How To Begin Healing...

I apologize in advance for this probably long post…feel free not to read it…I just need to get my thoughts together and hopefully get some assistance. First time posting in this area…a bit afraid… and please don’t say print out this post – because I won’t.

So, I’ve decided that I’m willing to talk to T. We’ve just passed the one month mark and I have to say that last session (my shut down session) did a lot in the way of making me trust her.


Anyways, I know one of the main topics (being that it was the bulk of my life) would be the way I was raised. First session, t summed it up as “verbally abusive” but I told her I preferred not to say that. A session or two later, she called the motives of my family towards me “manipulative” and told me that it’s okay to be selfish. I told her we were kind of just going in circles, and we changed the subject.

Here’s the problem. It’s true. Everything she said. Younger, angry Teal would have jumped at the opportunity to expose them for all they were worth. But older, wiser Teal feels like I should be less judgmental and more appreciative. I know that many of the things done to me were with good intent or as a result of the frustration of stress from outside sources being misdirected to me.

Most of myself wants to look past it all, to understand that although things were horrible – they’re not anymore. The people have not changed, but my response to their degrading has which has in turn caused situations not to affect me as deeply… I wouldn’t want anyone to hold on to all my bad decisions, so why would I do that towards someone else? And besides…look how I turned out. On the inside, yes, so much…ugh. But on the outside, and to others, I really do have a lot going for me. So maybe it all was for the best?

Then, there is the little tiny voice in the back of my head that tells me maybe I’m being the weak person that I was always told I was. And maybe that weak part of me is ignoring the truth and truly being manipulated into defending the very people who were supposed to protect me. That voice tells me that as the child, I should not have had to be the one to change…

I’ve worked really hard to try to be the kindest person I can be. To fight my internal demons and overcome. But, I see my desire to spin completely out of control beginning to surface, and I know that now’s the time. I need help. In some way. For some thing. Some incomplete part of me. But how do I decide which part of me is right in this situation? The “defensive” side or the “demonic” side…

How do I go about telling T my story without picking sides? Or will I have to?

Sorting through your childhood doesn't necessarily have to be about blame and picking sides. It can be about learning about the ways you were treated, the situations you were exposed to and the patterns you developed. Since being a kind, good person is so important to you, I recommend looking at it as another opportunity to grow and become even better.

All of our behavior patters stem from our childhoods, the ways we react, cope and treat others. It's important to learn about it, especially for those of us who were mistreated, so we can truly know ourselves, understand our feelings and reactions, and learn how to improve our coping mechanisms as we move forward through life.

All of this may bring up some blame for our parents along the way, but in the end it can also bring understanding, forgiveness and acceptance. We are all products of our environment and most people who abuse were abused themselves. By learning about their histories and understanding their humanity, it makes it easier to make peace with their shortcomings and any wrongs they may have committed. It's important not to shut down and walk away when the anger or whatever other negative feelings arise, but to feel them, go through them, and get to the other side. Because that's where you'll find the peace.

I feel like this is going to be quite a hectic journey, but I'm so ready to move on to a better place in my life! I know i'll have to work on not shutting down when I get those negative feelings, but I was basically taught that no one cares about you but your family...and well the "care" I got doesn't give me much hope in the possibility of "care" from the rest of the world. I think i'll take your advice and try to address it from a "factual" manner instead of taking sides...
Thanks SmilingInside.

You sound exactly like me last month.
I spent 12 years in and out of therapy never knowing how I could get past it all, no matter how many tricks I had up my sleeve I still had this nagging dark cloud hanging over me.
In sessions my t's were always talking about my mom and soon they learned it wasn't a topic I would discuss. I hated her as a teen but when I grew up I felt so guilty for thinking anything negative about her that I refused to listen to what my ts were saying. She didn't protect me, she was manipulative, she was a drug addict... She is a drug addict.
She raised me though, always said she loved me, how could you think negatively about someone like that?
It wasn't until my husband sat me down and pointed it out, he knows me and my mom lived with us for a year so he knows her. He pointed out just how bad she was for my health, that every time we went to house he saw the spark in me go out and stay out for weeks and it was effecting my marriage.
He knew my mom, there were no more excuses. She was manipulative, she still is. She was and still is a drug addict and she didn't protect me even when she knew she should. She sent me back to dad even when she knew what he was doing, she set me up. I can confidently say this because she has munchausen on top of borderline personality.
I felt nauseated, I had panic attacks for two days. I didn't want to accept it but it was right there in my face. Then I decided to do something about it.
The moment I decided to acknowledge mom for who she really is, is the moment my life started to change. I was agorophobic, now I'm working quickly through my fears, I was always reminded and thinking of my past, now it's the furthest thing from my mind, apart from mom.
I have changed so much internally it's starting to show a lot on the outside. I see my healing and I see it soon, even t thinks I won't need therapy anymore by New Years, so long as I continue moving forward.
Point I'm getting at, you have to accept people for who they are, no more excuses. You have to stop ignoring it and face it. You may have to set boundaries but acknowledging them for who they are is a huge wonderful step

Wow, this was really inspirational PFM! You sound as if things really have changed for you and thankfully, for the better. I don't even know you and i'm super happy for you lol. Hopefully I can get to that point to. I really am going to try to dig in there, to tap those hurts so I can overcome. Its nice to know that someone can relate and share a positive end to the situation. Thanks again!

What if you saw them as different parts of you, rather than sides? So there's the younger, angrier part that wants to rant about what happened, the older part that feels more appreciative and understanding and less able to complain, the part that wants to forgive, the part that doesn't want to forgive, the part that feels weak, the part that feels defensive. Maybe you don't have to pick sides, but simply sort through these voices and work out which are yours, which are your parents, which are right and which are wrong?

You say you wouldn't want someone to hold onto all your bad decisions. But that's not what you're doing here. You're working through it yourself, in your therapy, and finding a way to feel better about it all and have a better existence with it.

TinyRabbit, I like the way you put that...especially the end. It would take work, but I think I could try that. I brought up how I feel about the subject today in t, and she said something to the degree of how on that topic, she was there to be on my side and validate my feelings on the situation. Not to necessarily feel any way towards the people who hurt me, even though it was likely not their intention. She wants me to feel free to reflect without being dismissive of my feelings. That was all we covered on that topic for now, but I already feel a bit of relief simply from letting her know where I stand on the situation. (((Tiny Rabbit)))

Glad if anything I said helped. My T says we are made up of lots of different parts, or voices, however you want to put it. So you have, say, your parents' voices inside you, as well as your own, and it can all get muddled up in one.

Which is why I find I talk a bit, freak out a bit, backtrack a bit, talk a bit, freak out a bit, etc etc.