[FacingMyPast]

Well where does one start when it comes to tell others their problems...
So many things to say and all I can think is will I be judged or will they find me disgusting and this is a daily battle for me especially this last year which I guess I will explain first then get to what I need get out.

First thing to know is I'm English but I have been living in America for a few years now and in England there is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse, so by law if someone reports a crime 7, 10 even 20 years down the road it's investigated. This is important to what I have to say I guess.

Down to my life...
I'm 29 years old and have been a victim of both physical and sexual abuse.
The physical was when I was very young by my real dad and by very young I mean one of my first memories was sitting outside in the middle of winter in a towel as my elder sister hugged me tight cleaning blood from my face listening to my father beat my mum to a pulp and then watching her being carted off on a stretcher by paramedics. We then lived in a woman's shelter for 6 months after that and I havnt seen him since yet we did talk on the phone when I was in my teens.

When I was 6 my step father came into my life my mum was so happy after spending so many years alone and I remember feeling some joy that finally I was going to have a dad. I remember before it all started I actually asked him if I could call him Dad and he graciously accepted the title. But that soon turned rotten. My mum worked 2 jobs and would leave at night for a few hrs a few days a week and he would come into mine and my sisters room and at the time I thought it was just me who was dealing with this. For the first months it was him touching me, then performing oral sex on me and once he got comfortable getting away with that he moved on to other things.
He had a small room at the back of the small town home we lived in which was his computer room and I remember sitting on his lap one day I must have been 7 or so and feeling this horrible sharp pain and I screamed and just as quickly as it started the pain stopped that was the first time he tried to rape me. It was never violent at least for awhile. I would close my eyes right when I heard the door squeak open and pretend to be asleep but that never stopped him he would role me over and pry my legs apart and do what he needed to and leave.

He would tell me this is a special game daddy's and little girls play not for mummy's to know ok. That's how he got me to shut up the first few years.

When I was 9 my mum gave us the news she was pregnant and we would be moving just before the baby was born. So we moved and my little sister was born and I was a proud big sister and for some reason I got a little defiant and protective and never wanted him to hold her which my mum played off as me thinking my sister was a doll.
As I started to grow up a bit I hit around 11 I knew what was happening wasn't right and I told him no for a few weeks because I didn't want to and I remember it clear as day. Mum had gotten up and taken my sister to daycare my older sister left for school and he was to drive me to school but I hadn't gotten out of bed yet. I remember my day flying open and him charging in sitting on my chest and arms as he masturbated while I screamed and cried and when he was done he told me to get in the shower and clean myself before school. It was the first time it had gotten forceful and I cried all day so much so my teachers asked what was wrong with me and I couldn't talk so I had to be picked up from school by him and he told me in the car he was sorry and he just couldn't help himself any longer and that if I told he would be taken away and Mum would be unhappy and I'd not have a dad anymore. So I kept my mouth shut.
A few months later Mum and him were fighting and eventually he left us but we were to spend weekends with him at his new place. All 3 of us went at first but my sister was in her teens and stopped going but out of fear for my little sister I went ever weekend for years where I was abused and violated over and over again. I have never really called it rape I guess because I let him do it, I let him do it so I knew my little sister was safe if he was doing it to me and not her then I was doing my duty as a older sister I was protecting her.
I got a boyfriend when I 13 and still going to his house ever weekend and I'd cry and my boyfriend who was 17 had no clue why when he would kiss and touch me sometimes. And sometimes I'd get this horrible feeling in my lower back when I kissed my boyfriend I can't explain it I wonder if anyone else had this it was like my body was telling me I didn't want to be kissing my own boyfriend.

