[tinyrabbit]

This question has been in my head for a while now: did my dad sexually abuse me? I have many reasons to suspect it, but I don't remember. It's driving me crazy (I think I've posted about it before as it's been bothering me for months). I know nobody can tell me what did or didn't happen but I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences, namely:

Has anyone had the experience of suspecting that a specific person abused them, but no actual memories of it?

Did any memories come back? Did you find your suspicions were correct? I know it wouldn't necessarily be the same for me, I'd just really find it helpful to hear about others' experiences if you're willing to share?

There are so many signs and symptoms. I've remembered some other CSA but don't feel it's the full story. I feel like it happened because something else already happened. I find myself writing lists of all the reasons why I suspect it and why he would have been able to do it and get away with it.

Part of me thinks I am a sick freak for looking for this when I have no concrete reason to believe it, just a feeling and a bunch of things I have decided are suspicious. But part of me wonders why it seems like such a nagging question. I feel like I would be devastated but also relieved if I actually remembered something. I want to believe my dad wouldn't do that, but I don't believe that, I hope he wouldn't but I don't know. Can anyone relate?

[sweepy62]

Hi tiny yes I posted that here and lately I been getting bits and pieces through nightmares but its all pre verbal there are no facts just flashbacks distorted memories of something back

[Solepa]

Hello Tinyrabbit,

as you know I have the memories but not way of knowing what they represent and who is in them apart from me.
I was thinking a bit more about this and I find it strange that these memories have such an impact on me today. So even I´m not sure what they mean and what they exactly are I know they are important somehow. I seem to be able to manage better the memories I know are of real events and not get bothered by them so much as with these...isn´t it interesting? Maybe it is just the not knowing which is bothering but it feels there is more to it. It is like the deep inside is trying to tell me something but I do not know what it is exactly.
As a child I was quite creative and was big on drawing and stuff. When my emotions started to fade away this went with it. I didn´t have any imagination or inspiration and so I just stoped drawing or doing any craft work. Now years later when I started with T I felt the urge to draw again. One day it just came to me and I felt like drawing two specific things one was this memory of mine it was so strong that is was the first thing I draw after more then 15 years.
So I´m convinced I have to listen to it I have to give it some thoughts and let it unfold no matter the consequence. It is possible it would be something completely different then how it seems now maybe I would never really know but I´m not going to push it away or dismiss it. I´m going to just patiently wait and see how it goes with the help of my T and I´m going to try and not judge in this state of chaos.
The not knowing is hard but I suppose everything has its right time and maybe now it is not it.

Hugs to you on your own discovery

[Confused213]

Hi, tiny.
Yes, I definitely can relate.
I have some memories, but none of being molested or orally copulated. However, I have some slight reason to believe that something along those lines did happen, whether it was voyeurism or actually happening to me, as I had nightmares of molestation/oral copulation when I didn't know about sex (3-7 years old)
I know who it would have been, but I have no explicit memories. Just of us spooning and I've had a few flashes,

TRIGGER WARNING

Of us dry humping. He had his leg up against my crotch and I was rocking back and forth. I think he was humping on me.

END OF TRIGGER

But at the time of this memory, I was pushing so hard to uncover things, so I have no idea if it is real or falsified.
That's where I'm at.

I've read warnings about symptomatic diagnoses of abuse because there are other things that can cause the same symptoms as CSA.

But, if you have the memories, you should trust yourself.
I don't know if uncovering exact details will help you recover, but if it will, you have every reason to pursue that knowledge.

I can relate 100%. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't know what else can cause all the symptoms, but I know symptoms don't necessarily mean something is there and you can't approach it like that.

I need to uncover details because I need to know if it happened and if it was that person.

Thanks for your replies xx

[Bloem]

Signs and symptoms may have a reason and sometimes not...and if you have no memories you can sometimes think in the wrong direction. I had suspicions in a certain direction .... and it turned out to be quite different.

My experience is that you should not look for evidence. if something has occurred in the past and you are limited in daily life by those things. Then it is best to focus on those problems in the here and now and to work on it to solve them. When you're not looking you'll find more about your past, because it is there and it has not disappeared, it needed only time to come up.

take your time, it will be clear when you're ready.

Bloem

[ThisWayOut]

I went through some similar stuff, and some other people come to mind in terms of the CSA, but I have no concrete evidence, and the "memories" are only recently surfacing. I wonder if it's my mind's way of trying to make sense of certain things (and placing certain people in the position of CSA abuser also), or if it actually happened. I know there is stuff from very early on that I do not remember, and now is being denied (though years ago I was told it happened)...

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Bloem

I had suspicions in a certain direction .... and it turned out to be quite different.

