[Teddy:)]

Is it a normal response to be scared of allowing my emotions about my childhood surface? I have never let myself get upset over it and at times find it hard to even imagine getting upset. I think my biggest fear is that if I get upset then it is as if it affected me and I am in a way acknowledging the fact that it happened. My understanding is that if I was to accept it than I am telling my abusers that they won or succeeded at messing my life up.

I am also afraid of how I will react too, I have held onto 18 years of emotions regarding this and the thought of that all coming out at once freaks me out.

I was planning on telling my T this at my next session, but I am afraid, I don't know if I am ready to address it, she is really nice and is extremely supportive but I am afraid that she is going to ask me something that will trigger a reaction and everything that I have worked hard to keep hidden will come bursting out.
Sounds stupid when the reason you go to therapy is to release the things that we have been hiding

Do you think I should just be honest with my T and tell her everything or wait until I feel ready?

[mazing]

It is most definitely a normal response. It is a way of keeping yourself safe and trying to protect yourself from the memories and emotions associated with what happened. A lot of people do it. The problem is though, through holding it all in it can also cause a lot of difficulty in other areas for most people - relationships, emotions, depression etc. It's different for everyone but usually can have some negative effects. It may not be directly associated with the abuse but if you trace it back the anxieties and issues often stem from the time of the abuse.

If you can I would be honest with your therapist. Let her know that there is something there but you are still unsure if you are ready to discuss and work through it. Most T's are good at knowing when to push for information and when you should be able to manage the emotions.

If you are worried about triggering too could you write it? That way you can say what you need to say in the way you want to say it and also give her some guidance on what you want her to do with that information. Eg. 'I want you to know this because ______ but I don't think that I am ready to handle the emotions of 18 years coming out at once.' That way it can open a discussion but she knows where to tread lightly.

Also, I just want to say that accepting in no ways tells your abusers they win. In my opinion it does the opposite. Standing up and talking about it, working through it proves that they didn't win. They don't get to dictate your life or your emotions. They don't succeed in making you live with the negative emotions and reactions for the rest of your life. The abuser then doesn't bring you down but has done something, that while never should happen and is a horrible thing, is also something that can make you stronger and a better more compassionate person.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Teddy,

I know that past, even if you've already lived it, seems very scary as to what it may unlock.

It's never easy to talk, but you'd never get ready to talk unless you start talking. Start slow. If you get uncomfortable, you can always try next time. But there will be no signal from your body (like a traffic signal) to indicate that you're ready.

Making peace with your past is a slow process. Take baby steps. Test the waters by dipping your fingers in the pool you don't wanna swim in. If you get comfortable over time, you can take a plunge.

Good luck!!