My mum found out I was having sex with my boyfriend when I was 14 and told my step dad about it as she wanted to sit me down and talk with both of them about protection ect.... The morning he came to pick me and my sister up we sat we talked I nodded agreed to be put on the pill and I knew something bad was going to happen that weekend from the look in his eyes. This time I would say it was rape because I said no he grabbed me and forced himself on me the whole time spouting nasty comments about me being a slut and this is what sluts deserve and how could I cheat on Him..... He acted like we were in a relationship.
After that weekend I decided to not stay the weekends I'd go for the first day give him what he wanted and leave and left my sister with him I asked him if he would swear to never touch her and he told me 'she's my blood I could never do that to her' my heart broke cause even though this man was abusing me he in my eyes was still my dad he never referred to me as a step kid well not then anyway.... When I was 15 I decided I had enough I didn't see him for a few months he had remarried and I felt my sister safe there. But on my way home from London one day I thought I'd go say hi because I missed my dad and well it happened all over again and just as I was getting dressed his wife had returned home and just barely missed catching us.... He would text me all week long bout it and I finally got the courage to tell him never again, so I went to his house I let him do what he wanted for hours and when he was done I told him that was it never again and if he ever touched my little sister I'd kill him. And that was the last time 2 days before my 16th birthday.

My teenage years where horrible, I over dosed 3 times between 12-13yrs old as a sign for help but after that time where he raped me I took another over dose a bunch of pills chased with a bottle of nail polish remover and rubbing alcohol and I am very lucky to be alive, my arms and legs and stomach were covered in scars and cuts from self mutilation they admitted me to a children's psychiatric facility called a adolescence unit where I spent 5 days week as a inpatient and then 2 days a week with my mum or him. My friends thought I was crazy apart from one who I told everything too and my boyfriend. I spent 6 months in there with other kids who were disturbed in someway, anorexia, OCD, suicide attempts ect. And when we had therapy I told them it was cause I was bullied at school and mum placed it to him leaving us and me taking on looking after my sister while she still worked 2 jobs. Those years were the worst.

In 2004 I moved to America with my boyfriend I was 19 we got married and were living in California and one morning I got a call from him panicked and crying and his words were 'that special thing we had well I did it to your older sister but not as long as you I swear only a few months and then I knew you were what I wanted' once again like we were in a relationship.... He told me she was threatening to go to the police and he wanted me to talk to her and calm her down and be someone for her to talk to and 'get over' it. I said I would in a few days but he called me back and told me not to bother he had paid her 5k to keep her mouth shut.... I was so mad cause before my little sister was born I did it to protect my older one. Every so often he would call me panicked again and it ended the same way he would give her money and she would shut up. Now they hadn't been on good terms since I was 13 and I always chalked it down to her being selfish. She had found a way to get money quickly when she needed it and she took full advantage of it she didn't do it at first because she wanted justice she did it for money.... In 2007 I had gotten divorced after my ex husband (my boyfriend for years) cheated on me numerous times but this time got the lady pregnant and I was living on my own and I got one of his calls and this time he refused to give her money and she was emailing him threatening him calling him a pedophile and he asked me to talk to her and this time I did and she freaked out and I gave him a choice send her to therapy or send her to America to me for a week and I would talk to her. I had just got divorced and I didn't want anymore drama... Well he paid for her to come to me for a week she told me what had happened it was for maybe 4 months never anything more than oral and when I told her my side and not even all of it it just added fuel to the fire and she kept saying don't you want him to pay.... I had drifted away from him after my 21st because he told me he was expecting another kid with his wife and I was angry and I told her no even though we hardly spoke anymore and he was now my step dad not my dad and I was his step daughter because having a daughter my age made him seem old... Years went by and my older sister brought it up from time to time and he cheated on his wife got this other woman pregnant and had another kid.. Then cheated on her with a 19yr old got her pregnant but made her have an abortion.... After all this which I was he go to person he would tell me everything about what he was doing and would bring up us and that he still had the videos he took or me ect and no one compared to me I just kind of lost interest in him as anything more than my sisters dad and my step dad but we did talk a lot.
I met an amazing man my current husband had a child she's my world and is nearly 3 now and was living in Florida. My sister had a child a year after me and on December 14th 2012 she calls me at work and told me she had gone to the police and told them everything about her and everything she knew about me on November 4th and she was telling me because he was arrested that day and questioned by the police and an investigation was taking place and they wanted to talk to me. Not only did she tell the she told my mother and my little sister and I had to tell my mum what happened and broke her heart and my little sister was devastated and swore nothing happened to her nor did she think anything happened to her little sister and brother. And she told me I needed to go to the police and tell them.
I had been having problems and memories were coming back ones I didn't want after I had my little girl I made some comments to my husband that if he touched her I'd kill him and that broke his heart because but understood in away.
And when this all happened I was told by him I needed to talk to the police for some closure because I never slept really when I did I'd scream or cry or throw my fists arounds which I have done for years because my dreams are memories and I have flash backs and panic attacks and spurts of anger and I was diagnosed with PTSD which I honestly knew for a long time but was in denial I'm a Pharmacist I know the signs as I have worked VA and in psych wards in the hospitals I have worked.
I made a phone statement to the police and they wanted to come out here to interview me. And it took forever for them to get here, about a year in fact because of protocol. We moved to Ohio and I work between here and D.C and In January of this year they called me out the blue and told me they would be here the following week to take my statement at a local police station.

