[Angelique9]

I have this sort of question, or more like a thought, thats been bugging me for quite some time now..

I was molested as a child. My moms best friends son was my babysitter, and he went down on me, told me it should feel good, and told me that he had done it plenty of times with his friends, and that whole "I'm totally not a pedophile, I promise"-stuff that they say. I remember closing my eyes and wanting and waiting for it to be over, like any child would. What bothers me it that I cant remember anything after he went down on me. I can't remember going to my room, getting dressed, where I slept, if something more happened, etc.

I do remember having this full-on breakdown a few years later where I was about ten or so (the incident happened around age 4, I'm guessing?) where I was severely depressed, constantly freaked out, and would cry myself to sleep every night, and when confronted with it I would say it was because I masturbated. Kids, right? My father would theorize that it was because I had learned somewhere, possibly by myself, that sexual things were shameful, and that I should feel ashamed and freaked out if I masturbated. There might be a correlation between this and being "touched" as a kid.

This is all very confusing. I'm sure I've repressed a lot of stuff, and forgotten a lot of stuff from my former years, but that one thing just keeps bugging me.. How much could I have forgotten? Could that "masturbation-crisis" have been about what happened to me as a child? I can't remember if it went on for any period of time, but I remember my mom acting weird about it all, and if I ask her why (now, present time) she says it's because he was alone with me all the time. He was my babysitter from age 0-12. I didn't tell anyone what I remembered until I was about 13.

I have been to therapy.. Several different therapists, but it didn't really seem like they understood what I was getting at. The responses I got were pretty much "Well you seem well-adjusted, I suggest you let this go". Which is frustrating, because I don't know how, and I honestly don't think it's healthy to keep repressing these feelings and memories. I think it's time for me to deal.

To their defense, I wasn't sent to therapy because of the sexual assault, but because of some family-issues I had at the time. I don't think they were trained to deal with those sort of problems. They're not wrong.. They just didn't satisfy my inquiry.

I am 19 years old, and female, living in Norway. You are very right about the "not feeling normal"-bit. That is my #1 fear. I see correlations between my behavior as an "adult" and what happened to me back then. Like sexual promiscuity, difficulties relating to people, and such. Pretty "normal" responses, I guess.

But I still worry about what I might have repressed.. What really happened, if it happened several times - why can't I remember what he did to me, and why is this all bothering me so much? I mean.. I AM well adjusted. I live by myself, have a job, and go to school, but theres just something missing, you know?

I hope this makes any sort of sense to you.. I understand if you won't or can't answer, I'm just all confused and bottled up and stuff.

[blueredgrey]

I am so sorry you were sexually abused at such a young age. I understand how frustrating it is when no one is able to see what you feel.....but to give them benefit of doubt - it's very difficult to understand another person's mind.

It's frustrating when you can't remember what happened to you - something happened to me when I was a kid (no more than 8), because I was sexually acting out with friends, cousins and even toys. I know something happened because of incidents that followed that....I have no memory of the incident.

It's frustrating....it's like a huge wall standing between you and closure.

But try not to obsess over it. You are still very young. You are doing well. Why not write about all that you feel - why you feel something is missing. It may slowly help you understand why and how you can improve it. It takes time to deal with it - but you will.

Pls keep searching for a therapist you think you can work with. I also request you to read this article - talks about why you can't remember traumatic incidents - Why Do Flashbacks Happen? | After Trauma

Good luck!!

[the abyss]

i am sorry that happened, but not remembering i think is a good thing. why would you want to remember something that was a negative experience ! you definitely need to talk this out with someone who is a professional.
we can not control every situation in our life, nor life itself .
take care