[Confused213]

This whole thing I've been trying to figure out, it's killing me.
I'm beginning to hate life.
I'm not suicidal, I just have the ideation part right now.

The pain doesn't stop. It keeps going down and down. I feel completely broken.
Normally, when I get depressed, the pain stops at a certain point. Not now.

I try to escape my life's troubles. Everything comes back to this fulcrum: the idea that maybe I was molested and perhaps everything wasn't so cherry with my childhood that I can't seem to remember.

In my sleep, I can't even escape the pain. I'm plagues by nightmares multiple times a week. I can hardly sleep.
I have dreams of being raped and molested.
I have dreams of cutting myself.

Not to mention everything frightening under the sun:
Demons, predatorial animals, disfigurement, cancer, death embodied, twisted innocence, et cetera.

I want to escape life right now, but the cycle never stops.
It's like a horrible train ride that never ends.

I see no light at the end of this tunnel.
My heart is full of pain and poison.
I'm acting bitter, too.
I'm hating my uncle.
It's making me feel worse.

What can I do?

[Open Eyes]

What can you do?

Change your mind about looking constantly into your past and decide you are going to "love yourself" and live in the present where you belong.

It is very important that you don't "create" memories or "convince your mind that life is no longer worth living".

You really need to find some "positive" things for your brain to focus on and practice "self care and self love" and allow for "healing" to take place in your mind.

(((Caring Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[kindachaotic]

Am so sorry this is causing you such agony, I can't imagine.
Just an unprofessional guess but I don't think the average person experiences these issues. Horrible feelings & dreams giving you reason to hate life.

What can you do? If you don't have one already, find a reputable counselor/therapist to help you work thru why this is happening.

Go with your gut. You mention an uncle, are there any of your family members that could shed any light on his actions during your childhood?

You are in my thoughts. Keep posting as you feel comfortable.

[nicoleflynn]

Consider therapy. Hugs

[anneo59]

good advice here on this thread, Confused. Glad you posted, and hope you feel better soon. By all means, try to seek out what help you can get. And like Open Eyes spoke of, you've got to try to manage your illness. It's work, and sometimes you can barely manage baby steps. But it's worth it. Take care!

[Confused213]

Thanks, everyone!

I'm actually much better than yesterday.
I went to church for the first time in a while and came back rejuvenated. I had lost sight of hope, but I'm regaining that.
I realize that I should tread lightly here.
I'm still confused, but less depressed than I was before.

Thanks again.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. (((Hugs))) to you