[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm having a difficult time right now and could use some support or opinions. I had a really unhealthy childhood full of drugs and abuse. I dealt with everything but my issues involving my mom. She was always saying she loved us and all but her drinking, munchausen, eating disorder, and drug use caused a lot of my issues growing up.
When she and I got into it when I was a teen she threatened to kill herself because I was upsetting her that much, so to think anything negative about her made me feel like complete crap.
12 years later I see its not changed and when she comes around it puts me in a dark mood for weeks, she drinks all the time, has done drugs around my three year old, bragged about my mental problems, etc etc.
it's gotten so bad it's putting a strain in my marriage. It's killing my husband to see me get so down after just a few hours with my mom. He's getting frustrated and rightfully so.
I want to get better for myself and my family so I had to cut ties with my mom. Cowardly as I am I did so through email confronting her on everything she needs to fix if she has hopes of me being in her life ever again.
I expected it but didn't expect it to be so hard, her response. She denied everything, says I'm making it all up, says she doesn't have a problem with drinking and goes on to play the guilt trip game. She's so heartbroken and will do anything to keep me in her life, all the while denying everything.
I'm so mixed inside. My old mind set of taking the blame, believing them when they say nothing happened, feeling bad for hurting others, feeling guilty for standing up for myself. My new mind set is that I did nothing wrong, I was the victim, I am just standing up for myself and protecting myself and my family. I'm in an internal battle right now, back and forth, and it's bringing me so down. Why does this have to be so hard?

[tinyrabbit]

It IS hard, and it's unfair that it's so hard. I'm a bit short on words right now, but I want you to know that it is absolutely okay to take care of yourself in this way. I'm sorry for all you have been through. I think part of the reason you're finding it so hard is because she has foisted responsibility on you for her feelings and given everything to you as your fault, when it's not your fault.

It's hard now but this is the beginning, this is where it starts to get easier. And it will get easier the more distance, perspective and clarity you get.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

It IS hard, and it's unfair that it's so hard. I'm a bit short on words right now, but I want you to know that it is absolutely okay to take care of yourself in this way. I'm sorry for all you have been through. I think part of the reason you're finding it so hard is because she has foisted responsibility on you for her feelings and given everything to you as your fault, when it's not your fault.

It's hard now but this is the beginning, this is where it starts to get easier. And it will get easier the more distance, perspective and clarity you get.

Thank you. It doesn't help I'm already emotional from being three months pregnant, high risk for medical problems, and under a great deal of stress with my husband being laid off work. Just ready for everything to start looking up again. Two short months ago I was doing so well. This sucks, it really does. I know I shouldn't feel bad but every ounce of me is fighting the guilt. Ugh

[trdleblue]

I'm sorry. I wish I had some wise words, but all that I can say is I do understand how hard cutting ties can be. I hope that you are able to continue to do what is best for yourself.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Purpleflyingmonkeys,

I am so sorry for everything you've gone thru. Caring hugs

You are absolutely right in cutting ties until your mom fixes herself. Even if you wish to completely sever contacts, even after she mends her ways....I would completely understand and you would be justified to do so. If she has done drugs in front of your daughter - you have a duty to cut ties from your mother - for the sake of your young and impressionable daughter.

Pls don't call yourself a coward for sending an email - you know better that if you had confronted her, she would have twisted the argument in such a way that you may have never been able to say anything. Sending an email is practical - you get to say everything in the tone you want.

Right now, please ignore everything your mother has to say to you right now. It's not a mature woman talking - someone you can respect as a mother - but rather an addict and a woman trying to defend herself. Your mother is living in denial and will continue to live in denial - unless she's forced to think about her actions - and it's not easy to think about thoughts that bring pain (which makes it so easy to live in denial)....especially if they are guilty. Clearly, your mom has many issues of her own to deal with....and she won't unless she is forced to. Love, sometimes, has to be tough.

Right now, cutting contact off your mother is the right thing and it would be beneficial for her too. Indirectly, you are helping her. Cutting off contact may force her to face her pains and mend her ways. The first step of mending ways is accepting mistakes.

Pls, ignore your mom's words right now. You are right in maintaining distance!

I may have said it thousand times - but here it goes again - pls write all the hurtful things your mom did in a diary. Whenever your other voice gets stronger that you are doing something wrong or relatives jump in to "peace talks" or your mom sends an email that hurts you - you can go back to the diary to get a sense of validation on why cutting off contact and standing up to your mother is the right thing to do.

Writing is healing, therapeutic. I have observed that no matter how many times I've thought about an incident - writing and reading it, makes me think of it in a new light.

Be strong! We're here to help

I am sorry your husband was laid off work. I hope financially things are okay for now. If not....I have a few suggestions (not sure how practical for you - just ideas).

