today I think I´m starting to realize a lot of things. It is hard because I still feel all the situations that happened have two very different ways to look at them.

I could live with the same ideas and views like I did all this time that nothing serious ever happened to me and that I had no real worries, which would just make me weird. Because it would mean I´m just over sensitive and probably born mentaly unstable = I´m crazy and I don´t have a reason for it.

Or I can see it as many bad things happened, some things that are just very hard to deal with and called them all these horrible names like abuse,...,.... (the others I can´t even write down). Which would explain why I have problems and that maybe I was not born defective and broken after all. I just got this way later and it was not solely my fault.

I dunno which one to choose right now the second seems so much harder to deal with. I don´t want to be a victim.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I would rather do the second one. It is harder. But the first one will make me blame myself again.