[shapawho12]

I was with my ex for just about 4 years. It got serious very fast and I was living with him within two months. After just 5 months I was pregnant with our first child because he refused to wear condoms, and he was my first and I just didn't think anything of it at the time. The fighting had started almost immediately over the different things I was doing wrong. When it first started I would defend myself and it would turn into me crying so hard I could barely breathe, but apologizing to him. I even let him talk his way out of cheating on me, which I at the time fully believed whatever he had said. I still to this day cant decide which I believe to be true. After our first child he was a great dad... for about a week, and then it was up to me to do everything and be with our child literally 24/7 and so that remained through our second child up until we broke up. It was a very rare opportunity that I had any time away from my children, not that I dont love them dearly, but of course everyone needs a break. I worked for first part of our relationship but he did not like the hours, or the fact that other men would be anywhere near me and I ended up being laid off when my place of work closed, and was not allowed to find another job. Not working I had no money of my own, and had to fight for the smallest things, down to toilet paper, or to have him pay our electricity bill.... he was from another country and vowed we could do without. I would ask for money from my father and lie about what it was for. My friends slowly stopped coming around because I was not allowed to have them over unless I did this or that chore, and if I saw friends outside of the house I would have to bring my children always, so I wouldn't "do anything I shouldn't"

Every day when we got home, he would go through my cell phone and ask me about every phone call/text/email that he didn't recognize and why I was talking to that person. If I happened to be looking in the general direction of another man I was accused of wanting to sleep with that random person, so I spent almost all of my time outside with him looking down.

One time I convinced him to let me go out to dinner with my very best friend. I was not allowed to drink in general but especially when he wasn't around to supervise my behavior... I decided to rebel and have ONE margarita with my friend at dinner. When I got home -perfectly sober- I was not allowed to see my children because I was drunk and a danger to them, and locked in the bathroom until I "sobered up".... that is until my younger started crying and I had to make him stop.

He would go to the shopping center next door to fill our water bottles, and not come back for 6 hours... if at all. I would be worried sick thinking he was hurt or arrested (not a legal citizen) and the best he would come up with was that he had gotten lost... walking to the shopping center that was literally attached to our complex. He would say he worked so hard that he deserved to have time by himself or with friends to relax, but I hadn't done anything to warrant the same privileges.

Every day I had to wake up and drive him to work at 4 am... with the kids. I would have to go back at 11 and bring him lunch that I had made at home, and back again at 3 to pick him up from work. He would always get off work but not come out to the car for about an hour and leave the children and I waiting in the car.

If he did ever give me money to spend I would always spend it on the "wrong things". He would often force us to pay rent late so he could buy himself new clothes or whatever else he "needed". I had the same clothes for the entire time we were together besides a few items from my pregnancies.

I was made to do all of the housework/cooking/laundry but no matter what it was never good enough. I was told every day what a bad mother I was for not doing this or that correctly.

Anytime I would get the courage to "break up" he would cry and tell me he was going to kill himself, or go back to where he was from. and of course yet again I would end up apologizing and making up. One time he told me if I was leaving him I had to leave my child (before the second was born) and he tried to pack her up and leave, I stood in the way and he pushed me up to they door, grabbed the closest thing to him... which was the cross from my mothers funeral used to bless her grave... and threatened to bash my head in. I talked my way out of it, yet I still find myself jumpy because of it.

I wasn't even able to take a full shower or use the restroom without him insisting I hurry up, or get out of the shower whether I was done or not to attend to the children so that he could rest.

This isn't all of it but I dont want to keep rambling on.

After three years of the same things daily, no sleep and no time to myself, I was so convinced that my children, him and the world would be better off without me. I had devised a plan to kill myself. I thought about it everyday and kept revising my plan to what would be most convenient for everyone around me.

I had finally gotten him to agree to go with me to a therapist -- he was convinced the dr would tell me to buck up and deal. That was not that case, I was admitted into a mental hospital that day for fear of not being able to keep myself from committing suicide.

It wasn't until being in the hospital for a month that I had realized I was in an abusive relationship. I had assumed that since I wasn't physically beaten that there was nothing wrong with my situation.

I broke up with him while I was in the hospital and moved in with my father after I got out. He sued me for full custody and served me with papers the day I got out of the hospital.

Until this day, three years after breaking up. He still attempts to control my life, down to following me, sending harassing text messages etc.

Although I know I have come a long way and get better at standing up to him every day I find it hard to fully get out of his "grip" since I have had to continuously deal with him every day since then.

I have the option to file a restraining order regarding harrasing text/email/communication that isn't appropriate, but I haven't been able to bring myself to gather all the texts and emails. I have literally thousands of messages from him and the thought of going through all of them almost debilitates me with anxiety.

Although I have a very good group of friends that have been very loving, none of them have any idea what all of this is like. Although we all dont like him and think this and that of him, not having anyone to relate to these feelings often has me second guessing about "over reacting" or that I shouldn't be so upset by all of it.

I have been looking at possibly going to a support group but I am embarrassed and feel like I didn't have it bad enough and I imagine other women there thinking the same thing.

Not really sure what I expect out of posting this, but it does feel nice to put it to written word and not just kept in my head.

[tinyrabbit]

"I have been looking at possibly going to a support group but I am embarrassed and feel like I didn't have it bad enough and I imagine other women there thinking the same thing."

A LOT of people feel like this, partly because you've been conditioned to tolerate this awful treatment and partly because it's a way of protecting yourself - you had to live in this situation so you found ways to cope with it, e.g. believing it wasn't that bad, as that was how you survived.

You have done so, so well and been so strong. You should be very proud of yourself. I wonder if you would consider confiding in your friends and asking them to help you sort out the texts and emails so you can file the order?

Please keep posting and telling your story, as much as you need.