[Stanley_19802]

Hello Everyone,

This is one of the places I can speak openly. I used to vent about things on facebook but my mom friended me and now when I post about my feelings it causes fights.

See, my mom was responcible for much abuse in my past. I'm sorry, I feel like crying right now. OK.... I am frustraited with all this. My mom when I was a child used to use psychiatric hospitals as a punishment for me. She would lie and say I was suicidal so they would take me. I was severely abused in the hospitals growing up, including a serious spinal injury when I was 16. The hospital stays started when I was a month shy of age 10. They stopped at age 12 when my parents divorced. Then it was physical abuse by my dad who had custoday or abuse by staff at school. But at age 16 my mom got custody of me again and the hospital stays started up again.

So these days I have severe PTSD. It was caused by the abuse in the psychiatric hospitals and has been made worse by stays as a adult. Most recently in August. I had overdosed and my mom called a ambulance (I rent a room from her). The ambulance that arrived was the very same that used to come for me when my mom had me admitted as a child. Anyway, it was like being 16 all over again. Strapped down and put in the ER and taken to the hospital. I FREAKED.

Anyway, to the current issue, my mom is pissed off that I have problems almost daily. Most often it's at night like right now. My night time issues are directly tied to a event that happened in 1996. I was 16 and was on the phone with my mom asking what I did this time to be admitted. At the end of the phone call I hung up the pay phone a little too hard.

This male staff member Craig Tagner. I will never forget him. Anyway he told me that I was upset and needed to go to the solitary room and cool off. I didn't feel I needed to be in solitary. I just wanted to lay on me bed and have a good cry. So I walked back to my room and laid down. 2 minutes later Craig and another staff member came into my room and took me to solitary, injected me with seditives and locked the room door.

It was shortly before sun down. The sedative wasn't working which was fine for me. But I was getting afraid because the room was getting so dark. I asked them to turn on the room light and they refused. Soon the only light coming into the room was from the metal mesh covered window at the back of the room. The full moon light was shining down between the hospital and the building next door, bouncing off the white painted building next door and shined about a foot into the solitary room. So I sat down in that corner of the room in the light.

But the other issue was it was so cold. Maybe low 60's thanks to the AC. I was so cold. I tried to get the sheet off the restraint bed but the leather restraints were locked so tight in place I couldn't pull the sheet off the bed. So to keep warm I sat back in the corner in the moon lit corner, pulled my knees up to my chest, pulled my t-shirt over my legs (I only had a shirt, a pair of shorts and socks on) and pulled my arms in.

I sat just like that till 8am the following morning. A little over 14 hours. Ever since that night I have been terrified of the dark. And since that night every night the sun goes down the images of me in that room start to play, including the emotions of my stomach in knots all over again as I felt that night.

So since sun down tonight I have been having memories of that night replying in my head like they do every night. The memories make me feel suicidal, wanting them to stop. Anyway, since August 23rd when my mom called that ambulance for the overdose the memories of when I was 16 have been on overload.

My mom says she's burned out trying to help me and is tired of my drama. Drama as far as the overdoses, ER visits and such. Even to the point of saying if I can't get it under control she is going to ask me to move. I don't know what to do. I can't afford a place on my own. I'm on disability and only get 870.00 a month. The cheapest place is 500.00. Not counting electric and all that. She said "I'm tired of dealing with you and your crap!". That hurt. I can't help it. I don't want to feel this way. And now I might lose my home because of it.

I guess I just wanted to vent. I am just so frustraited. I don't know what to do to fix the situation. I tried meds and they made the bipolar go on cycling overload. I would go from being fine to severely depressed to fine and back and forth a good 2-4 times in just one day. I am sorry I stress her out, but damn it I can't help it. I'm doing the best I can. Had she not used the damn hospitals as a punishment maybe I wouldn't have this problem.

She makes me feel like it's my fault like I just am not trying hard enough. She doesn't know how hard it is to feel like you want to die every single day but can't because it would hurt people if I left like that. So in a way I am only living for them. Not for me. It doesn't feel fair.

-Stanley

[nicoleflynn]

Is it possible to get into counseling?

[blueredgrey]

I am so sorry you've lost your childhood because of your mother and a that criminal psychiatric facility. I am sorry about whatever you are going through now....it's sounds really hard.

I can't believe that in US places exist where you can abused!! What that mental health facility is doing sounds like criminal and illegal.

Your mother's behaviour is sure like rubbing salt on wounds. Clearly she has issues of her own to deal with....I am sorry....she has not been a good, protective mother. But I hope you can forgive her....perhaps she faced abuse from her parents.

I just wanna say......can you afford a therapist?? We are people with our own mind monsters a deal with. A therapist can really help you gain control of your life. You have a lot to deal with - PTSD, overdosing, symptoms related to child neglect.

Perhaps, if you are good at graphics, or coding, you can learn all that for free over the net, maybe you can make a few extra bucks?

What are you currently doing? Studying? working? What are the activities you can do (sorry if I am misunderstanding....you said you are on disability. I don't know what that means in your country).

Pls, pls, do anything to try consulting a therapist. Even if it is one session in a month, it can prove immensely beneficial. You can try online counselling or outsourced counselling...they are cheaper....but just as good.

Good luck!!