[potterhead6]

I posted this on a website (mdjunction) 2 years ago and I thought I'd share it with you guys. I don't remember writing this bc I was so severely depressed for those couple of months. It's crazy to reread it, though, and remember those feelings and thoughts from my freshman year of high school. Wow.

So I guess I'll start by explaining my story.
When I was younger, I was molested by someone in my own family who I trusted. I was only in 1st or 2nd grade, though, and I didn't know what was happening. I grew up denying that something did happen - I thought I was just crazy.

However, because of this experience, I never really felt comfortable with myself or my body. I had a hard time trusting people. I become very dependent upon my family - my parents and my sister mostly. I watched TV a lot, not knowing how to deal with these insane memories I had of inappropriate situations with that person. Instead of going out and living my life, I engrossed myself into the lives of people on tv - I hated myself so much that I felt the need to do so. I didn't want to face reality. I didn't want to face myself or that person. But I had to. Every single day I had to see him. Every single day I wondered to myself what the hell was wrong with me? Why would I hallucinate about something like this? But....could my nightmares possibly true? Has our relationship been a complete lie and he's trying to hide the fact that it did happen? I didn't know. All throughout middle school I questioned myself and my family and my thoughts. I've always been a very emotional, extremely sensitive person.

On one hand, in middle school, I found my absolute best friends. I love them so dearly. They are like my sisters. However, I couldn't deny the fact that I felt extremely socially awkward in that school. I was an outcast. I still am. Oh, and I also struggled a lot with school work because of all my emotional problems. Finally, in 8th grade, I was getting almost obsessed with this situation; I can't have just made it up, even if it wasn't the person who I thought it was, something must have happened. So I went through most of 8th grade fighting my thoughts and whether or not I should tell someone. I thought of lashing out with anger at the person who might of done this to me, to catch him off guard. But I didn't. I couldn't have. It would've eaten me alive - the guilt that is. That year I quit most of my dance classes because I couldn't deal with the people there not liking me and the fact that I was the worst in my class.. Well, neither case helped me that much. Over the summer of 8th grade was when I really started to notice my mood differences. I was 78% sure that I had been molested by the person I thought it was... But how would I tell my parents? Could I really face this truth - the truth I've been denying for close to 10 years?

That was the time when I gained a lot of weight. That time and the beginning of freshman year. I just hated myself so much. It had to be my fault, right? What had happened, I mean. also my mom had become depressed 2 summers ago for the first time. It was the second most heartbreaking thing that has ever happened to me. She couldn't even get up in the morning. And that's what happened to me freshman year. I completely shut down - I didn't talk to my friends, I rarely smiled or laughed, I cried and cried every single day to the point where it burned my eyes to do so, I was failing my classes in school... Everything was crumpling before my eyes. I had completely given up. That's when my mom, who had gotten better since her previous breakdown, asked me what was wrong. I remember exactly what happened, what I said and what she said. She pushed all her shocked feelings aside to help me in any way she could. It was still a devastating couple months though. Even after I told her. It still had to be talked about w my family. I had to confront the person and the truth. The most terrifying thing in my life. Thank god I at least had my moms support behind me.

But I was still stuck. I felt like now I had this huge secret that I had to carry around w me everywhere. People never knew the real me and never could. I became childishly jealous of my peers at school.. How could everyone be so happy when i, myself, felt so miserable? They didn't have to go through something like this. They see me as the socially awkward girl who has very few friends and is pretty dumb. That's probably the thing that will hurt me the most. The person who molested me - I still have to live and see him every day. And i could never speak out to the public about this because then i would be destroying his life as well, and he's a pretty good person now. Though I've forgiven him (that took a while in itself, but I can confidently say that I have forgiven him), I still can't help but be angry. He gets to live his life happily - he has a lot of friends and a special talent etc, and here I am the complete opposite. I see beauty all around me - in the trees, in the flowers, animals, people, etc but I see absolutely no beautify in myself. I'm so dumb and a horrible person and ignorant etc....

I don't know. I'm just so confused. Every day I try to be happy. I've learned that things get easier with time (well usually they do) every day I try my absolute hardest at school. I don't have a bright brain though, so I barely get by in math and my foreign language classes. Ugh.

But I try as hard as I can. I mean, at the end of the day, that's all you can really do, right?

Okay well I should go now. Please don't share my story with others unless I give you permission. And please, I'm begging you, don't even try and ins out who I am.

Thanks for reading and please leave a reply for me. I'd appreciate it greatly. I need to know I'm not completely alone with my mood swings and low self esteem etc

Feel free to PM or friend me. I'm always willing to talk.

~~~~~~~

[Travelinglady]

Hi and welcome to Psych Central! Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure a lot of folks can identify with it. You're certainly not alone.

You don't say anything about getting therapy. Have you tried talking to a therapist? I have found that very helpful in dealing with my low self-esteem and other issues.

[LaborIntensive]

[potterhead6]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hi and welcome to Psych Central! Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure a lot of folks can identify with it. You're certainly not alone.

You don't say anything about getting therapy. Have you tried talking to a therapist? I have found that very helpful in dealing with my low self-esteem and other issues.

I went to therapy for - I think - two months during that year (Freshman year) but my therapist was absolutely dreadful and didn't help in the slightest bit. She was simply doing her job, and I hated that. I actually felt more empowered to get out of my deep depression when I quit her therapy sessions. I'm now getting to a point where I'd like to go back to try therapy again, so my mom's helping me get a therapist. Hopefully it will go well

Thanks for your reply!