[re-tracing]

Hi.
So a while ago, about eight or nine months ago, I suddenly got a few flashbacks. I couldn't define the trigger, but I'd never had them before. They were seriously distressing and they still won't leave me. Slowly I remember more details.
When I was around ten or eleven (possibly older, I honestly can't remember my exact age), my brother molested me. I think it happened at least twice, though it could have been on the same night. He was between thirteen and fifteen, and was quite gentle, like he was coaxing me into it. I had no clue what I was doing, but I looked up to him so much and would do anything to please him. He felt up my breast and asked me if I was okay with boys doing this. I responded yes, as long as his hands weren't cold, but I knew I would not. He then tried to touch my vagina, but I asked him to stop before it got too far because it felt very, very wrong. He did stop. I also remember him asking me to touch his penis. I remember being repulsed but that is basically all I recall.
I've never been able to blame my brother, since I often question if he meant it, if he knew what he was doing, and why? He is three and a bit years older than me, but was always a very dominant sibling, I followed him without question. He was pretty mean to me while growing up. I don't know if this is abuse cause I never properly said no, and it wasn't rape or anything that bad? He was also underage so I can't guarantee he knew what he was doing (though he surely must have at that age?).
At the same time, it won't leave me alone. He still lives with us. I often wonder if he remembers it, if he ever feels guilty. He has a good heart, honestly, but he does plenty of bad things. Yet he seems very against sexual assault? I'm very confused. Please help. Thanks.

[Kate King]

Re-Tracing, I am sorry you have gone through that. The brain naturally blocks out memories that we can't handle at a given time, and "releases" information as we mature. You may never have a full running "movie" of what happened, but that does not mean that it didn't. It is easy for you to waver between denial and recognition and that's ok. Don't feel guilty about blaming or not blaming your brother. Often times, especially when the abuse happens at a young age, we develop "trauma bonds" with our abusers. This is natural. You may never get to a point of blaming him, and I (personally) don't think that it is absolutely necessary, but you will have to work through the abuse to see how it has impacted your life (consciously and unconsciously). Are you seeing a therapist?

Also, in terms of your brother, at such a young age, I don't think he put what he was doing and "abuse" together. I could be wrong, but I don't think he probably thought, "I am going to sexually abuse my sister now." He may have been starting to go through puberty and having no idea what to do with all of the thoughts and sensations. Don't get me wrong, this in NO WAY justifies what he did. I say all that because 1. he may not even remember it, 2. if he does, he may not ever admit to it/apologize/etc. Also, if he is "very against sexual assault" to use your words, there may be, somewhere subconsciously, a part of him that feels guilty.

I have no idea if that makes sense or if that is helpful at all. :/ Keep posting, you are very brave. I would also encourage therapy if you are not already going. It may sounds scary, but it is an excellent way to work through something like this with someone that "knows the ropes." Best of luck, keep us posted. (hugs)