[cricket67]

I am new to this site, and I also need advice. I have been trying to cope with my problems alone for quite some time. I have seen doctors and therapy, and they only seen fit to dose me up on high doses and cocktails of dangerous drugs that left me not even knowing where I was. So I decided that maybe I should go it alone for awhile. Since I have been struggling, I felt that joining a group could help me, a place where I could vent and perhaps receive some advice. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and very high PTSD. I am a survivor of childhood molestation. I backslid recently, because the molester came back into the family fold once again, after 37 years. long story short, when I was 6 my father brought home a friend of his from work and my mother had started an affair with him, for about a year, once my father found out it ended but the entire time he was seeing my mother he was molesting me at night when everyone else was asleep and he was allowed to spend the night. After the year ended my mother and father stayed married for a total of 55 years, ( unhappy of course) my father recently died in 2010 and a month later my mother sought this man out. I had told her when I turned 18 what he did, but she refused to believe me. In my quest for answers, I know why she didn't believe me, because she could never think that she wasn't enough for this man, it would have taken her self esteem away if she admitted that he could actually be attracted to a 6 year old rather than her. Anyhow, she sought him out and of course he was 22 years younger than her so he is 55 years old now, and married, but he ran right over ( he always knew that my father and mother saved money) and of course within a few weeks he convinced her to put him in the will. He comes over about once a week and they are intimate, but that is the extent of it, he already told her he would never leave his wife. He makes many excuses not to see her, she is 75 years old, and is every bit 75 if that makes it clear without being rude. I haven't yet crossed paths with him, but all of this has happened since 2010. I was doing ok up until then, and when he was back in the family that he had the courage to come back knowing what he did, it only amplified my disorders and anxiety and PTSD by 100. I was functioning my whole life, struggling but functioning, and when he came back, I actually felt as though I was falling from the highest building, things were zooming past my face at warp speed and to this day three years later, it hasn't slowed down, I feel like I am in a race, even when I go to sleep, I have to take 5 benedryls and I race to go to sleep, and race to wake up, it's as if nothing is comfortable, sleeping, being awake, grocery stores, nothing is comfortable. My mother has never worked one day in her life, she bossed my father around and he worked the same job everyday for 40 some years and provided a good living for us and for her. I am now my mothers caregiver, I don't live with her, but I spend so much time on the phone and taking her to doctors. I feel betrayed, not sure by who, I have to take care of the mother that basically let a horrible thing happen to me, and wouldn't believe me, and now I am left with her. I have to listen what a piece of *($& I am, and how wonderful of a man this guy is, and it's constant, So I just feel that it's time I reach out, and maybe feel some comfort. I also developed Crohns disease about 7 years ago, and I am in very poor health, but yet my mother doesn't care. no empathy, no sympathy. nothing. I am divorced, not capable of having a relationship, because i don't trust men at all, I have a 25 year old son who lives with me, he is a huge support for me, and he see's how cruel my mother is. But i hope that I can help other people here as well as advice and comfort from others. Thank you.

[scarybrat22]

I don't know what to say other than

[BrokenNBeautiful]

That must be so hard for you.

I am glad you found this place at PC.

You took a big step coming here; took a lot of courage.

Also going it alone; that's hard. I am doing that too, for similar reasons. I got medicated to *death* and never really validated for my abuse stuff. Just told with and without words, "Carol, you just need to shape up."

Welcome.

Carol, fellow adult molested child

[cricket67]

