[transient]

There are guides out there for how to get out of an abusive relationship, where to go if you have kids, if you don't have money, etc.
I have yet to see a guide for children of abusive families and how to become independent.

• There's no doubt in my mind that I experienced emotional/psychological abuse, and health related neglect by my father. When I'm hurt he trivializes it and says there's nothing he can do to help me, which is why I think it's a little neglectful? I'm not sure though. There was one incident that I kind of consider to be csa by him. 9 years ago when he got thyroid cancer and had it removed, he had to be put on hormones which basically stopped some of his angry abusive behaviors, but he still continues with less fervor.
• My mom's never abused me, but she can be weird when she's drunk, and sometimes emotionally absent. (I once told her I felt suicidal and she said something like 'I cant deal with this, I'm drinking and trying to enjoy myself').
• My sister has been violent to me in the past, way out of the range of 'sibling rivalry'. She once had me in a corner with a screwdriver in my face over a cd that I didn't have, and the only punishment she got was to apologize.
• I've endured csa, inc*st, and r*pe by people I can count on one hand, but too many times to count. I'm easily triggered by even mere mentions of the word, the name of people, any resemblance of the people such as a hairstyle, etc.

In a way, I feel like what I went through, and continue to go through, is nowhere near as bad as what others go through. I also know that what I went through is something no human should ever have to, so I'm conflicted and sometimes don't feel like I was abused at all, if that makes sense.

I have 3 mental illnesses and undiagnosed social anxiety, most of which are very crippling at times. Basically my psyche has been shattered to pieces over and over. I hold a lot of anger over my past and I've been trying to accept it and deal with it lately, but my family dynamics haven't changed much.

I don't have a job and I've applied to 2 jobs in my entire life. I'm scared to get a job for anxiety reasons and being afraid of people, especially men. If you can find my thread in the career/ school sub-forum, it's explained more there. I can't drive, either, and I'm terrified to because of dissociation/ anxiety/ schizoaffective symptoms I have. I am also terrified of riding the public bus system, but would like to learn.

I'm plagued with unending thoughts about how to get out of here, if I truly want to get out of here, where would I go (I've moved many times, this last move was in '08 and I HATE where I am, so I'd probably want to live out of this state/ the southwest in general) what I can do to take care of myself, if I will make friends, etc. I know I don't want to room with someone I don't know. A part of me doesn't want to leave, because I'm being financially supported right now and being homeless/ too poor to eat is one of my fears.

My mom is the main reason/excuse? I want to stay because I trust her the most and she's the most supportive person I have in my life right now.
My support system is very small, the only 2 friends I have are over the internet (the acquaintances i made here never got past that stage), and I can't stay with any extended family (they are all as messed up as mine).

I know I need to get better before I can be independent, but it's hard to get better in an environment like this. Part of me thinks it doesn't matter if I'm better, I need to just take a huge risk and take the steps needed to leave immediately.
I constantly worry about my family's financial situation and have seen how it can effect you firsthand, so it's important for me to have at least 5-10k saved up before I move out in case of emergencies.

I'm not in immediate danger, as I haven't been physically hurt since 2012. I don't want to go to a shelter, especially around here bc the women are targeted for crime and sex trafficking.
I'm taking a break from seeing my therapist, so please don't suggest me to go see one. Things to bring up with her the next time I go would be helpful, though.

I just... really need advice. I can't pull myself up by the bootstraps as self-help strategies don't stick in my memory. I have a lot of excuses and even more legit reasons as to why I'm still here.
If anyone's had to deal with something like this, I would love to hear how you overcame it. I don't know what to do and I've been stuck in this stage since I got my GED in 2011. I'm 19, btw.

[Switch]

(((safe hugs)))) I'm sorry to hear what you're going through transient, and I regret to say there's not that much help I can offer on the family side of this. My family has been supportive of me and have never been the ones to hurt me.

Regardless, I can speak to the anxiety. I have social phobia as well, and I understand how terrifying it is. I wouldn't leave my house, not even to do groceries, for about a year to a year and a half. Being afraid of people - what they think of you, how they see you, THAT they see you - is quite damaging and seriously cripples a persons life. I wasn't able to make phone calls, not even to my mom or best friend, without serious anxiety.

I got really fed up with it though. I got fed up with myself and with my life and not being able to go anywhere or do anything or have fun or a normal life. I really wanted to go back to school, and to have conversations with people about normal things, and maybe even travel. So I went to hospital and did an inpatient program. It helped - I met people who supported me and I got out of my house a bit more - but it didn't help as much as I wanted. It taught me CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which, while useful, focuses on things that happened after the fact. It analysed a situation and then you'd figure out a better way to approach it next time, and that just wasn't going to work for me. I needed something in the moment.

The next time I was in hospital I did DBT. DBT is a mix of therapies like CBT, but also eastern philosophies of mindfulness meditations and stuff. It was developed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but is used for all sorts of mental illnesses now. It's more reactive - dealing with issues in the now. It helped, but there was a lot of remembering acronyms and stuff. I'm not so good with that, and you said you weren't either.

But then I started doing exposure therapy as part of an outpatient thing. I was doing it one on one with the councillor, though its usually done in groups. This was the most useful thing I ever did. It's terrifying. The most terrifying thing in my life, because it was FACING ALL OF MY FEARS. And not just facing it, but facing it every day. Forcing myself too.