Well by this point my little sister changed her mind and didn't want me to come forward and I was stuck between my two sisters , my little sister is my baby I raised her and me and my older sister don't get along she's a very selfish person with no regards to others and I am very angry with her. Not because she went to the police but because she had to tell them about me which she had no right to do. At first I thought she was doing it because of her having problems but I found out after my phone statement (which was enough for them to arrest him even if I didn't make a statement) that she had asked him for money and he told her to get lost and then 2 days later she went to the police and when I asked her she told me she wanted revenge.. Not justice but revenge and that he didn't give her what she deserved which was money and he needed to pay for it. She dragged me into a revenge plot and I understand she's got issues too because of this but I can't forgive her for doing it and dragging me into it and hurting our family for revenge.
The police came and took my statement I was in a little gray room for 6 hours ever detail I could remember so graphic the questions where and I had to be just as graphic in my response to them. 6 hours this went on for they were very nice but it really messed my head up things I had forgotten and things I never wanted to tell anyone I could have gone an entire life time never talking about.
They also went to see my ex husband for a statement.
And a month after they called me and told me that they had arrested him again on my behalf (oh I forgot he got remarried again in 2013 after all this come to light so he has convinced people my sister is lying and had no clue I was involved as he was to have no communication with me my older sister and mum but could with my younger one) this time they kept him over night In a cell and searched his entire house.
He had known something was up because his bail was a year and when he went to court in Dec 2013 they told him it was being extended due to a secondary witness and he had spoken to my little sister about all of what was going on with my older sister and he guessed I was the secondary witness and he had told my little sister how heart broken he was his bail was extended but never mentioned me just incase it wasn't me and she went off on me and told me that she didn't want this for her younger siblings ect. So now I'm worried she will never forgive me when she finds out I made a statement.

I was told to so what was right for me and I have no clue if I did the right thing because I was happy before all of this yes I had my trigger moments and suffered from depression and all of my past affects me on a daily basis but since all of this I have been suffering from panic attacks my PTSD gotten worse and I have been swallowed by my guilt and ashamed of everything I did even though I know it wasn't my fault.

When I spoke to the 2 police ladies who interviewed me I told them I don't want revenge and I don't care the outcome but maybe me telling my story would help me which I think it's just made things worse.
I asked what would happen and they said they didn't okow could go free could get put on a sex offender list of he could go to jail and I know if that's the outcome he will kill himself before it got to that point he had made that clear for a long time another way of keeping me quiet.

My entire life is up in the air, I work the ICU in my hospital and we had a child rapest come in from a local prison after he was beaten so badly and was nearly killed by Inmates he wasn't safe in there so he was sent to us and I couldn't take him as a patient I had to give the case to my resident to deal with. And I was questioned by my boss to why and I told him and my whole life is just a mess.
My nightmares are worse , I punched my husband a few times in the face while sleeping since this started and he's scared to sleep next to me.. I have even started cutting myself again...

