[iliketurtles97]

Hi. I grew up in a sexually/emotionally/physically abusive home for my first ten years. I was malnourished, ignored, and the whole spiel. I'm almost seventeen years old now, and I've grown to despise children who "have it good".
It's getting in the way a lot. When I visit my boyfriend's family, he has a lot of nieces and nephews and they have such a loving home. I can't stay for more than an hour because I get overwhelmed with emotions. How come these kids got it good, and I didn't? I'm almost an adult, and I'm upset with toddlers and young children because they aren't getting abused like I did. And I know it's awful. And I know I shouldn't think that way. Is this normal? I'm scared I'm going to be a terrible mother just like my own someday because of this.

[glitches]

I'm love my kid even more because of my childhood. I wouldn't ever want to see her go through what I did. I get overwhelmed by children too sometimes - at certain ages I just can't think about it. But it doesn't seem like you are mad AT those kids, it seems like you are mad that this is what you didn't get. Which is a whole different story - you aren't wishing they would get abused, you are grieving not having that yourself. At least, I do.

[ImNotHere]

Don't be scared to be a terrible mother. You have learned exactly what not to do while raising a kid by what you went through. A lot of abused kids grow up to be really good parents, but you do have to be careful and make sure you break the cycle of abuse completely. Which means controlling your anger, never hitting (don't want to lose control), taking good and loving care of your child (therapy, parenting classes, child psychology classes can be extremely helpful to learn how to parent). I plan on doing all of these things before I become a parent, I plan on preparing a ton and never going to hit my kid in anyway (i was hit so much) but I will never bring a child on to this earth until I am 100% sure I will break the cycle, which takes time.

I know how you feel about being jealous. I see kids who have it good and wonder why me? What was so wrong with me that I had to be abused? At the same time I am grateful some kids do not go through what I went through. And at other times I get angry because I still see kids get hit or hear about them being molested and it drives me crazy. Just know you are not alone in your feelings, and what you are feeling happens to a lot of abused people.

[misskrome]

Think of it this way: You have something they don't, as well: experience which will likely lend a boost into wisdom and emotional maturity which will take them longer to achieve. I went through the same thing when I was in my 20's. My primary feeling was "It's not fair". I was starved, neglected and severely beaten for the first nine years of my life, then thrown away to live in state custody for seven more. While the healthy children were wishing for presents for Christmas, I was wishing for a family. It wasn't until a few years ago when I realized how much further behind healthy, non-abused people my age are. -and when faced with a difficult situation or situation involving survival, you would likely be the most efficient at survival. Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people and you can't have the satisfaction of retribution. They aren't going to feel guilty. They aren't going to apologise. Abusers are just people. Sick, flawed people just like the rest of us, but probably in denial.

Another thing to consider is that things are different behind closed doors. Even the most seemingly functional family is gonna fight on occasion.

Also, you can still have what you never had, or at least something similar, but you may have to be a little creative. Age is but a number.

[iliketurtles97]

Thanks to everyone. I just want to know if this gets better. I can't go to kids' birthday parties, I can't work in places with kids, and I can't all around be near them because of the panic attacks I get, I guess. It's been pretty recent that I've gotten out of an abusive home, and I'm just starting to process everything that happened, so that could be a part of it..

[misskrome]

Originally Posted by iliketurtles97

Thanks to everyone. I just want to know if this gets better. I can't go to kids' birthday parties, I can't work in places with kids, and I can't all around be near them because of the panic attacks I get, I guess. It's been pretty recent that I've gotten out of an abusive home, and I'm just starting to process everything that happened, so that could be a part of it..

Can't say. It's different for everyone. That you mentioned that you just recently got out of an abusive home means that the wounds are still fresh. Therapy for this would be a huge recommendation but time is going to be the ultimate healer, and it's going to take a looong time. It never goes away but the intensity does lessen. Some people heal faster than others.

I cannot speak for anyone else, nor you. All I can give you is my own experience with it. Mine happened a long time ago. The bitterness and jealousy didn't begin until a decade after it happened. Then, it took me another full decade to get to the point to where I am just indifferent about it. I think it got better for me because I realized that the kids are just kids and don't know any differently. Same as us, they were born into their situation with no say. Although I was jealous, and knew that for sure they would grow up to be entitled, spoiled little asshats, I couldn't wish suffering onto them. Not after knowing what it did to me. Some people get the good and some have to get the bad. It isn't fair but nothing is. Life is $hitty that way. While I do get a little envious at times, the intensity of it has faded with time. -and, yeah, I still get a little bitter about it, myself but I think, for the most part, I've reached the point where I just don't care, anymore. In some cases, all the therapy in the world may fail and time is the only thing that will help the pain go away.

I do believe in the phrase "no pain, no gain". I think suffering strengthens the mind/soul. Like muscles, it breaks you down into a pile of melted nothingness, and, if you survive and still have the will to continue living, then you are rebuilt into a better, stronger version of yourself. Puts you ahead of the game in comparison to those who haven't. If you can say that you survived such terrible things, those who haven't will admire your strength and envy it, themselves, maybe even wishing they were strong enough to overcome such traumatic events. Those who don't recognize your strength and trivialize it are likely clueless dummies. I, personally, don't acknowledge their existence but I'm a bit of an antisocial snob in that way. I give little respect to those who have been sheltered and have never had to suffer in any way. They are like ants to me, but again, I'm a snob.

I would say 1: Don't take anything I say seriously. I ain't right in the head and have a lot of terrible misanthropic ideals, and 2: You should work through whatever is making you feel this way with your therapist, and find a good one with whom you can feel comfortable with. It may take years to filter and process the pain but if you want it badly enough, it will lessen over time. Ah, that's the best I can do. Wish I could give you more.



Sorry, I needed to add something here. While suffering gives you strength, it also darkens your heart a bit. The darkness and pain can potentially destroy you from the inside out if you let it get out of hand. It never goes away. It becomes a part of who you are but-BUT... a heart isn't beautiful without a few cracks in it <3

[misskrome]

There is one more thing I did to help ease the pain, and it was more effective than any therapy I have ever received. Unfortunately, it also drove me temporarily insane and traumatized the hell out of me (because it was so wonderful). I can't tell you what it was because I think it's a bad idea, and does not encourage healthy mental health. It's very unorthodox and considered counterproductive but my god it bloody worked. When I say 'worked', I mean it made up for the pain I had from never having been loved. Another reason I can't suggest it to you is because I almost killed myself after the experience (then made peace with it) and I don't want to be responsible for suggesting something that would hurt anyone. Lemme just say that since the initial trauma, I feel like I don't need anyone, per se, as like a companion. Whatever it did to me gave me a kind of self-love, so to speak. It's not perfect. I still have my miserable days and life goes on as usual but the pain isn't as intense anymore. Unfortunately, it cost me my sanity.