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Last night I dreamed of my ex (one of my abusers, and the only one I refuse to see ever again). The dream was about seeing him again, running in to him and stuff. When I woke up my fiancé was really turned on from his own dream and wanted to have sex but I just curled up in a ball and went back to sleep, but since I haven't been able to stop thinking about that dream, and my ex, and the stuff he did to me (lots of it involved sex).

I cut this morning for the first time in about two weeks. I keep mentally drifting off into that space in my head where all my abuse is kept and trying to stay there even though I'm trying to distract myself.

We're going to my fiancé's house to meet up with friends in a bit - but the friends we're meeting up with include another ex of mine and things are really tense between all of us right now.

I keep wanting to just go to bed and live in a fantasy land of abuse and torture where I can feel safe. I don't know what to do, and I think my fiancé thinks it's his fault - which it isn't. He's worried about me, I'm worried about me, and I don't know how to keep safe right now.

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We didn't end up going out to see friends, but they're coming over tomorrow. I feel like I just want to get high and spend the rest of the day in the tub.