[HealingNSuffering]

So I did more apologies today because I was feeling particularly tough today. I hesitated to do this one because I knew it was going to be the hardest to write without breaking down, it was to my younger brother, I did a lot of cruel things to him during his childhood, I was a teenager and got away with it. Nothing to soften you up like a good old apology right? I started bawling my eyes out half way through the apology letter. I don't want him to feel like I have no remorse for all the hurt I've caused him. I used to not feel much remorse, but ever since a very traumatic injury I've been spending a long time in severe pain, it really changed my brain in ways I never imagined, I have way more empathy now. I guess I'm glad the hospital didn't prescribe me any pain killers for my injury, even though my pain was 10/10 and I felt like I was going to die for like 3 months. I went into shock and had a seizure afterwards twice due to the intensity of the pain I was feeling.

Another reason I apologized is because I have gotten apologies from some of my past abusers, and those were the ones I was able to forgive first. Apologies and forgiveness is an extremely important part of the recovery process. The ones I never received any apologies for, never got any revenge on still haunt my flashbacks. As hard as it is to make amends with those who have done us harm, its best to do it before they pass away, which can happen at anytime. We never know when we will die, and despite all the grief I've had today, I feel liberated after I put the letter in the mailbox. I could still apologize to a certain ex girlfriend of mine, because she was really awesome and totally didn't deserve what I put her through. Just reading our old love letters gives me a sense of peace still to this day because her presence was very comforting.

Re-posting this since it didn't get blown up big in my first thread because that was my first post to this site.