All I keep thinking is I'm a medical professional... I'm a Dr of Pharmacology (PharmD) and I am going down deeper and deeper into this whole and I can't pull myself out of it....

I have to wait and see what happens to him and they said most likely won't be till September till we hear anything....

I guess I came here because my husband can't listen to the details I can't talk to my mum or sister I have no one I feel comfortable talking too apart from my therapist who sometimes isn't helpful... I need people who feel my pain and know the hell I have suffered... I'm hoping I can find that here.

I'm sorry my post was so long...

[FacingMyPast]

I'm looking for someone who maybe can understand or have input or just someone I can talk too.

I feel broken, I feel all alone and angry.

I'm not quite sure what I am doing moment to moment.

Help

[Mysterious Flyer]

You are blaming your sister because it feels safe to do so. Of course she wants him to pay. She wants restitution for the hardships in life that he has caused her. You should want restitution too. Not necessarily in the form of extortion, but still. You don't want it because you think you were willing, but you weren't. You were compelled. Who cares about his precious offspring and what they want for their siblings? They obviously don't care about you. You should care more about yourself and your sister.

[FacingMyPast]

I blame my sister because she had no right to drag me into it without my permission,
If she wanted to do this for herself and ask me before telling my mum anything or the police things could be very different between us right now. But she didn't. It's one thing to tell the police but telling my mother and my little sister is a completely different story.
I made my choice to go into this with the impression my little sister would support me, like I said I raised her but her siblings are young one is 6 the other is 4 and she feels a sense of protection for them and I understand that I do and she does care for me.

I spent years avoiding and running from things yes but I was never as angry as I am now.
And I do care for my older sister... We may not see eye to eye on a lot of stuff but she's blood and I love her but no I don't have much regard for myself.

[Fuzzybear]

[FacingMyPast]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Not entirely sure what that means. But thanks lol

[doyoutrustme]

You have been through hell. Medical professionals are not immune to mental illness and there is no shame in seeking help. It sounds like you could benefit from medication so you can function at home and work.

tapatalk post.

[jhope1990]

The only person who is responsible for the pain you and your family are feeling is your step father NOT YOUR SISTER. He is the one who dragged you into something without your permission.
The best way to protect your step sisters from abuse from him is to have him behind bars for life!
You feel like your little sisters mother, How did your step father get you to not tell your mother? From what you have said she would still not know if your sister hadn't brought it to light.
You are a survivor! You can get through this pain! You are not alone!

[jhope1990]

Originally Posted by FacingMyPast

I'm looking for someone who maybe can understand or have input or just someone I can talk too.

I feel broken, I feel all alone and angry.

I'm not quite sure what I am doing moment to moment.

Help

You are not alone! You have every right to be angry! You can put the pieces together to be happy you are a survivor!

[FacingMyPast]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

You have been through hell. Medical professionals are not immune to mental illness and there is no shame in seeking help. It sounds like you could benefit from medication so you can function at home and work.

tapatalk post.

I'm on medicine but being a Pharmacist it's hard to not be picky about what to take and what to take it with.
For a long time I dealt with out medication because of my schooling but it got to a point where I knew it was getting out of hand.

The saying doctors make the worst patients goes well with Pharmacist too unfortunately. We know too much in a sense but I have been on my meds steadily for awhile now, Somedays it helps some it doesn't. My bathroom cabinet looks like I could start my own bloody pharmacy to be honest as much as I have in there.

My T tells me sometimes I'm impossible she will suggest something for me to try and we go back and forth and haggle pretty much till we agree on something else yet similar. It's a hard cycle to break.

[Mysterious Flyer]

Your sister had a legal obligation to report the crime that she witnessed against you. The crime was against you, yes, but it was also against society. The whole world suffers when little girls are raised as physical property, and abused. She may not have done it with a pure heart, but she still ultimately did what she was supposed to do. She told on the bastard.

[FacingMyPast]

She never witnessed anything she didn't know till I was asked too talk to her in my early 20s. Her legal obligation would refer to her talk to the police which I have stated fine I understand that but to tell my mum and my little sister is not ok with me.