I wish you well.

[Vokera]

You're correct to protect yourself and your family. Keep her out of your life until she seeks help and changes her behaviour. There is NO guilt to feel over how you distanced yourself. She took drugs in front of your daughter. Shame on her. A BIG YAY! for you. I wish you the best. Stay focused on yourself, those who love you and treat you as though they love you. Keep the faith!

[SimonSays1]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

.
My old mind set of taking the blame, believing them when they say nothing happened, feeling bad for hurting others, feeling guilty for standing up for myself. My new mind set is that I did nothing wrong, I was the victim, I am just standing up for myself and protecting myself and my family. I'm in an internal battle right now, back and forth, and it's bringing me so down. Why does this have to be so hard?

Story of my life in it's entirety. I have to actively remind myself when I feel this way and forcefully make myself stop thinking this way. Because I was conditioned through systematic abuse as a child (a critical developmental time) this way thinking is deep rooted.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

she drinks all the time, has done drugs around my three year old, bragged about my mental problems, etc etc.
it's gotten so bad it's putting a strain in my marriage. It's killing my husband to see me get so down after just a few hours with my mom. He's getting frustrated and rightfully so.

confronting her on everything she needs to fix if she has hopes of me being in her life ever again.

. She denied everything, says I'm making it all up, says she doesn't have a problem with drinking and goes on to play the guilt trip game. She's so heartbroken and will do anything to keep me in her life, all the while denying everything.
I'm so mixed inside. ?

It's really a struggle, when there's two people involved, who both feel like the victim. Hence, her guilt trips, with you. Sometimes, no contact, isn't the only solution. But contact, with limitations. This is clearly, placing a strain on you and your marriage.

It's a matter, of finding that place, inside of you, that knows, what you can and cannot withstand around another, without pointing out the flaws in another, as the reasoning behind the distancing of oneself.

Cutting the apron strings, of the mother/daughter relationship, has got to be, one of the hardest things to do. Recognizing that your mom, does bring a sense of dysfunction to your life, yet, deep down, there is that connection, even a sense of loyalty. ((wonder if it's a biological predisposition, myself)). Have had many a moments, with my own mom, in the past, where, I just needed some breathing room.

What are the alternatives?

[KittyKay]

It's a matter, of finding that place, inside of you, that knows, what you can and cannot withstand around another, without pointing out the flaws in another, as the reasoning behind the distancing of oneself.

Can you please say this again? and again? and again?

thank you

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all for everything. It's been three weeks and I feel better each day.
I sent a lengthy email confronting her on her responsibility in my trauma, she of course denied every bit of it; I confronted her on her substance abuse and of course it was denied; confronted her on her issues in taking pride over my misfortunes and again she denied it. I asked her to not mention anything via Facebook and for once to keep it to herself and not run off blabbing to everyone like she always does. For three weeks it seemed like maybe at least that part she was willing to listen to.
My therapist nearly convinced me, against my better judgement, to tel my mom about my brothers abuse. I never did because I knew it would be repeated to others. That's my mom, she takes pleasure in my pain. Well the t had me seriously considering it but God is on my side. My mom accidentally sent me an email, meaning to send it to her friend, about my email to her, going so far as to copy and paste part of my message. In a failed attempt to get me to not see the mistake she sent me another lengthy email denying everything yet claiming to "own up to her mistakes". I responded only confronting her on her talking about it to others and again she denied it! I simply copied and pasted her mistaken email to her and she admitted, for once. But went on to throw herself a pity party about her being alone and not having someone like I have my husband.
Not an ounce of it worked. I see who she is, I see she won't change and I feel justified in my decision to cut her out.

[nicoleflynn]

All we can do is tell the truth. Most abusers will never admit what they have done. Good for you! Restorative Justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel.

[BelleCat]

I wish I had something better to say than this, but this is all I have:
You have a right to protect yourself from unhealthy people and unhealthy situations. You did the right thing for you.
I wish you all the best.

Whatever it takes to preserve our physical and emotional well-being.

Severed all contact with my abusive family of origin 20 years ago.

It wasn't easy, but had I not, I most likely wouldn't even be here today.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

It's been a struggle getting where I need to be but cutting ties with my mom was the best decision I've made since cutting them with my brother.
I wake up feeling more positive and hopeful, I have energy, I feel light as a feather. I didn't know just how much she effected me until I cut ties. For the first time in years, I'm not afraid and I don't feel guilty.

[BLUEDOVE]

Good for you . . . .always remember: You are the
fountain from which everything else springs; if YOU are not right,then nothing else in your world
will be alright. I bow to your courage.
BLUEDOVE