[Catlovers141]

I have recently started having some more explicit memories of sexual abuse from when I was really little, and I have felt very alone because I have not been able to share the details with anyone, including my therapist. I would really like to, but I feel so much shame even though I know that the abuse was not my choice. I feel so disgusted by it, and it is hard for me to separate feeling disgusted with the abuse and feeling disgusted with my actual self. Even though I don't think this is true, I am afraid that when I tell my therapist, she will be so disgusted with me because of what I have been involved in and will see me in a more negative way. Can anyone relate and help me get past this?

Very sorry for you pain. I hope you can come to the realization that you are the VICTIM. You did nothing to be embarrassed or disgusted....

[BLUEDOVE]

In abuse when a child,the child will ALWAYS take
any blame,becaussseee,it is unthinkable to it to blame its carers--so it accepts blame which you have done,though its buried in your subconscious
and become 'part' of you. Now you can let it go.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[Harley47]

Hi Catlovers.

Please let me start and say that I am so, so sorry this ever happened to you. No one should ever have to endure something like this. No one.

But you're on the right track...you're aware the abuse was NOT YOUR CHOICE. You had zero influence over what happened...to be ashamed of it is akin to someone whose purse was stolen blaming themselves for having their purse stolen. It's absolutely not their fault.

Catlovers, you endured and survived one of the most heinous things one can inflict upon another human being, and look at where you are now. Things in the present may not be perfect, but in spite of what you went through, here you are attempting to better yourself and to work past things. You shouldn't be ashamed Catlovers. You should be damned proud for the strength you've displayed in this. I know I'm proud of you for trying.

Your therapist won't think different of you at all, and will respect your wishes if you don't wish to disclose details. I imagine he or she would be interested in knowing, as the more they know, the better they can help, but they're not going to prod you nor are they going to think any differently of you. They absolutely are not going to show disgust towards you...that's not what they're there for, and believe me, you're not alone in your story. I would doubt that you'd be their first exposure to this sort of thing. I would encourage you to tell your therapist in due time, but that's when you're ready, and not a moment before.

Let the shame go Catlovers. You've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Hugs,
Harley

[ThisWayOut]

For a long time i had a really difficult time talking about my Csa due to shame. Still do, but now wound up at an sa treatment center that offers sa counseling. I've found that had helped be able to talk about some of it (it's pretty much the focus of all my t deals with, so it's more believable to the hurt little in me that she will not judge differently for it). I know it's not necessary to have an sa therapist, but i needed a new t anyway, and was directed to this place. It's still very difficult to talk about, but i find myself a hair more comfortable with her. I think it also needed to be the right time for me to talk about it. I don't think i would have been able to 2 years ago, even though My t knew the gist of things...
to echo what's been said, the shame is just a truck of the abuse. I'm pretty sure your t will not think of you any differently (my t's never did when i disclosed that it had happened). Writing it helped (and being vague, But asking my t to gently ask questions about it) helped to be able to communicate when i could not bring myself to say the words. Is there anything that makes disclosure easier for you in general? I will wrote things sometimes with the intent of reading it to t, but end up giving it to her to read because my voice in my throat. I have some stuff to bring up with her tomorrow, and i have written it down. This time I'm committing to reading it, even if my voice gives out and i start to cry... Is there anything you can do along the lines of communicating differently that may help you? Our maybe have a lead in conversation about shame or something that will build up comfort and allow you to say what you need in the end?
sorry you are struggling with this.