I am aware to the fact she's a victim but she didn't have to drag me into this without my permission. That is why I'm angry with her.

[Mysterious Flyer]

It seems like you feel that she is telling on you, but she isn't. She is telling on him. I can understand that you might be worried about getting blamed. A lot of mean-spirited people will try to say that you were willing because you didn't scream and run to the cops the first time it happened. Well, you did what you could and you got no support and you were trying to protect other people, and you were being manipulated by an adult. I really think that you won't be able to feel better until you can direct your anger where it belongs. Then you can sort out who is at fault (i.e., not you or your sister), and who needs to be protected (i.e., not his kids).

[jhope1990]

Originally Posted by FacingMyPast

She never witnessed anything she didn't know till I was asked too talk to her in my early 20s. Her legal obligation would refer to her talk to the police which I have stated fine I understand that but to tell my mum and my little sister is not ok with me.

I am aware to the fact she's a victim but she didn't have to drag me into this without my permission. That is why I'm angry with her.

Again, I will say. the only one who dragged you into a situation without your permission is your step father from the first time he touched you inappropriately(rape) until the last . You are suffering, as is the rest of your family because of HIM not because she told. You should scream your anger at him saying how could you do that to me without my permission! Do not listen to his voice in your head telling you that you wanted it, it is a LIE he uses to manipulate you and shame you into submission.
Everyone would be better with him behind bars!

[FacingMyPast]

My anger is more that the things she told my mother.
She could have said he did this that and the other but she told the details.
I think you all seem to think I am overly mad at my sister like I blame her for all of my pain and I don't. I am mad that she did this without my permission. If she would have gone to the police and said hey I went to the police and I told mum do you want too then It would be different.
I'm not mad her for my past I'm not misplacing my anger and pain, but I am mad that this was done without my permission she made a choice for me that wasn't here to make.

I get it it's all him he's the cause of my pain and I am angry with him he's ruined my life. But I have a right to be mad at her too for invading my personal life, don't i?

[jhope1990]

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Ellen Bass

[FacingMyPast]

I got a horde of texts from my little sister yesterday yelling at me not because of making a statement but because we all lied and no one informed her of it and when I asked who the hell told her then she said it was him.
So I flat out asked what lie is he telling to get out of this one cause unlike my older sister in everyone else's eyes I have no reason to lie because I have always been a good loving daughter to him she won't tell me she's just angry cause she wasn't informed... And I told her I didn't want to hurt her and I thought someone else would have told her.. She was so abrasive and mean I finally lost my temper and just flat out told her I'm sorry she was upset because she made some comment about being lied to her entire life... I said I'm sorry I spent 10yrs protecting you letting him violate me for your safety... And now I feel bad for losing my temper...
Yes she shouldn't have gone off on me for anything but my PTSD is really kicking in this last week it's driving me nuts

[victoriaphibes]

Same here...but don't stop talking about what was done to you. I'm coming out of 42 years of silence about what was done to me at age 6. Don't be silent...talk until you're red raw in the throat...someone will listen and validate your experiences.

[FacingMyPast]

Had another text war with my little sister today, nothing is ever initiated by me in fact I have been avoiding contact with her for this reason.... She blamed me for not seeing her younger siblings amongst other stuff then when I finally lost my temper and told her the universe didn't revolve round her and her precious life and I understand it's hard to Except her father did this stuff but I didn't tell her to protect.... She said she had been lied to by the family by not telling her what was going on this last year she was told minimal details because A. She didn't need to know the details B. Mum was afraid my oldest sister would tell her out of spit for of my step dad (her words not mine) and my mum wanted to be in control of the situation rather than it just being unloaded on her C. Mum thought it would be too hard on me seeing as how I pretty much raised my little sister.

