[NemOthEgReaT]

I'm going into care because my dad and his ex wife emotionally abused me for twelve years even though he loves me and cares he just doesn't mean to but he cant help it, its because his parents didn't love him or care so he cant show that he's loving he just controls me and makes me feel like s*** and is generally quite cruel and manipulative towards e and everyone else really. Before I went into an adolescent unit, I lived with my mum and she has mental health problems which she denies and gets defensive about. I'm always scared because I don't want to upset her incase she gets really angry and shouts that she hates me and then kicks me out like she has done several times before. She says that this is unreasonable of me because its not like it happens every week, but still, im scared because when that does happen, its really hard to deal with.

So I feel like its my fault and I should just put up with it to make them happy but its really affectin gmy mental health since I was very young and I feel alone with it all. Any advice?

[bird_lover]

I'm in the same boat. I am moving out soon and have been told by others on here to cut all ties. However I don't know your situation. ....i can't really tell you what to do. Are you an adult? You ought to see a therapist or get help to stay away from that place. Your safety matters most. Perhaps a shelter or a friend's house to stay at? Please be careful. .....abuse can easily get out of control. ......

[bird_lover]

It's not your fault and do not feel alone! !!-'

[Soulsisters]

It is NOT YOUR FAULT!

You must be a very kind person who only wants to please others, am I right?

And they told you that you were stupid for so long that you began to believe it. Did you feel like if you only tried harder it would stop? That some how you could fix it. You alone could make everyone happy?

You can't fix abusers. It doesn't work. You did not fail in this task.

The hardest part is that you care so much that you can't see them as all bad.

The longer you can stay away from the situation the more clear things will become for you. Do everything you can to get strong, healthy, and centered. Read about emotional and verbal abuse.

I will pray for you. And you are not crazy!!

[NemOthEgReaT]

thanks everyone who replied <3

bird_lover- thanks, I'm not an adult, I'm 15, and I don't live at home at the moment because I'm inpatient in an adolescent unit because of how the abuse affected me. I don't want to completely cut all ties, because my dad is slowly changing since my step mum left and I want to give him a chance even if it is a stupid idea. I hope you find something that works for you, I know its really not a good place to be at.

soulsisters- thank you for being so kind xxx that is exactly what I thought, that if I stopped being so useless at everything like they said I was, it would all get better and I would stop damaging the family. I know that I will never be able to stop my mum from being like that, at least not until she decides to get help for her mental health. And I wont even try with my step mum but like I said before, I will stay in contact with dad to see if he can change.

anyway, just both of you, thanks for the support xxxxx

[Harley47]

Bless your heart...no, none of this is your fault. It sounds like, to me, that your parents both have some things they need to sort out. But it's not your fault, nor should it be your burden to shoulder. You're their child...they should be caring for you, not the other way around.

I admire your compassion, but you can't be the glue that keeps their lives together. It is your job to be happy for you, not for them. For them to treat you this way is entirely unacceptable...you owe them nothing.

I wish I could offer more advice, but that is, for the time being, all I have. Please though, know you are in my prayers, and that I hope things work out for the best for you.

Many hugs,
Harley

[chelsea89]

Nemo, my parents were absolutely self-absorbed most of my life. I learned early on that my needs didn't matter, and that any suffering I went through would be used against me in my mom's sick twisted games of "getting me the help you need". I denied myself the natural born right of all human beings, to defend myself and feel worthwhile, to make them happy and proud of me. I wanted them to love me and to care, and everytime I failed it made me think, "what's wrong with me!".
Later on I learned that it had nothing to do with me and who I was or how I acted. Nothing was inherently wrong with me, it was them. As a parent myself now, I know that my actions and reactions to my children are completely in my control and not dependent upon if my 6 year old listens when I tell him to clean his room, or if my two year old smears poop all over the walls, because children don't have the ability to think ahead to cause and effect. Children, by definition, are immature, impulsive, and less tolerant of stress than adults who have adapted and learned to cope with life. You are the child, they are the parents! I don't care if you stole a car and totaled it, your parents should never call you a failure or tell you that they hate you, or that your actions directly resulted in their anger and scorn. If my children were to tell me they had done something devastatingly heinous, I would first express my disappointment in their CHOICES, and secondly reassure them that they are loved for who they are as a PERSON.
As a mother of 3 children, I'm here to tell you it's not your fault, and you are an amazingly compassionate human being. Be proud of yourself, that you are far from the emotionally calloused parents who dared to make you feel anything less than loved, secure, and worth every second of their day.

[nicoleflynn]

We all CHOOSE our behavior and knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and OTHERS' stuff is a big key here. Other people's behavior....NOT your fault.People who are abused as children have a choice when they become parents, they can continue the abusive cycle or stop it. I stopped it. I would like to recommend a book which saved my life: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.....it will give you great insight. Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is another excellent resource. If you educate yourself it will help a great deal. Hugs and Love, Nicole

[SoupDragon]

l understand the confusion of wanting something from parents that they don't (can't) give, self blame, guilt and compassion towards those same parents. It is not your fault, but through therapy l am also starting to realise that blame is not the answer either.

l waited a long time to explore these things (I'm 30+ years older than you) and the pain l feIt is still very raw. l hope you can get the support of a good T to work through these things now.

Whatever your feelings towards your parents, try to define the boundaries between what is their "stuff" and what is yours (we all carry those suitcases full of it around with us) and also remember you are not responsible for anyone other than yourself.

Good luck. Soup