[Tenrou]

I don't know if this is the right place for this...I've been checking all the subforums for half an hour (partly because I don't want to write this post) and I don't know where this fits. So if it needs to be moved I won't object. Also, this is long and I'm sorry for that.

In October I had what I can only call an unwanted sexual experience because my brain riots against calling it anything else. My doctor, who I went to see because I thought I had a UTI (turned out to be an STI, thanks jerk) said it was absolutely sexual assault. They were very caring, my doctors are awesome, they were on the phone with the police department within minutes of me telling them. Gave me all sorts of phone numbers and points of contact but I couldn't bear the idea of reporting it. And my therapist and I had to part ways back in August due to insurance issues. I took a crapload of antibiotics and at least I'm physically okay again. A couple days later a friend of mine found some speed and we smoked it and talked all night. Speed is an old old old addiction of mine, and still my drug of choice, but I hadn't done any before that in eight years. And now these last few weeks I've been seeking (though thank god not finding) drugs with an abandon that scares me. At this point I don't even care what it is, so long as it changes how I feel.

Because I'm thinking about this guy and what he did to me constantly. A hundred times a day. Any time I stop moving long enough to have a stray thought. I get flashes of the night and following day that it happened. He just kept doing things to me and was very forceful and demanding and I went to a self-preservation state and just did whatever he told me to do because I didn't know how to get rid of him. Every time I see someone who looks remotely like him I hide until I'm sure it's not him.

I told my sister all of this last night and she said I really need to get help because it's obviously affecting me more than I think it is, if I'm doing this drinking and drugging behavior again. The other friends I've told, even the ones who have dealt with this kind of thing, can't say anything other than 'you need to be more careful' and 'chin up, move forward.' My doctor gave me the phone number to a crisis line to talk to or set up counseling or what-have-you. But I can't call. I've been staring at the number for weeks and I can't bring myself to call, because what do you say?

I feel like I'm 'slut-shaming' myself. I keep thinking about how I didn't have to get in his car, I didn't have to let him dictate what I did, I didn't even have to be out drinking that night, and when he came up to me I could have just walked away but I didn't. And then I think, 'oh, I'm just ashamed of what I did so I'm crying rape because I don't want to own my actions,' but that's not true either, I didn't want any part of it.

The worst part is that I'm almost certain he had no idea that I didn't want it. Or if he did he didn't think of it as not consenting but playing hard to get.

I'm wondering what you're supposed to say when you call those people. Or what I'm supposed to get out of it. Other than reliving it to a stranger, what's supposed to come of it? My doctor already told me seven ways to Sunday that it wasn't my fault and that it was definitely wrong and should not have happened, and just because he didn't know or I was drinking doesn't mean it was okay or that I somehow brought it on myself. And I'm pretty sure that that's what they tell you at a hotline too. And my brain just won't wrap around it, or it will sometimes but most of the time I just feel terrible. But I can't keep going like this because one of these days I'm going to let the feelings take over me and actually get some dope and ruin my life again.

So I guess I'm asking if anyone has any experience on the asking end of a hotline, when it stops ringing and they say whatever they say...how do you get the words out? I'm scared to call but I'm scared to keep going like this.

[Bill3]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve it and it was not okay.

I listen on a hotline.

I'm wondering what you're supposed to say when you call those people. Or what I'm supposed to get out of it. Other than reliving it to a stranger, what's supposed to come of it?

Most of our callers say that it helps them to talk things over with another person.

And I'm pretty sure that that's what they tell you at a hotline too.

Yes but often talking helps to resolve a trauma emotionally, as opposed to knowing intellectually that you did nothing wrong.

how do you get the words out? I'm scared to call but I'm scared to keep going like this.

I believe that it is easier to get the words out when you feel some compassion and listening skill on the other end of the line. One idea, therefore, is to call a hotline and talk for a while about something else in order to get a sense of whoever picks up the phone. Do you sense compassion? Do you sense nonjudgmental listening? Do you sense a rapport between the two of you?

If you don't sense those things, then don't try to tell them about what happened. It is okay to thank them and say that you have to go. If you do sense those things, though, you may find it easier to get the words out.

You can google to find hotlines. You do not necessarily have to call a hotline in your area. At my hotline, we do get calls from people who intentionally chose to call someone outside of their area.

As with therapists, it might take more than one call to find a hotline that suits you. (And is there any chance that you could see a counselor in person?) I hope that you will keep trying until you find one or more lines that work for you.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Tenrou,

I'm so sorry you had this awful, traumatic experience.

First, I can't emphasise this enough - drugs is not the solution. It's an avoidance that brings its own set of problems. Stay away from it....as far as you can.

Second, pls stop blaming yourself for the assault. You are protecting your perpetrator by excuses like "may be he didn't know". He knew he was doing something wrong. He had no right to touch you, force you.....even if you were lying naked, passed out. It was a sexual assault. You remember that incident as something you did not want to have....so you probably resisted and he ignored your resistance.
You didn't face assault because of any of your actions, you faced assault because he was an assaulter.

I really, really wish you can get some therapy and heal yourself to move forward in life. Maybe you can try some online counsellor - they might be a little economical....though I'm not sure. It maybe easier for you to talk to a person thru computer. Pls don't view it as a luxury, but a necessity.

I'm not sure what you tell to a person to a rape crisis center....but just start with cops/therapist/doctor asked you to contact this number.....go on to tell what happened to you and then how it is affecting you.

If you are uncomfortable talking or calling a helpline.....maybe you can try emailing them....atleast initially.

Just take a little self defense classes - it just makes you feel very powerful. Push yourself to exercise - because it releases endorphins which make you feel good....take care of your body and don't abuse it with drugs .

We're here to help.....good luck!!