Guilt over not feeling guilt or shame

New to the forum and probably haven't read enough posts. I'm not finding people who view their abuse the way I view mine. I'm and educated person and have a very comfortable life. I remember everything or nearly so i guess that happened in my childhood. Here is the thing though, nothing that happened was painful, forced, felt threatening, was stressful, I mean none of it. The sexual attention started when i was so young. Bathing at 4 years old is my first recollection. We had a water well for domestic water and a small water heater compared to today's standards so we bathed together. I was the only boy with four sisters that ranged from 1-1/2 years older to 10 years older, with a little sister 6 years younger than me. We lived in a tiny three bedroom house in the country. My sister nearest to my age and I shared a bedroom. The two middle sisters shared a bedroom and the little sister's bed was in mom and dad's room. My Father was the classic definition of a pedophile and I do not condone what he did. It is totally unacceptable in every aspect. But it wasn't traumatic. He groomed, guided, all of the things I've heard spoken of. I underwent therapy for this when I was in my twenties. Not because of some self hate, or traumatic memories. My problem is that I don't feel any of that. It was pleasurable and naughty but not traumatic. My therapist said it was natural to respond to sexual pleasure at very young ages. He also allowed that it was not required or necessary to hate the ones associated with that time in my life. All of my siblings grew to be successful professionals in various fields. We respectfully buried both parents so both the pedophile and the enabler are gone. My family was as normal as any other outside of all of the sex in our family. Are there others dealing feeling shame or guilt for not feeling shame and guilt?

Hello smartyjoe,

Why is the fact that you feel no guilt or shame such a bother to you now? Do any particular reasons pop into your mind? Is it because you're reading other people's experiences with abuse? Or, has this feeling been disturbing you before you began looking online?

I would imagine that many people who have come to terms of acceptance may not even be coming to PC, or other support sites. I'm sure that PC is not study accurate for how everyone feels after abuse, as not all areas are being represented.

Is it possible that the guilt that you're feeling is more linked to experiencing some physical pleasure with the abuse? While your T assured you that this is a common occurrence (which often causes the abused to Q and blame themselves), that assurance often doesn't help us feel any better with ourselves. Certainly not in my case. I am struggling to surpass these deep, dark feelings that I have inside, despite the logic that I've learned over the years. It isn't easy at all!

That's my perspective. Btw, welcome to Psych Central!

I could have written this text... I've never been physically forced to csa but I guess for years I was ignoring this problem so that I could have focused on education/work... But if it was not a big deal why are we here? In my case I guess that I am okay with the fact that at the beginin I liked it but why didn't I tell anyone for so many years?

Just wanted to say that you are not alone in your feelings...

I am surprised you don't feel anger at the abusers. Perhaps it is in there somewhere? I was molested and would confront the abuser, but he is dead. It happened 50 years ago, but it is something that is a part of your life. Why would you feel guilt or shame? You didn't do anything. The guilt and shame belong to those who abused you and stole your childhood.

I can relate to this idea is some sense, I don't hat my abuser, I try to look at is at kids stuff just going alil too far since he was a few years old then myself, you feeling towards it could change but I recommend not forcing yourself to do anything without the guidance of a T.

Thanks for the reply. Glad to know I'm not alone in those feelings.

Yea that's the thing. I did not hate them. They are dead and gone now but I never hated them. Like you said kid's doing adult stuff not discouraged, in fact very encouraged. But never forced or threatening. And I don't feel like childhood stolen. Involved in every normal kid activity. Sheltered life of a baptist preacher's kid. Sisters are the same. We just never talked about it back then. It just was as natural to us as any other activity. Even after we were older and knew that we should not be having sex and certainly it was not to be discussed we continued. Mother took the sister I shared a room with to the Dr. as soon as she had her period and got her on birth control pills. We knew this wasn't to be discussed. We never discussed then. Mother told her it was to regulate her period. Know now of course that it was to keep the preachers daughter from getting pregnant at 11. All the sisters were put on BC as soon as they got their first period. Never thought about why back then, but I was only 10 when my room mate sister got on BC so I was a little young to understand that part.

To answer this more completely I guess requires more of the story. It's the part where the feelings get blurry. I feel like it would be devastating for the world to find out after all of these years. But even more so, how can anyone reconcile that sister and I view that it was consensual as much as it can be at that age. We haven't had sex as adults. That ended years ago in our teens. But its almost like when we have discussed it as adults the conversations were more like Hey...Do you remember the time when this or that happened and then we laugh about how crazy the story is. We've googled stuff like how did it fit? She was in kindergarten when it started. We've researched if we are the only ones who view what happened the way we do. It's not natural to remember the first time you had sex and it was when you were six and it was with your sister who was eight. But we can either one recount that story like it was yesterday. We don't often, but it inevitably happens every couple of years. That story or another one usually triggered by something. We can recount details like it happened yesterday. We laugh that we can't remember where mom or dad was. Can't remember being concerned about getting caught, or anything like that. I mean we slept in the same bed so it wasn't like opportunity wasn't always there. We had sex nearly daily. Stories recanted are more so not about us having sex but me hiding and watching her and dad have sex when she knew I was there but he didn't, or like when she would tease the men in church while acting oblivious to it while knowing I knew and was watching what she was doing. Us cutting the crotch out of her panties that she wore to church. Laughing about how short the dresses were back then. Even Sunday dresses. It's like we shouldn't be laughing about it. Like we should feel ashamed about it but laugh and joke about how bad we were being instead. It's crazy feeling because I feel like I am required to be disgusted or ashamed. But we laugh to tears about some of the crazy things we did and thank our lucky stars that we did not live in the age of phone cameras and video. So in answer to your question, yes it is all associated with the pleasure that the sex had and the thrill of how bad we were being.

Hey smartyjoe,

One thing I've learned that there is no set way to respond to it. Some feel anger, some feel depressed, some experience ptsd. It also depends on the other people who were around you.

Sorry, I am no expert, but one thing I sense from your responses is that you are your sisters have just chosen to bury it, look the other way and haven't really dealt with it. You've already been in therapy. While you may say that it was never related to your abuse, but can you be sure? Man may forget his/her abuse but it always finds way to surface.

You say that it hasn't affected you or your sisters because you all are successful in your careers. I don't think that's the right way to measure whether you were affected by it or not. There are tonnes of people successful, who were abused and took a long time to come in terms with their abuse.

Your laughing about those traumatic events of having sex with each other or laughing about your sister having sex with her father, may be an indication that you all are just trying to trivialize the pain by joking about it.

Your sister trying to tease men in church may be because she thinks only way a woman can get attention is sexually.

IMO you guys have become numb about it. It's also possible you guys are laughing about it now, coz you guys went numb about the trauma when it was happening.

I used to feel that "it wasn't a big deal" too, until I underwent painful therapy. I slowly realized how much I had lost. But more than the molestations, it was emotional abuse that completely damaged me.

I think instead of discussing it here, I think you guys should consult a therapist and let him/her decide if you guys haven't been affected by abuse.

Again, it's not necessary that you guys feel guilty or shame or depressed or traumatized over the the abuse - each person has his/her own way of dealing with it. But make sure that you guys are not living in denial of the pain and let a therapist determine that.

Good luck!!