[Freewilled]

I have a question: if my father chose to stay with my mom when my mom was emotionally abusive, does that make him equally abusive?

I ask because I am very confused. I have studied a lot on why people tend to have a hard time leaving abusive spouses and how the cycle works. I've done a lot of research. But it all comes down to this: Does she just not care about her kids? And if so, how do you relay that information to her in a way she can really hear it? Do you have be blunt and tell her she's staying in a relationship where her kids are also being hurt by witnessing abuse so she is responsible as well?

I'm so confused on this and it's causing me a lot of pain/grief. I think a part of me feels hurt to think maybe my parents BOTH didn't really care at.all about me. Any perspectives?

[ShaggyChic_1201]

IMO (and it's only an opinion), your dad was a bad parent in that he didn't rescue you, and you have every right to be angry at him. It's easy to conclude he didn't care about you, but it may not be true. He may have had his own dysfunction at home that went untreated, and thus was more susceptible to your mother's abuse. I'm not excusing what he did, but there may be an explanation for why he didn't leave, take you away, make her stop, call the authorities, etc. That doesn't negate how you feel of course.

Are you in therapy? If not, would you consider it?

Are there other kids in the house that she is still abusing? Because that would change my answer on whether or not to confront her. Normally I'd say to wait til you were strong enough to deal with whatever her response would be. She might be repentent, but more likely she will deny, minimize and blame you. But if others are being harmed, that may accelerate the schedule.

Keep posting. We are here to support you and help you make these difficult decisions.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

IMO (and it's only an opinion), your dad was a bad parent in that he didn't rescue you, and you have every right to be angry at him. It's easy to conclude he didn't care about you, but it may not be true. He may have had his own dysfunction at home that went untreated, and thus was more susceptible to your mother's abuse. I'm not excusing what he did, but there may be an explanation for why he didn't leave, take you away, make her stop, call the authorities, etc. That doesn't negate how you feel of course.

Are you in therapy? If not, would you consider it?

Are there other kids in the house that she is still abusing? Because that would change my answer on whether or not to confront her. Normally I'd say to wait til you were strong enough to deal with whatever her response would be. She might be repentent, but more likely she will deny, minimize and blame you. But if others are being harmed, that may accelerate the schedule.

Keep posting. We are here to support you and help you make these difficult decisions.

Thanks for your response. No - there are no kids in the house but I don't think she would do it again at this time. I think she had mental health issues that contributed to what happened at that particular time in her life. She had horrible things happen to her growing up - much worse than myself. I also don't think my dad could've called the police because it isn't against the law to rant and rave about how your daughter hates you, never loved you, is a selfish brat etc etc That's not that big of a deal to most. Some might even agree with her as I was a teenager so I'm sure I wasn't perfect.

I am in therapy but not sure how much it's helping right now

[nicoleflynn]

The book that saved my life (after 31 years of abusive marriage): The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...I believe it should be required reading for everyone on the planet.