[LylaW]

This morning, holding my newborn baby, I look at the mirror and I stare at unfamiliar face.

I feel like it is not my face that I've recognized for a long time. Like it is someone else's face. I feel very uneasy, but I don't want to be so anxious about this so I tried not to be bothered by it and get away from the mirror trying to accept it as my face.

But honestly, what's wrong with my mind? I feel so sure that's not how my face look like, that face in the mirror it doesn't belong to me. It is a little bit like me, but that's not how I recognized it for 25 year of my life.

I've read about depersonalization and dissociation after stressful event, and I don't think I've quite fit with the depersonalization disorder. I don't have any experiments being out of my body, watching myself doing things, or having any feelings that parts of my body doesn't belong to me. Everytime I'm under stressful event I always highly aware, I can't focus on something else except what happening to me. If I have any pain, I'm the one in pain. If I'm under abuse, I know exactly I'm under abuse and sometimes my mind got very stressed out for wanting to it finished fast, and wanting to die in the process. Rather than having out of body experience, I feel like I'm stuck in it. Trapped in my own body and I wish I can get out and not feeling anything anymore.

I'm quite fit in some dissociation disorder traits, but not many. Mostly how I'm quite good erasing the traumatic events that happened so I'm not having any relapse and flashbacks. I hate nightmares so I did my best to clear my mind before sleeping. The problems is, after that I can't quite recalled my past memories anymore, especially everything that connect with the trigger of the abuse (the person, the place, the times, the events, conversations) and it is quite concerning regarding now the person who is doing the abuse is coming back to my life and I have nothing I can use against him because everything is only in my own memory. He put me under hypervigilance all the time, and my only weapon is that I'm still in trauma so he need to put some distance. Still it is not enough, because he is sleeping in my living room patiently waiting for me to get out of my bedroom so I can accept him back. And I have no rights wanting him out of my parents house, since they are the one who was inviting him, and he is now the father of my son and still legally my husband. I can't say anything against this conditions because, I'm suck at remembering anything that he did, or said. So they don't believe me that this "holy saint pure of kindness" of man can make someone traumatized.

So, back to the topic. What's happen so I can't recognized my face anymore? Is it because my dissociative tendency? Or because I have been and still living under stressful environment? Or because recently I got into a labor (which is fall under stressful event, but like always I can't remember this as something so stressful)?

I would like if this forum can get me an input please.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LylaW: I'm sorry you are having this disturbing experience. I'm afraid I cannot tell you, with any certainty, what's going on here. From what I've read, & also experienced myself, it seems as though everyone responds differently to anxiety / stress. So my thinking, with regard to this, would be that it is probably just the way your brain is responding to the high levels of stress you are under. However, this is really just a guess on my part. In order to get a real diagnosis, it is going to be necessary for you to consult your doctor or perhaps a mental health professional. I wish you well...

[anais_anais]

Hi, I have experienced this too, it is so disturbing and unsettling... for me, I take it as a sign that I am under extreme stress, stress that I've refused to validate or have swept under the rug for too long. I am not sure what my diagnosis is, my therapists are not big on that, but the terms dissociative, ptsd, somaticized, depersonalization get thrown around a lot. When I am dissociated, my vision is strongly affected. Edges blur, colors become muted, I lose most of my depth perception, things look bigger or smaller. Perhaps this is what you are experiencing too, and it's most noticeable when you don't recognize yourself. It's a sign you've been holding on very hard. Is there a place you can go just for a moment, real or imagined, where you are grounded and safe?