She never said she didn't believe it happen but she called me a liar for not telling her I came forward and made a statement and I'm a liar for never telling her anything ever because we always told each other everythig and I flipped out. I told her she can be angry with my she can call me every name under the sun she can disown me or never want to hear my name spoken again but never call me a liar for not telling her as me keeping my mouth shut for as long as I did was to protect her precious behind and her precious world where everything revolves around her and her alone...

Now I feel rotten absolutely rotten for yelling and the things I said to her I do I feel like the worst person on the planet but the sad part is that they are true.... Ever since she has found out it's been ' I ' or ' Me ' or ' My ' out of her mouth everything... She has no regard for anything or anyone else she's 19 and I guess I shouldn't expect more from her but I did... When she blamed me for not seeing her siblings I asked how that was my fault neither live with him they live 15 mins from her with 2 seperate woman who would love for her to come over and see them without him there she chooses not to go....
For the longest time I worried about everyone else when this came out I worried which sister I was going to hurt and make hate me and lose if I did or didn't come forward... Or how my mum was going to feel or my husband and I finally started to try and do things for myself and I still find myself putting everyone else in front of myself but today I just lost it with her selfishness. Then after I snapped and she knew she had gone too far she said I'm sorry I'm having a bad day and I took it out on you........ I havnt even responded

How sad for you, your sister and any other children this monster has and will continue to predate upon.

I can understand your upset with your sister, but I hope you can see how your abuser set y'all up against one another from the get go in order to protect him and his vile, evil filthiness.

I urge you to continue working on this in therapy, and I hope your sister and anyone else who's been a victim of this despicable excuse of a human being also has a good therapist to help them too.

Y'all may be at totally different places in your healing and recovery processes, but the main thing is to continue working on the process as painful and difficult as it is.

My goes out to all of you!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Numbed]

I had to skip most of what you typed, I'm cripplingly sensitive to the pain of others. Which added to going the counter-dependent route growing up all alone to protect myself, and betrayed all along the way there to, my anger only grew, and it got to the point where I wanted to kill anyone who caused harm to any one, especially children. So I apologise that I didn't read the entirety of your post.

I was emotionally abused for 15 years, and only now at 28, I realise just how bad, and I'm beginning to deal with it. I have not been through what you have, the closest being reading obssessively about sexual abuse, when I thought someone who meant everything to me, had been through such. The stories, the affects, eveything I read, whilst not sleeping, having my Psych trigger my childhood repeatedly over and over and problems with my ADHD medication, I probably should speak to a therapist about the impact it has had on me.

Because of my childhood, I have always second guess+ everything in my affect on others, and the pain I experienced of what others go through, whether putting my in their place through systematic schematics being build of the World that they grew up and live in, or through something beyond empathy, the pain, it's has been unbearable, and I always have perceived myself as such a tough guy. So with that said, I can say, I know what you're going through. My younger Sister has attacked our younger Brother, because of our mother, which those two were the ones that provoked, tormented, and eventually shattered me.

My Brother only the other day opened up to me about things going on for him, I was glad I could be there for him, and I said, we need to do this with our Sister. He said he didn't want to, because of how She would react/behave towards him. I told him, I wouldn't let her. What he said made me realise, that I had come a long way. I was incredibly destructive as a child (scary bad), and he had to watch a lot of that, but he was able to open up to me, I knew then, he would be ok.

Relationships with siblings is always difficult to start, but when abuse enters the picture, and it's "time to pick sides"... I know what it is like to have your family go behind your back, talking about you, feel like they are all, or might go against you, listening to them go through their own pain though (daily day to day stuff), I know how it feels when your pain, seems to come second to theirs, I know what it's like to have my youngest sibling start to lose faith in me, because of how my Mother and Sister acted towards me, but I also know what it's like to have to be the strong one. You don't seem too different I mean, having outlashed at everyone in proximity, but understand, and accept why, knowing that's not you, is an important thing. Not playing games or whatever to seek vengeance. Not many people ever reach that stage in life. I'm talking about everyone now, not just those of us who have had to survive through the first quarter of our lives.

