Abusive Mother

I am so sick and tired of crying, crying for the mother I wanted and never had, crying for a lost childhood (although it wasn't all entirely bad), crying in therapy each week, crying for putting my husband through turmoil and my kids, crying for being exhausted and unable to get on with my life.....................................limbo, stalemate, confusion, conflict (all these feelings constantly coming up). I am 40 my mother is 60 and a widow.....I want to cut all ties with her, I have had it, had enough but therapist says I can get through this and create healthy boundaries. BUT why do I have to do this!!!!!! I have a family to care for and an autistic son who needs me............I just can't see her anymore, the love has gone (what little I had of it anyway)........what's the point of it all.

I am also in turmoil because my neice is living with my mother because of abuse from her own mother (so unhealthy) and I know I can't rescue her - the cycle repeats!! I have a daughter the same age and believe I have broken that cycle, she is free. I am not free so its about time I was...........I am stopping all contact, its over, gone.........I need to take care of myself now.

If you can manage to break ties with your mom, I applaud you ... I need to do that and have not made it. But I did finally learn to set boundaries. Took me a looooooong time, though.

I don't know if we ever get over wishing we had "normal" parents ... I'm 41 and I still wish that. Congrats on not repeating the cycle.

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, just wanted you to know I understand.

Candy

I couldn't break all ties with mine either, although for a period of time I did limit my contact with her a great deal and it made it possible for me to learn how to set up boundaries....

I agree that we probably never stop yearning for that nurturing, loving mother we deserved to have.... its normal to want that.. we are only human....

Do what you need to do for your own emotional health... it is about you.. your healing...and don't feel guilty over your family....you didn't cause this.. you didn't ask for it.. want it or otherwise deserve it...I am sure they know that too...

I'll be thinking of you.Let us know how things go... Faith

Good for you for working in the right direction and recognizing and knowing what is and isn't healthy and Congratulations on taking care of your family! I hear you...it is very difficult to disconnect from our parents of origin, especially when that yearning comes in. If it's any solace, everyone has a mother yearning, it is how we are made up. It just gets crazy when we are from abusive homes and we still hang on to that yearning. Remember, your mother is only capable of so much and that is it! She may not have done too well, but not every female is suited to be a mother, like you. I wish you well in your quest to disconnect. One day you will find that it does not have the power and pull over you that it does today. You are loved!

Brookester

Babs,

Having an autistic child, is exhausting all by itself.

I think you could at least take a break from contact with your mother. A little Christmas gift to you.

I had an emotionally abusive mother growing up. She was entirely too intrusive and controlling when I was growing up. She is gone nine years now, and I still miss her.

Hugs,

EJ

(((babs92)))

I understand very well what you are going through. Do what you want about your ties to your mother, but let me tell you that it won't change your longing for the mothering you never had; they are separate issues. Your therapist is right and I hope you will stay with him/her for your own sake. Your crying is real heartbrokenness and it's also part of the grief process, so you are doing just what you need to be doing: mourning.

I am in my 50's and right there with you, longing for mothering. My mother is deceased and I distanced myself from her for many years. I thought I had conquered the longing by doing this, but it is still with me and it still hurts. I just recently began therapy and my therapist tells me the same thing about boundaries and that she will teach me how to provide nuturing for myself. I can't see it at this point, but am committed to hanging in there with her.

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I know it is exhausting. My warmest thoughts go out to you.

ECHOES

Thank you all so much for your understanding and kind words. The marriage therapist is amazing! She is helping me through anger management in sessions on my own about my mother's abuse. I had the first session tonight and I let ALOT out!! I didnt realise I had so much anger and despair inside of me. I am now totally exhausted but feel kind of released. Thanks again.

Your mother's and niece's relationship might not be abusive/the same as yours and your mother's was. I had a stepmother and she and I had huge problems and my stepcousin and her stepmother had huge problems but we did really well with each other's mothers. Go figure. It was a good reminder when I was working things through about my "evil" stepmother :-) that relationships are unique and relate only to the two people relating. I was able to listen to my cousin tell my elderly mother (deceased since 2001) how helpful she had been to her as a teenager when her own mother had been harsh and I remembered going to my aunt for help making a present for my mother, knowing she would help me and she did in exactly the same ways my stepmother helped my cousin.

Your whole relationship with your abusive mother colors/poisons other relationships is why you have to keep working with your mother. My therapist said things would get much better for me and easier to resolve when my stepmother died and it turned out to be true. But even before, when my stepmother got senile and would call on the phone and pick fights then get angry and hang up on me -- it was fascinating/helpful to me because she'd call back and not remember the previous conversation and would start it all over and I'd get a "second chance" to say the right thing! :-) It almost got to be fun, learning where her triggers were and boundaries, etc. I felt really good if I avoided the argument the second time or was able to be firm and explain myself to my satisfaction; it all helped me grow into a person I wanted to be. Cutting ties can be more comfortable I think but it doesn't really "help" the same way as struggling with a difficult problem (one's abusive mother) can be. Did your mother hit you when you were a child? Do you remember when that changed, when you got "big" enough and suddenly knew you weren't physically afraid of her anymore? That can happen emotionly/psychologically too and feels just as wonderful; realizing you are your own person and "free." It can't happen though if you don't do the work and get "there" where you can realize it. What's the Maryland lottery slogan? "You have to play to win!"