[tinyrabbit]

My mother sent me a letter. It arrived today. I just opened it, not knowing it was from her. She typed the address - I would have recognised her handwriting. When I stipulated no contact, I put: "Do not put envelopes through my door," so technically I guess she didn't breach that.

She picked out one thing I said and accused me of lying. She said it never happened, she said I was thinking of something completely different that happened four years earlier. I can't believe she's done this, she couldn't leave me alone like I asked.

I don't feel good. Understatement. Husband is away with work. Just rang my T and babbled incoherently into his voicemail. Why couldn't she just leave me alone like I asked?

TR... Now is the time to replay all those things your T has said to you in the past. He believes you... I know it is very invalidating but most people who carried out abuse and those who should have protected you are never going to admit it.... It will mess up the way they chose to see things or remember. It is very painful....sending hugs and positive thoughts...

I wish your M would have left you alone. I guess now you know to just save typed unmarked envelopes for you H to open even if they sit for a few days...or let your T open it...

[blueredgrey]

Dear Tinyrabbit,

I guess your mother can't digest the fact that you have cut her off her life. For every abuser needs a victim...their punchbag and without that, they can't live. It's like snatching oxygen....that's why they get desperate and do anything to try gain that power button back.

Expecting your mother to understand your plight, is like expecting a tiger to turn vegetarian.

Hang in there. Things will improve with time!!

Good luck!!

PS - Congrats on the ink!

[sweepy62]

dear tinyrabbit, I am so sorry she invalidated you, and did not respect your wishes to leave you alone, I am sorry your h is away at work, I hope you get a callback from your t. You know you are a stronger person these days. I know its affecting you, you are human. Know that you have our support here. Pm me if you need to ok. Sending you hugs.

[A Red Panda]

First: I am so sorry that you got surprised with the letter.

Secondly: She sent it to you because she's an abusive b****. You didn't go back to her and she's decided that it's been long enough and that you SHOULD go back to her - now that she's decided you haven't came to her senses (and DO remember that I'm mimicing her thoughts and that I certainly don't think you should go back to her or that you've ever lost your senses... I think you made the best choice possible!) she's now decided to take action.

She can't leave you alone because you are her chosen person to abuse to give her whatever power/control satisfaction she gets out of it. To her, you would have ruined her perfect image of being an awesome mother by refusing to have contact with her and I am sure that she cannot tolerate the idea of that. So of course she's going to lie - she is trying to save face.

Keep the letter though. Make sure you write down the date that it arrived, and keep it in your files. You've got an actual restraining order against her don't you? (I can't remember). So keep it as evidence.

[tinyrabbit]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I don't have a restraining order but I instructed her in writing not to contact me. In the event that another letter follows this one, I will actually look into taking out such an order (I believe you need two instances of unwanted contact).

I wish it had occurred to me that it could be from her but there was no way of telling and I just didn't think. At least she's been consistent - if she suddenly acted all sensitive and emotionally literate it would just mess with my head even further.

Nothing from my T but I don't really expect a response on a Saturday.

[SimonSays1]

I feel the same way everytime I see a gaslighting email from my abuser (mother) in my inbox (haven't seen one in a month). Trust me, the letters I get are identical word for word. So you are NOT alone.

Think of the way it makes you feel. How you feel the need to call your T. How you have a panic attack. Her attempt to invalidate you should be seen as validation for your resolve. More of a reason to stay strong.

[unaluna]

Wow. How interesting that she would actually offer an alternate explanation for an incident with a claim that you are off by exactly four years. That, to me, sounds like on tv detective shows, when the killer starts "cleverly" offering an alibi that he thinks will prove his innocence, but the audience and the detective can see that he just stepped in it.

How rotten of her to disguise that it was from her. Truly. I always save all my mail from my mother to open at my sessions. I couldn't manage any other way. Sometimes I won't even pick up my mail for a week if I expect something.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by SimonSays1

Think of the way it makes you feel. How you feel the need to call your T. How you have a panic attack. Her attempt to invalidate you should be seen as validation for your resolve. More of a reason to stay strong.

Thank you - this is such a good point.

I'm sorry anyone can relate. And I'm wise to her now - any questionable post will be opened by my H or my T.

[SimonSays1]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Thank you - this is such a good point.

I'm sorry anyone can relate. And I'm wise to her now - any questionable post will be opened by my H or my T.

I wouldn't hide from it. Let it make you stronger and more confident in your goal to improve yourself.

Success should be when you can open an inflammatory letter and go "meh...." while throwing it in the trash.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks everyone. My T texted me saying it sounds like I'm having a rough time and he's not surprised (ie he's not surprised the letter has caused me to have a right time). I feel better, not sure why it helps so much when he just makes observations but it does.

[A Red Panda]

Know what? Have a good laugh at your mother's expense. Think about how frustrated and angry she is that she doesn't have control over you anymore, and that she is desperate enough to actually HIDE her handwriting to trick you into opening the letter. Have a good long laugh at how pathetic it is.

And if she sends more in the future - laugh at them as soon as you open them, before you even read it. Because you KNOW it is going to be ridiculous and is just another pathetic attempt to get you back under her thumb.

[doyoutrustme]

My parents did the same to me after a confrontation. A delay followed by picking one thing that I hadn't remembered 100%. Tried to turn it on me.

Set the letter on fire. Maybe you'll feel better.

TR, I am so, so, so sorry to hear this happened. I don't know what else to say, but just know that I'm sending good healing thoughts your way.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks PE and everyone else who replied. It's caused some pretty hard-to-bear emotions over the past few days. I have T tomorrow, which will hopefully help.

And I am now even more sure I did the right thing cutting her off.