So take strength, in that.
My Sister acts the way to our younger Brother the way She did to me, while we were growing up, I don't like it, and I call her on it when She is down visiting and kicks off, and part of me does think, She isn't a child, She's in her mid 20s, why does She still behave like this? Was She the unloyal sibling in the family after all? I let that thought pass though, She is my blood, and no matter how much additional pain and problems She added (resulting in me fulfilling the role, that everyone was pointing the finger at me saying so), She's a human being, She has been through some tough times too, and it will be painful for me to say goodbye to her, I will let her know it's not her fault though, when I leave town, out of contact for good. It's not that I don't forgive her, I have just decided to move on, and refuse to take my past baggage with me into my future and have it affect my life and relationship with my GF.

You don't seem like, well me, in that, i'm probably over aggressive with things that need to be said, and done, and complete "radio silence" might not be for you, but nonetheless, I think creating that barrier, gives themselves time to process things.

I agree with a previous poster, having him thrown in jail/worse. This way, gives those a chance who are still there a chance to heal. Maybe even you could go back and visit, for further closure, now that you are older, wiser, more mature, and nudge them in the right direction. And also put your past behind you. (I mean, there still sounds like some relationships, you have to get closure on).

Wait, did you say She was your older Sister? Perhaps She feels guilty for what happened to you, and this is the only way, She knows or can, open up communications with you.
If you yourself want to talk with her, I think you need to tell her, that if She does, that is the wrong way to go about it, and that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour, "if you want to speak to me, speak to me" but under your rules, kind of thing. (again, that's if you want to)


Sorry if i'm way off the point of your post, I did try to go back and read some more. I would of ended posting something a tad bannable though. :/

Thank you for sharing all that. I hope I can be as strong as you are now, when I start speaking to someone about my abuse.

[FacingMyPast]

Numbed,

Thank you for your response and from Frog also...

I have noticed through my ram pings which is pretty much what I have done this thread I have come in and vented and might not have made much sense that a lot of the logistics of it don't make sense which is fine lol it's an awful lot to take in...

Run down...

I have an older sister she's 33 she was abused for a short span by our step farther she can't place it but between months to maybe a year (which he has confirmed to me neither has an exact time frame)

I'm 29 I was abused by him for 10 years.

My little sister who is actually my half sister but we don't use titles like that she's 19 and is his child but she was never abused. And she has 2 younger silbligs from him with 2 other woman.

The person I am angry at is my eldest sister she's the one who in hind sight spilled the beans and it was her right to do so about herself but she didn't have the right to do so about me. I didn't give her permission to do so, if she had asked maybe I'd have come forward but she told my the police everything she knew, ok that's fine I'll deal.... But she told my mother EVERYTHING she knew in detail and that was not ok with me she had no right if I wanted to tell my mum anything at all I should have been the one too do so not her... Now my elder sister I love her to death I'd die for her I'd kill for her but that doesn't mean I have to like her as a person but like you said she's blood and I'm not the only one who thinks this way about her unfortunately she's a very selfish person which I won't go into cause it will take all day.... I'll leave it as I personally wonder how we share the same parents cause we are complete opposites and my mother of all people has used the word evil in reference to some of the stuff she has done over her life span.
And seeing as she didn't know about my abuse until a few years ago she can't use the guilt card on her spiteful nature towards me.

My younger sister I raised pretty much my stepdad left that's when we were sent over to his house on the weekends and stuff got really bad in my eyes anyway, I protracted her she has always been my number one priority up until I had my own child. But since this all began she's grown quite mean because this is her farther and she's the one that sent me the mass of nasty texts the other day that I freaked out on that's why I felt so bad because I have never freaked on her like that.

I look at my life and I think WTF how can I explain this to one person it's not possible so you all get like notes on it I guess...

As for cutting ties... Even with the discord in my family (by that I mean just my household) we are close we love our mum very much she's our world and we love each other my elder sister hates everyone, my little sister hates my elder sister but loves me BUT we once again would toss ourselves into traffic for each other that's not the problem...

