[robutts]

trigger warning...

I really gotta do something about my dad. I really do.

I was freaking out a few months ago after he started having these raging outbursts at me more often. When I was a teenager he'd explode maybe a couple times a year, but now it seems like it happens almost every other time I see him. I'm finding myself walking on eggshells, blaming myself for not being smart enough or in control of the conversation enough when something triggers him into flying off the handle. I shouldn't be trying to manage our relationship like this, especially since I'm an adult and out of the house. I haven't even been financially dependent on him in some time and I didn't even realize it until yesterday... that's how good his manipulation is. He's convinced me that I still need him financially even though he didn't even pay for my college tuition when he said he would.

But I'm getting tired of being surprised whenever he goes off in public and starts cursing and verbally attacking me. I should expect this by now. It shouldn't be acceptable just because he still occasionally buys me nice things. I shouldn't feel like I should put up with it because I owe him. Owe him for what? For not being an absent father?

Something else ugly has come to the surface since I've been here last... I found out from my aunt (who had to find out from my father when she was trying to piece together some of her medical history) that their aunt had killed herself when they were young and she was living with them. She was an alcoholic, and apparently my father thought she got the fate she deserved and was a waste of space being alive. I cannot believe that these words came out of his mouth, let alone about his own aunt, who clearly was suffering tremendously.

That, coupled with his infant-brother's murder by willful negligence just paints an incredibly horrific picture of him and his family's legacy that I can't even stand to bear his surname anymore.

I need to do something.

[rissaAli]

Hi. I'm sorry about your discoveries. I think that most people that have suffered abuse of any kind have some monsters in their attics. You're Absolutely right about not owing him a thing. His past is not yours though. I see one thing that you may not have in common at all. Self awareness. We can not change who our parents are though you do have the opportunity to change this now. Good luck and welcome back

[blueredgrey]

Dear robutts,

Sorry for all that you've gone thru.

Emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse as it steals your sense of self.

I think the reason your father is so mad is because abusive people need someone in their life to abuse. They wanna box and you can't box without a punching bag. They take all their anger on you and project image they have of themselves onto you.

Don't fall for his trap. Try to keep your contact with him at a minimal. It would be good if you can move to another city.....that would reduce your contact even more.

I hope your father realises that he needs some solid therapy for all the pain he has gone thru. But doesn't look like he'd ever realise that

Just move on....hope you are working with a therapist to help you with your pains!!

Good luck!!

[robutts]

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think I can ever cut him out of my life. I don't think can cut anyone in my family out of my life completely, I just don't have it in me.

Just declining the offer to go out to dinner with him last night hurt more than I thought it would. I don't know if that's a kind of hurt that I'll get over, if it's just me facing the reality of our relationship and having growing pains about it, or if it's a sign that I would be happier putting in more work than I thought.

I do need to have the therapy conversation with him though.

I've been putting it off, though. Looking for any reason to tell myself that it's not necessary, that he can get better without me having to sit him down and have that painful talk.

But I know that it's already long overdue.

[Fuzzybear]