Can I ask if it was a different person to who you suspected?

I think the urgency has passed for now. I guess I've dissociated from all the feelings around this.

[Bloem]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Can I ask if it was a different person to who you suspected?

I think the urgency has passed for now. I guess I've dissociated from all the feelings around this.

Yes, it was a different person than I suspect. This person had me physically and mentally abused, but not SA when I was a child. There was indeed a form of abuse that he did to me, and that I could clearly remember. So when I had vague memories of CSA or not even vaguely. I often could not see any faces, So I started 'looking for faces'......and so I looked in the direction of the person who abused me in a different way.

When I was not focused on who did what, but on the consequences in the here and now, things became clearer to me.

What I can tell you is, take your time, work on the here and now and on that part of your past that you know. The rest will come!


Bloem

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for sharing that Bloem. I'm sorry you had those experiences and appreciate you replying.

I can certainly see the danger of "looking for faces". I don't think that's what I'm doing - it's more a case of noticing things about my dad, how he behaved, how I felt around him and wondering if that's the whole story. So it starts with the who, not the what. There were things that were very inappropriate but I don't know if there was CSA from him. But then I do also feel like there was more CSA than I remember, so it is partly the what - but I haven't looked around for someone it might have been, this is the only person I've ever thought it might have been.

I always felt uncomfortable around him, hated him touching me. He was domineering, controlling, didn't even like me expressing a thought he didn't like. Invaded my privacy, went through my rubbish, came into the bathroom when I didn't want him there, whistled me to come like a dog, made me sit on his knee when I didn't want to. I felt sick when he walked around in his pants or with his flies undone and some people say that's normal, it's normal to see your parents half-dressed but it made me feel sick. My mum used to go away for work sometimes and leave me with him and I have completely blanked out those times except once when I ran to a neighbour's house in my pajamas, I can't remember why, she said "the things people do to make children cry" but then she called my dad to come get me even though she thought he just made me cry.

And for as long as I can remember I have had unwanted images in my head, fantasies but not ones I choose to have. I don't know how they got there.

I'm sorry, I just started writing and all that came tumbling out.

[Bloem]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Thanks for sharing that Bloem. I'm sorry you had those experiences and appreciate you replying.

I can certainly see the danger of "looking for faces". I don't think that's what I'm doing - it's more a case of noticing things about my dad, how he behaved, how I felt around him and wondering if that's the whole story. So it starts with the who, not the what. There were things that were very inappropriate but I don't know if there was CSA from him. But then I do also feel like there was more CSA than I remember, so it is partly the what - but I haven't looked around for someone it might have been, this is the only person I've ever thought it might have been.

I always felt uncomfortable around him, hated him touching me. He was domineering, controlling, didn't even like me expressing a thought he didn't like. Invaded my privacy, went through my rubbish, came into the bathroom when I didn't want him there, whistled me to come like a dog, made me sit on his knee when I didn't want to. I felt sick when he walked around in his pants or with his flies undone and some people say that's normal, it's normal to see your parents half-dressed but it made me feel sick. My mum used to go away for work sometimes and leave me with him and I have completely blanked out those times except once when I ran to a neighbour's house in my pajamas, I can't remember why, she said "the things people do to make children cry" but then she called my dad to come get me even though she thought he just made me cry.

And for as long as I can remember I have had unwanted images in my head, fantasies but not ones I choose to have. I don't know how they got there.

I'm sorry, I just started writing and all that came tumbling out.

I recognize those feelings, uncomfortable if that person was in around me. I could not even breathe in his presence and his touch was unbearable. He was very domineering and controlling and he said and did things you do not say or do to a child. (sexualized things) He definitely crossed a line it was all very inappropriate. Some people will see this as Sexual Harassment and that it was probably. He would not let me do things but he exposed me to 'adult talk'. He indirectly contributed to the CSA abuse because I had nowhere to go (that was what I thought) He spoke to me like that so what happend seemed to be 'normal' or what I deserved.

I've always had unwanted images in my head, I did not choose them, they were there. And I still have images that I do not want.
I have memories of situations and I recognize the situations up to a certain point. What I know now is that I dissociated, i have DID. I could not see faces but another part of me could. That's how I know that my suspicion were wrong.
What I've learned from this is that the one who treated me the worst in my experience because he was so close, it was never nice. And the other person was nice to a certain extent, that i dissociated from the not nice things he did. It is always easier to connect the nasty things to someone who was not nice than to someone who was nice.

suspicions are usually correct but may also have a different meaning. If you work in the here and now(working on your past) they are gaining more importance, and you will find answers.

Bloem