Getting over the past and effects that my past left on me?

This is my first post here, so please be gentle with me .

This is a little tricky for me, because I'll have to talk about my past which was everything but nice, but I need to fix this once and for all....

My first memory i have is my father beating up my mother and my two older brothers. My father was chronical alcoholic full of insecurities which he would "heal" on my mother. She had her nose broken God knows how many times, most of her teeth smashed, many times full of bruices and with black eyes.... That was lasting for years and ended when my oldest brother tried to kill my father and during this he stubbed me in my leg with bayonete knife (35cm long military knife). I was 7,5 years old at that time. I almost lost my leg. I was recovering for more than 6 months, but unfortunetly I had to go again 2nd grade as I was missing whole 2nd semester. Now I am 30 and struggling with the life in some other way, but that's another story.

That was the breaking point for my mother and she divorced my father. By that time, SFRJ broke up, war happened and my father went to war. 4 years later he got killed in an ambush. I was 13 when that happened.

To make long story short, that affected me a lot, by making me very emotional and insecure and putted me to the situation where I am looking at women as someone who is suffering just by being weaker gender and women and that I should not do anything to hurt them, by any action or word. As you can guess, I am not very lucky in my love life and because of this I am probably labelled as weak, beta male and a nice guy, not because I am. Girls don't need and have to know my sad life story and what is making me the way I am, but also made my love life very unfortunate... Everything that he was and he was doing I am doing the opposite. I don't drink, I am not chauvinist and I am treating the women with care.

I would like some suggestions how to improve myself, how to disconnect myself from my past as it's making a havoc in my love life and just when I thought I have found the right person for me where everything was there I got "I cannot give you more than a friendship" line again...

Now, this goes beyond my love life, but this is one of the trickiest part of my life that my past affected me and I want to change this first.

Thank you in advance for your advices...

P.S. This might not be the best forum to post this question of mine, so you are free to move it to another subforum .

I just read your story.my heart goes out to you. I was raised in alcoholic family also but after my mom passed.I was ten....I feel in the same boat as you. Actually have no live life anymore being Too Nice. People on this site care and understand don't give up, I'm going to ne working with my counselor again about certain issues I thought didn't even exist from past. Just hang in there ok I've had a lot of support here and they encouraged me not to give up...

(((Radojica)))

I am sorry that you had to endure such suffering in life.

Very gentle hugs to you!

"You don't drink, you're not a chauvinist" and you treat women with care." My gosh, why should YOU have trouble??? YOU sound like a GEM!!!

There certainly aren't alot of "nice" guys out there anymore. Alot of them are loud, drunken, mean-mouthed jerks!! YOU, on the other hand are a blessing! I can't imagine YOU having trouble with your love life! I guess perhaps the right women just haven't come along.

And I have to admit that it seems the only place to meet anyone anymore is in bars and clubs. That seems to be the only place that people gather. Even if you don't drink, you could go to those places and order a soft drink. At least you could meet some new people. You don't have to make excuses for NOT drinking -- that's your choice!

I am really sorry for how you were brought up. I was brought up much the same way, and it caused me a lot of hurt and mental problems. I ended up in therapy for a long time, and I have major depressive disorder (clinical depression). You may want to consider therapy if you feel this is a major problem in your life. Therapy DID make a huge difference in mine. I wish you the very best, my friend. Please take care, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Well, the truth is that I had depression 5 years ago which was treated for 6 months and everything was ok after that. I was diagnosed with reactive depression and anxiety as my way to fight all the bad things in my life. Now many other things come into my way (I am forbidden to work what I have been studying for because my father had criminal record and my degree Civil protection which is connected with security of the state and therefore I am working in Siberia every 6 months in terrible, humilliating working conditions not worth of a human being, for instance). I am starting again to be socially active (as being an activist in one NGO which are working with the kids impeded in development). I am fighting my problems with the smile on my face but the most important part of my life is not good because of things I mentioned in the first post and I am thinking of giving up on that. It's like you said Leed, but nobody wants to wait enough to get to know you, everyone are looking just for fullfilling their needs without thinking what is behind the curtain. I have a beer every now and then and I go out every now and then and meet new people, but I know what I want and what I need and there are not many women out there which are falling into that category, but what troubles me is the fact that even when I find that in some woman I get the line from above...

Have you considered therapy? Hugs

First of all sorry to hear about your abusive father. Second and most important of all you are not your father. In order for you to achieve what you want in your life which is more on having a love life is you need to be certain to yourself. Are u really a Beta or you are just playing to be a Beta so people will like you? There's nothing wrong of being beta but people will just look at u differently. Most women prefer men with an attitude of AlphaBeta mix. Don't be afraid of being alpha because you will never fall in a category just like your father.
I'm not saying to have a bad attitude for you to have women in your life i just want you to learn to balance the Yes and No dear to No to Yes dear.

I wish you all the luck in life hope someday you'll be in a good women hands.

By this time no, i have not, nor i am not sure how that work .


Hm, lets see if i understood you well (English is not. my native language). Am i subconcesiouly being beta like in order not to hurt women in any way because i am afraid i am going to hurt women like my father was hurting my mom and all of us by being more assertive?Am i sabotaging my love life out of fear? I avoided something which i wont find anytime soon because i am leaving to Russia for 6 months period atleast and wont be home because we would get close and would suffer? Like i would rather disappoint than hurt her?? Thank you for your kind words .

My family, my mom, my brothers and me were for years living in terror and were, emotionally, physically and psychically abused by my alcoholic psycopatic father . I finally named things with its true name... You, people, are not realizing how much you helped me to realize some things. Now it is everything where it should be like in one big mozaic where the last situation with that girl was actually a trigger for me and I am finally able to look at everything from a different point of view.

Holy Christ I was a prisoner of my fears and was sabotaging myself on my way to happiness in order to avoid situations where I could act like my father, like with love life and family life...

You people, with your time and your support helped me to realize what actually happened to me and my family and how all of that affected us... NOw it's a long process in front of me, but at least I am free from my illusions...

One more thing, should this girl who was actually a trigger, who is still very dear to me and with whom i am still in contact and for whom i knew its going to have major role and impact in and on my life from the very beginning should know this? SHould I tell her?Her appearing in my life, her personality and the energy i felt from the very first hello when I started to realize that something is going on independently from her, in this very specific moment made me to look at things differently, she basically saved me just by coming to my life... . It's feeling which is very weird and hard for me to explain...

Thank you all A LOT!!!!!

Hang in there man. I was also ab used. Your r not alone my friend.

There's a saying that goes like this...."That which does not kill us only makes us stronger!"

Stay with it...hang in there no matter what...,ok?