[neutrino]

I've never told anyone about this so this is quite a big deal for me. If this isn't the right forum for a post like this or if my question is stupid then I'm very sorry and I then hope the mods delete this. I'm just confused about the whole situation I will be telling you about and I guess it could be triggering to some of you, so please don't read this if you feel like you shouldn't.

When I was 18 I had this boyfriend (we were only together for five months or so) who really wanted to have sex with me. I had never had sex before and I really wasn't ready for it. I was already depressed and anxious around that time and I told him I wasn't ready. He said that was ok but it really wasn't. He kept on nagging me about it. Over and over and over again. One night he was particularly annoying and he was really pressuring me so I finally said "okay" just to make him shut the hell up, even though everything inside me screamed that I didn't want to do it. I was scared and I hated myself for it but I said it was ok so that he would stop nagging me.

That situation sort of triggered an intrusive thought about becoming pregnant so my anxiety skyrocketed that time and all the other times that we had sex (the other times I also said ok but most of the time I really didn't want to) and I started to carry out compulsions to make the anxiety go away. I had OCD tendencies before then but I think the whole sex situation made it all worse.

I think about that night quite often and I wonder whether or not he did something wrong. Or perhaps I did something wrong? I mean, I said "okay" so maybe it was okay. Then why did/does it feel so ... not ok? Hoping you can help me figure it out. Again, sorry if this out of line or something.

[HazelGirl]

Was it technically rape by legal definitions? I don't think so. Was it abusive and traumatic? Definitely. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Do you have access to a therapist who can help you through this?

[unaluna]

You said in another thread that you were getting tired of having to advocate for yourself with your t. I agree that it is really hard to do when you have not had someone advocating for you when you really needed it, like when you were younger, and certainly in the situation you describe here.

But i am from a generation where expectations were different, and women decided what they wanted to do, and i had an older sister-in-law to guide me or lead me astray, depending on who was in charge of my decisions at the moment. It wasnt always me, unfortunately - i would give her my power when coerced.

Im glad youre finally talking about it. I think it relates to the difficulties youre having right now, with your t, with feeling pressured to participate in the corridor party, and probably somehow to your not feeling sure of your knowledge in tests - its like no one is standing behind you there, either.

Thats the main thing my t does now, is say, youre smart - what held you back from figuring that out? Rather than the parental version - you couldnt figure that out, that proves youre dumb.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Was it technically rape by legal definitions? I don't think so. Was it abusive and traumatic? Definitely. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Do you have access to a therapist who can help you through this?

I do have a therapist but I don't know if I can/want to talk to him about it.

Originally Posted by hankster

You said in another thread that you were getting tired of having to advocate for yourself with your t. I agree that it is really hard to do when you have not had someone advocating for you when you really needed it, like when you were younger, and certainly in the situation you describe here.

It's so much more than "just" the situation I described here. I had to go through four years of being bullied, an eating disorder and mental illness without anyone noticing (my social issues and the fact that I was different started way before I got bullied etc, and it's probably the main reason I got bullied in the first place). I've always had to handle everything on my own. And sure, perhaps that's my fault since I've had problems with communicating thoughts and feelings since I was born (seriously). I just wish that someone would've noticed.

Originally Posted by hankster

Im glad youre finally talking about it. I think it relates to the difficulties youre having right now, with your t, with feeling pressured to participate in the corridor party, and probably somehow to your not feeling sure of your knowledge in tests - its like no one is standing behind you there, either.

I don't know how much it affects me now. I don't feel bad about those particular things too often though I feel awful about a lot of things. I guess all those things have affected me on some level though. Even now (the past four years or so), when my mental illnesses have become even worse, I've had to go through it alone. Tired.

[HazelGirl]

You need a new therapist then. You have to have one you can trust with this stuff.

[nicoleflynn]

Hankster: That "dumb" comment was unecssary, judgemental and hurtful.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Hankster: That "dumb" comment was unecssary, judgemental and hurtful.

I think Hankster was referring to comments that she believed when she was younger that she has had to replace. I don't believe it was directed at the poster.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Hankster: That "dumb" comment was unecssary, judgemental and hurtful.

Im sorry my post upset you. Ill try to make my meaning clearer next time. And or add a trigger icon.