[Fuji]

Hi,

I haven't posted before, I guess i never thought it would come to this but it has.

My life has crumbled. Im 31 now. I was raped by a family friend when i was 15, he was 38. I thought it was my fault, he said my father would kill me, he said his wife would kill me and i was a slut. I believed him, it continued for 7 years. I isolated myself in terror. I starved myself, I stuffed myself with food and I worried night and day that I would be found out. I went to uni from home and was miserable, i couldn't relate to boys, i was afraid of women and i was unsocial. When i finished i emigrated, mostly because I couldn't be here, i couldn't live in fear any longer. After 4 years away i came home, i was homesick. I have been terrified of meeting him. I have hardly worked, i cut off all my friends and tried to become someone else. Finally i had a breakdown, one year ago. Through therapy i slowly began to tell what I was afraid of and some of what happened. I found the strength to report it to the police, he was arrested and released. My life improved a little but I'm still living in fear here. I feel like every corner has a trigger, an uphill step. Im not sure i can handle any more triggers, i don't want to handle anymore triggers. Ive been dating someone supportive but really wrong for me, selfishly I've stayed in the relationship to avoid being completely alone. Ive been thinking about suicide for the past month now and can't get it out of my head. There has to be an easier place in the world for me to exist. I don't want to kill myself, I still have moments of joy with my dog or outside in the light. Im sorry for rambling, and for being so negative. Has anyone been through this? Is it an impossible task to expect myself to live here with all the triggers. Im immobilized and need advice.

God bless

[kipper-bang]

I understand just what you are going through. It happened to me when I was 9yrs old. I was 36yrs before I really spoke about it and found my younger sister had also been his victim. It answered a lot of questions for us both and together we told our mum. We were adults now and responsible for ourselves, so we both worked on those triggers you mention. We worked by ourselves, each other and with our own therapists.

If there is no one you can trust to open up to then you need a therapist. If you cannot afford one, then churches offer Counselling for free or a small donation.

I wish you all the best and you are not alone. But you do need to talk. x