I have run away from my past Numbed I started by going to Uni to become a Pharmacist and went extreme and moved to America with my ex husband and finished my PharmD here and my residency here and I always say this I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING IN MY PAST BECAUSE I LOOK AT MY CHILD AND I KNOW I DID SOMETHING RIGHT..... if what had happened didn't I'd not be here I'd not have her or my husband... This is why I can say I don't want vengeance because I can look in my girls blue eyes and say she's perfect...
Before I had her I was in my own personal hell... I still cut myself now yes not as bad as back then I was covered from head to foot and my husband couldn't stop me it wasn't till I got pregnant I had any sense of purpose she saved my life...

My family both back home and my husband and child are what I live for ... I may not like certain people or their choices or their comments to me... My PTSD doesn't help one small thing sets me off and my rage burns like the sun and I immediately lash out but now I have this place I wouldn't care if anyone even read what I was typing as long as I got it out so others don't suffer on my behalf... Make sense?????

I read your story and it broke my heart because even after all of this I know what I have after it and for you too have to give up your Sister to move on is sad to be honest i thought about doing it to my elder sister when I read it and I cried so I know your choice isn't an easy one to make BUT I understand why your doing it trust me... I believe if I were a stronger person I'd be able to move past my anger with her but righ now with what she has done I am allowed to be angry at her And I think a lot of you misconstrue that as I am not angry with him that I'm only angry at her , of course I am angry with him her robbed me of my virginity my childhood my life for 10years and continues to do so every day i wake up in the morning or sleep at night and dream the difference is I have spent years on that anger I have learned to control it and deal in my own messed up way with it.... But this thing with her is new it's fresh and I feel betrayed I didn't tell her my story for her to go behind my back and tell my mum 'the man you brought into our lives took your daughters virginity did you know that' those were exact words when my mum wouldn't believe her... She got nasty about it!! And in her path of vengeance and revenge (her words not mine which she's entitled too her) she has managed to hurt everyone around her MORE than needed because instead of being Discrete about it she had to go into mass detail..........

For example of how she just has to have things the way she wants them no matter anyone else's feelings or wishes... I went home in England June '13 for my grandmas funeral the family wasn't informed because of my grandmas health and my mum was worried it would basically kill her I agreed no one else in the family needed to know EVER!!!! Unless it went to court and then it would be discussed how we would go about it. My elder sister didn't like that one bit she wanted everyone to know because she wanted everyone to share in her pain. Mum begged her to not say anything for grandmas sake and finally got her to agree to it and that no one would be told UNLESS it went to court.
So Grandmas funeral we go to a local pub for the wake (you know like any normal English person does lol) and I'm inside and I start hearing people break out into some yelling I get up with my younger sister and go outside and my entire family surrounding my mum and eldest sister because she felt that it was a good idea that right then and there because our whole family is I'm one place..... My mum was so mad she yelled at my sister and then everyone started yelling at each other and crying and then they see me and it was like being run over by a train because she told them the same thing she told my mum just in a more polite manner..... But then she got mad at me because everyone was too busy giving me pity and trying to console me that she actually got drunk called me every name under the sun and went to punch me and fell flat on her butt.... Now tell me why would she need to do that???? Why???? Cause I don't get it and once again added fuel to the fire and makes me angry just thinking about that.. At my grandmas funeral.... Why???????

So yes I'm mad at her but I am allowed to be mad at her...

And I realize it seems like I'm yelling right now but I'm not I swear I'm venting and explaining myself because I think a lot of people who have read this think I am Miss diverting my anger to the wrong person when I am plenty angry with both and I am more angry of him of course and in time I'll forgive her and we will go back to our normal interactions but for right now I don't want to talk to her out of fear of saying something I'll regret.

I am a quiet person I am overly nice... I apologize over everything even when it's not my fault that's the kind of person I am... I am a doormat... So I can't tell her how angry I am at her cause the second she makes me feel guilty for how I feel I will crawl back into my shell and I don't think I'm coming back out this time if I do....

So unfortunately you all get to hear my rants and anger and I'm sorry for that.