First of all, I am amazed to the responses, I have wrote on different sites and never had a response. I sort of felt good by letting it out, but what a difference responses make. THANK YOU!! We all want to be heard, we know that we are going to probably struggle the rest of our lives with the horrible memories, but deep down, being heard is really more than medication could provide. I feel release when someone hears me. So again thank you for that.
I have since read a book called the Mean Mother. about a Narcissistic Personality disorder, believe this, My mother has this. For the first time I actually could read something that does exist and that my mother fits every single symptom. This answered so many questions, I told this to my sister who is 10 years older and wasn't around for most of the nightmare that was going on, but she suffered a different type of abuse. She was the first born and the only child for ten years, and my mother would make her cover for her, example, My mom was calling " someone" I was very small at this time, but I remember the abuse my sister took, but my mom was calling someone long distance, and the phone bill was very high, so my mom didn't want our dad to see it, so she told my sister to take the receipt with her to the bowling party she was going to, ( at this time, you could pay your phone bills at hardware stores and places like that back in the 70s) so my mom would make her go in sometimes and pay the bill. So she told my sister to say she had the receipt and that she accidentally threw it out at the bowling alley. So later on that night our father asked our mother for the receipt and my mom said, " oh Cathy, didn't give me the receipt back" so our dad went into Cathy's room and asked her for it, and Cathy started to shake and she pretended to look for it in her coat pocket, and she didn't come up with it, so he asked her where it was, and she told him that she must have accidentally threw it out at the bowling alley like our mom told her to say, my dad grabbed her and threw her in the truck and drove her to the bowling alley and he literally made her dig through every trash container in the place, she was crying hysterically the whole time, of course it was never in the trash cans, so my dad took her back home where this time he took her bedroom door off the hinges and he took every thing off her shelves and proceeded to put them in the attic. My mom never once came forward to admit what happened, and she let her daughter take the punishment. My sister covered for her all the time, but when my sister would get in some sort of little trouble, my mom would be there waiting for our dad to drive up and tell him what she did, and many times she would be hit, and punished. I couldn't understand this loyalty my sister had for our mother. I just knew that I didn't and wouldn't.
My sister grew up nervous and panicked, and shy, and distant, until one day when she was 20, I came home from school, and I was 10 years old, and I seen her in her bed literally acting like the exorcist, she was sobbing and flopping around in her bed, and my dad and mom were standing at the foot of her bed, she was begging to be taken to the hospital, she wanted to go to the psyche ward. ( I could understand), and finally they did take her and she was admitted for probably over a month. To this day she hasn't been able to hold down a job, and she still see's all these doctors and on top of it has had many toes amputated due to severe diabetes. My mom will talk about her, they live a block away from each other and have no relationship, but my mom will tell me things like. " good I'm glad she is getting her toes cut off, maybe they will cut her foot off, and then her leg, she is getting paid back for everything she ever did" I sit there in total disgust. I tell her to not talk like that, and my mom will say, " when did you get so Holy" ? I will say, it's not Holy, but it's just not right to talk like that about your daughter. She calls her a big fat this or that. and the other week, which was the last time I talked to my mother, I have cut communications with her as well, the final straw was, my mom started to talk about why I couldn't make my marriage last and that he was a great guy, well I said you don't know what goes on behind closed doors mom, and my mom said it's just because I wanted to go run around and see other men, I said that isn't true and You know it, I said, and she said, " well I did what I was suppose to do raising my kids, I was a great mom, and you and your sister never showed me respect" I said " well mom, respect has to be earned, I said was it right that you had an affair in the family house, in front of me" she replied, in the nastiest devilish tone, now remember I was only 6 when she was having this affair, " You were both nosey little bastards, you should have stayed in your rooms" I yelled back at her, with " that was MY house, how was I suppose to know that I couldn't go in the kitchen, or in the den to look for my cat, and when I went in the den with no door, I seen you giving him oral sex, and the best you could say to me was " get out, go to your room" and you continued. I said was that moral mom? was that the proper nice mother you are referring too? so that was really the last conversation I had with her last week, and now the only person she has is the married guy, that is only in it for the money, so my sister and I are waiting to see how long he can deal with her constant demands on his time, that he doesn't want to give, because now he is her only care taker. Before I was the buffer and he didn't have to do all the trivial chores, but he does now. again sorry for the long winded stories but it does feel very good to get it off my chest. I guess I want whoever reads this to get a better idea of the situation. I do have a horrible anger problem,which is probably why I am becoming anti social, and hermit like. Hopefully something will change. Thank you all again for listening. I would also love to hear your stories, please feel free to write and commiserate. God bless you all. Christy

[cricket67]

Originally Posted by scarybrat22

I don't know what to say other than

Thank You so much. I appreciate that. truly it made me feel good. I have kept all this in so long it feels great to get it out. I would love to hear your story, please feel free to write would so welcome it. like I said I don't socialize much, if at all, so please let me hear from you!! Christy,

[cricket67]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

That must be so hard for you.

I am glad you found this place at PC.

You took a big step coming here; took a lot of courage.

Also going it alone; that's hard. I am doing that too, for similar reasons. I got medicated to *death* and never really validated for my abuse stuff. Just told with and without words, "Carol, you just need to shape up."

Welcome.

Carol, fellow adult molested child

I love that quote from John Lennon,I didn't know he said that, and I have said that to my mom many times. Thank you for replying to my post, it does help to hear others stories. Again thank you so much, and I would love to hear your story as well. talking does help. Christy

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you have lived through so much hurt and that your mother has been so selfish.

(((Hugs)))