[Confused213]

Sorry, guys, I just feel like writing all of this out. I'm sorry if this is annoying or I sound crazy.

Okay, with all of this crap, I'm really lost.
I'm hurting more than i ever have in my life.
I'm having about three nightmares each week.
I can't even get peace and rest while i'm sleeping.
Instead I get raped in my dreams.

I don't know what happened to me as a girl. And i can't deal with that and be happy. I thought maybe going into therapy my therapist might tell me that i was paranoid and that i wasn't molested but I've actually heard the opposite from her. I felt like dealing with this issue might make it go away in my life but it actually made it more imminent. Everyday, I weigh the possibilities of
a) being molested as a kid and getting sexual gratification from it
b) no, you're just crazy
c) you're actually an attention *****

all of these suck.
I don't know what to do. If i tell anyone, they will think I'm crazy or an attention *****, whatever.

And why does any of this even matter? If anything happened, it was more than 10 years ago.Why make a fuss about it?
It's not currently happening.

And what does coping even look like? How?
i just feel like a *****. That's what my abuser when i was 15 said i was. That's what my dad said i was. It's all true.
"If anything happens to you, no one will believe you because you are acting like a *****."
AMEN.

I don't know how to live my life right now.
I'm just stuck.

sorry. thanks for reading. i know, i sound stupid. but thanks

[A Red Panda]

You do not sound stupid. You sound hurt and confused.

Your therapist will help you learn to cope. When you have learned how, and have processed what you went to.... you'll hopefully stop feeling like you are crazy, and you won't think that you're a *****.

You weren't a *****. Your father should have never called you that. You aren't an attention ***** for wanting help.

It's probably more imminent because you're actually thinking about things now, instead of just ignoring them. I've been thinking a lot more about my family than I typically do too, since I started.

Again: writing your post was not annoying, you aren't crazy, you're not being an attention *****, you're not stupid, and you're not a *****. Have you told your T that you feel like all of those?

[nicoleflynn]

Those were lies that were told to you and as an adult you need to work through that ugliness to realize none of it is true. It matters because it happened to yu and affects your whole life. It happened to me 40 years ago. I hope you get into counseling. Nothing you say will shock or disgust a therapist. Sadly this is so prevalent. You aren't crazy or stupid or any of those other ugly words. You are a person who is suffering and needs help.

None of those ugly words are true about you. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

[Confused213]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Again: writing your post was not annoying, you aren't crazy, you're not being an attention *****, you're not stupid, and you're not a *****. Have you told your T that you feel like all of those?

In less fiery words, yes i told her i feel like that sometimes

Thanks, both of you, for the kind words