[Millitoria]

Hi, I am pretty new here and it's my first time posting in this particular forum so please tell me if it's not OK to post things like this here. This post will mention CSA, though I will avoid going into detail. I am really scared writing this that it will upset someone, so please know that's not my intention.

I suffered CSA at the hands of my father growing up. I have clear memories of much of this and less clear memories of other times, also periods of no memory at all. I dissociated heavily at times, so the abuse seemed to have happened to someone else or like it never happened at all. I've had much therapy over the years to help me deal with this and the flashbacks I still get.

Just recently though I have started to remember different things. It is like there is a part of me who has decided now is the time to share their experience, which I have until now refused to look at/think about and there's nothing I can do about it.

What I remember is this: Most of the time the abuse was taking place I would 'go blank' or cry and ask for it to stop. However, now that I remembering that this wasn't always the case. Remembering this is more like being told about it happening to someone else, but also I know it was really happening to me. Not sure if that makes sense.

In these memories I responded to the abuse differently. Instead of fighting it, I went along with it. Doing my best to 'please' my abuser. When thinking about these memories, I can't remember these episodes of abuse starting or finishing. It is like at some point during it I just decided to go along with it. I don't remember enjoying what was being done to me, but I do remember making a lot of effort to do what was asked of me and do it well. I remember thinking that this is how I was supposed to act when someone made advances on me, without seeming to acknowledge or understand that the person doing it to me was my father. I can remember acting like this with boyfriends and men who paid me a lot of attention in my teens and adult life too.

Like at some point, when it became too difficult to deal with that attention something or someone took over. Instead of being upset, even though I wasn't enjoying it it seemed like the best thing I could do - the thing I should be doing - was making sure the other person enjoyed it. I would put on a performance, acting in ways that now I can remember them really disturb me.

Is this something other people can relate to? I know logically that this must have a been a way to cope and that nothing I did invited the abuse, but its really hard to feel like that's the case when it feels like I actively engaged in it at points.

I feel so lost at the moment. I am also facing the possibility that I have a dissociative disorder on top of everything else, and I wonder if this could be part of that. It really does feel that at these times I wasn't really aware of who I was with, just that it seemed clear to me that I was meant to be acting in a particular way so I did, without really understanding the situation at all.,

Sorry if this is confusing or upsetting for anyone. I just don't know where to go to talk about it.

Milli

x

[Confused213]

That's horrible that he did that to you I'm really sorry.

Even if you did actively engage, you were a child. You knew no better, he did. It was not your fault.

Much Love

It's not your fault.

You are not to blame.

Our abusers groom us to take responsibility for their behavior.

I ain't accepting it anymore.

I hope you don't / won't either.

[Millitoria]

Thank you Confused and Pfrog for your kind words.

I do know logically that it wasn't my fault and I was responsible. I thought I had finally made my peace with that but these memories are stirring everything up again and leaving me feel at least partly responsible.

It is so frustrating, because I know I wasn't but that isn't how it feels.

Milli

x

I totally understand that, Milli ...

It's a sad scar that we have to keep tending to over and over and over again.

[roads]

This sounds related to Stockholm Syndrome, when someone kidnapped for a long period becomes dissociated into the kidnapper's perspective. Or even when a woman fakes an orgasm to please a man.

Survival takes many forms.

[Confused213]

I completely understand that feeling. I'm so sorry.

You had the choice taken away from you.

((Hug))

[tinyrabbit]

This was not your fault. Have you ever heard the phrase learned helplessness? If you're in a situation where you have no hope of it ending or changing, you learn to just accept it - as a means of survival. You did what you had to do to get through an awful situation that you should never have had to tolerate.

Sometimes knowing things logically isn't enough, because we second-guess ourselves and don't dare believe what we know. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault. Abuse never is.

[Millitoria]

Thanks for all the kind responses. They really help.

Milli

X

[tinyrabbit]

I'm glad the responses helped

[IronButterfly]

Originally Posted by Millitoria

Hi, I am pretty new here and it's my first time posting in this particular forum so please tell me if it's not OK to post things like this here. This post will mention CSA, though I will avoid going into detail. I am really scared writing this that it will upset someone, so please know that's not my intention.

I suffered CSA at the hands of my father growing up. I have clear memories of much of this and less clear memories of other times, also periods of no memory at all. I dissociated heavily at times, so the abuse seemed to have happened to someone else or like it never happened at all. I've had much therapy over the years to help me deal with this and the flashbacks I still get.

Just recently though I have started to remember different things. It is like there is a part of me who has decided now is the time to share their experience, which I have until now refused to look at/think about and there's nothing I can do about it.

What I remember is this: Most of the time the abuse was taking place I would 'go blank' or cry and ask for it to stop. However, now that I remembering that this wasn't always the case. Remembering this is more like being told about it happening to someone else, but also I know it was really happening to me. Not sure if that makes sense.

In these memories I responded to the abuse differently. Instead of fighting it, I went along with it. Doing my best to 'please' my abuser. When thinking about these memories, I can't remember these episodes of abuse starting or finishing. It is like at some point during it I just decided to go along with it. I don't remember enjoying what was being done to me, but I do remember making a lot of effort to do what was asked of me and do it well. I remember thinking that this is how I was supposed to act when someone made advances on me, without seeming to acknowledge or understand that the person doing it to me was my father. I can remember acting like this with boyfriends and men who paid me a lot of attention in my teens and adult life too.

Like at some point, when it became too difficult to deal with that attention something or someone took over. Instead of being upset, even though I wasn't enjoying it it seemed like the best thing I could do - the thing I should be doing - was making sure the other person enjoyed it. I would put on a performance, acting in ways that now I can remember them really disturb me.

Is this something other people can relate to? I know logically that this must have a been a way to cope and that nothing I did invited the abuse, but its really hard to feel like that's the case when it feels like I actively engaged in it at points.

I feel so lost at the moment. I am also facing the possibility that I have a dissociative disorder on top of everything else, and I wonder if this could be part of that. It really does feel that at these times I wasn't really aware of who I was with, just that it seemed clear to me that I was meant to be acting in a particular way so I did, without really understanding the situation at all.,

Sorry if this is confusing or upsetting for anyone. I just don't know where to go to talk about it.

Milli

x

i'm very sorry this happened to you, i can understand your situation, i was sexually abused as well. it is not your fault. maybe you seek professional help and i really do hope you work it all out.
you can write about it here, this is what we're suppose to do here from all that i have gathered. our body reacts to it, not our minds. we have no control over our body. the things i did by "going along" disturb me too. you are not alone and you can get through this.
stay strong and good luck.