There's a strategy to it though. It's not blighting off more than you can chew. So you work your way up, starting with small thing that make you anxious but not the worst thing, and work your way up. Do you know the 1-10 anxiety scale? You start at 4 or 5. And you work your way up every week until, 10 or 12 weeks later, your doing the things you never thought you could do. The things that would have broken you at the start.

You're never going to get out of there until you face your anxiety and overcome it, and unfortunately the only way to do that is the hard way. So, I wish you luck. If you're feel overwhelmed go to hospital, it's a good place to start when you're at rock bottom and want to get further than you ever dreamed of. And try to get into exposure therapy, focusing on your social phobia, so that you can gain the confidence to leave the house on your own and build a life on your own. Because you're never going to get away from your family until you can take care of yourself, and you're not going to be able to take care of yourself until you overcome your fears.

Good luck. Sorry if this was long. Feel free to PM me. And seriously, I'm sorry for the position your in.

[A Red Panda]

It can be really hard to get used to things when everything is scary. But it's totally possible, and it's also possible to do that on your own, without any help or teaching!

I say that, because I did that. I view simple things like calling to make appointments, going to hair appointments, and taking a taxi as huge accomplishments for me throughout my life.

I'd stay put for now, if it's got you near your support system and if you can survive financially. It would be really hard to move away and drop yourself into EVERYTHING all at once.

Like, you've said you're scared of taking the bus? That sounds like a fear that you can face with relatively little consequence. Pick out a bus stop that's near where you live. Figure out where it goes - is there a mall or something along that bus line? Make yourself take that bus line at some point, pick non-rush hour times so that there will be less people on the bus. Get off the bus at the mall-type-place, muck about there for a bit, even if it's only long enough for the next bus to show up. Then take it home. Try taking the same bus at the same time for a while, and you'll find yourself getting less anxiety over it. Make sure it's a route that doesn't have any transfers needed. If the bus has the sort of flashing sign that lets you know which stop is next, great. If not, try asking the bus driver to let you know when it's X-stop if you're more nervous about missing the stop than talking to the driver. They're used to it. Take a book with you even if it's just to pretend to read. When you get more comfortable with where the stop is, try actually reading (it's great for tuning out other passengers... although you have to learn how to be aware of what stops you're at!). Then, once you find that taking that bus doesn't bother you.. see what it's like to take a different route to somewhere else. It'll cause you a lot of anxiety for a while, but you'll never ever get used to it if you don't force yourself.

I still get anxiety each time I take a new route, or a bus in a new city. I'm always worried that I'll miss my stop, or end up in the wrong direction! Fortunately, as I'm comfortable enough on public transit... the odd time that I HAVE done so, I've been able to get myself sorted out relatively easy (after a few moments of PANIC!!!!).

Just taking it one stop at a time and committing to putting yourself through some momentary hell... will eventually get you accustomed to it. It just takes picking one goal at a time and working towards that, then adding in a new goal or new level to the goal once you start to get comfortable.

[transient]

Thank you both so much, I will probably read your answers over again and reply later. It's a lot to take in (as I'm sure my first post was)
It means a lot to me that you both took the time to try to help me with this! <3

[A Red Panda]

Keep us posted on any experiments you try

[transient]

I'm actually having a hard time reading, so when I dedicate myself to reading your replies I'm going to take notes. Hopefully I don't lose the notes in my disorganized room :/
Maybe I can make a "survival" section in my binder and put them there.

I'm debating on going inpatient or not, because I'm not sure if it would greatly hinder my progress I make in the hospital to come back to this environment. Also I'm terrified of being medicated. I had a terrible experience the first time I went to a childrens psych ward where I could have died from over medication and side effects. Is it possible to go inpatient but not be medicated at all?
It's extremely difficult to deal with this abusive household while trying and failing to deal with schizoaffective and ptsd. At this very moment I'm afraid of leaving the house, and my room even because I had an almost altercation with my sister yesterday and haven't wanted to see her since.

Anyone else ever feel like they want to give up and just stay put? I get it so much, I'm very ambivalent about leaving and I'm still very stuck.
Yesterday I called to make an appointment with the person who did my IQ and psych testing, which was a small victory, but they had me on hold and forgot about me after 30 mins so I hung up.

[marmaduke]

I've often thought about this, there are battered wives shelters but there should battered/emotionally abused children/young adults shelters too. So many years I wanted to get away from my parents, but where to go? I wanted somewhere to run to, somewhere for shelter, understanding and support that would give me a chance to think straight and get my life together.
But I had nowhere to go.

[transient]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

I've often thought about this, there are battered wives shelters but there should battered/emotionally abused children/young adults shelters too. So many years I wanted to get away from my parents, but where to go? I wanted somewhere to run to, somewhere for shelter, understanding and support that would give me a chance to think straight and get my life together.
But I had nowhere to go.

I have no knowledge of this, but I'm guessing it's due to legal reasons. Like maybe you can't legally let underage people stay because it could cause issues with the parents? I know there are places like the YMCA but I don't know if kids can actually sleep there until they get things figured out.
There are probably some churches you can go to for safety as well, but I'm only guessing because I don't go anymore.
I'd like to be able to help young people in my position when I'm older and can take care of myself and others, I think it would be a great joy.

How are you now, assuming you're away from them?