[wounded1]

When I first met my husband "Mike" five years ago, he told me about a time when he was 21, he was drunk and wrestling around with his best friend "Bob". His hands ended up part way down Bob's pants, but nothing happened. He admitted to me that he wished something had, and had sexual thoughts about Bob afterward. Mike never had a homosexual experience, but says he has thought about it often. He says he's had fantasies about men, but it always involves a woman as well, a threesome. Since we've been together, he fantasizes about me in these scenarios. In the time we've been together, Mike has never had a close male friend. There was "Vince", a mutual friend we met through work (we hung out with him and his wife occasionally), but their relationship consisted mostly of golf and going out for a beer a couple of times. Mike admitted recently to having had sexual thoughts about Vince as well.

In the last few months, Mike has been getting close to another one of the male ("heterosexual") managers at work, "Dan". They text or talk on the phone almost every day, always business related, but usually involving some teasing. Last week I read a text from Dan, which sounded like he was fishing to see if my husband was interested in him. ( The reason I read my husband's text messages is that he had a three month long online, text and phone relationship with a woman in another state that ended seven months ago, and I'm still suspicious of him. Long story, centering around his depression, but Mike promised he would go see someone, and did - exactly five times. He isn't getting the help he needs. We haven't made it to marriage counselling yet either, but things have been OK.) Mike was quiet for a couple of days after reading the text, and I knew why. I told him I thought he was gay. He said he thought Dan was just joking around, but admitted the text threw him for a bit of a loop, he's had sexual thoughts about him as well. I told him last night, after reading a particularly witty exchange between the two of them, that he was treading in dangerous waters. I think if he lets himself get too close, he could find himself falling for Dan. He said I was being ridiculous, and I told him we don't choose who we fall in love with, it just happens. The only way to avoid it is to not get close.

Now let me say for the record, if my husband is gay, not much would change for me. I love him, we have two kids together, and make a great parenting team. I would just suggest a marriage where we stay together, but do our own thing. Truth is, I don't think he's gay at all, I think he was molested as a child. He vehemently denies it, but explains everything, his depression, his self loathing, his attitude towards his parents, his need for "quick fix" feel good things (like buying new trucks when we can't afford it), and this new "sexual identity crisis". He hasn't had any sort of relationship with his paternal grandfather since he was a teenager, and flat out hates him, so I can bet where it came from. (There are other indicators as well.)

My questions are these: Since we don't have a lot of money right now, I can't afford to send him to a good psychologist, and although I've directed him here, he's only visited once. How do I help him find the truth of who he is? Has any man out there survived through their own sexual identity crisis? Have any women had signifiant others who have? Where do I go from here?

Any input, thoughts, or suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and well received. Thanks for "listening" all!

wounded1

[wisewoman]

Hmm, this is interesting. My spouse of 22 years has been courted by several men and I have had to point it out to him. For hubby it's that he has had trouble identifying with "macho men" which is the expectation where we live. He is a gentle loving man who kisses and hugs and that is not a real man here. He even wears night shirts. So he has had shame about his own sexuality based on what the "real men" have done, do. Hubby is not homosexual. He is hubby. As for yours, it is hard for men to have close male friendships at times. The kind that a woman might find easier, hugging, crying, kissing, sleeping side bu side for solace and company. Culture makes a big difference.

I would just speak with him a lot about this and keep the dialogue open. Also, explain that if he really finds himself in a place where there could be intimacy with another male to protect himself and you as well. You deserve at least that.

[wounded1]

Thank you wisewoman, I will always keep talking, and listening, although he's not much of a talker. I believe he is a good man, and just wish I could take away his pain, no matter what it is.

Thank you again, your insight is helpful.

wounded1

[LMo]

Please respond to Wounded1's other post here