[ahdm]

I've heard from a number of people in my family that my dad was very violent towards my mum before they got a divorce. He had hit her, trapped her arm in a door, and winded her by hitting her on her back as she was walking up the stairs.

I remember that my dad sometimes used to get really angry with me when I went round his place when I was younger. For example, I remember this event very clearly:
He'd picked me up on the Saturday morning at 9, and took me and my sister round to his flat. His girlfriend went out, and he fell asleep on the sofa. Me and my sister had brought paints and glitter and glue and paper round (I think I was about 6/7, my sister was 2 years younger) and I'd made this picture that I was really proud of. He was asleep though so I couldn't show him. Because I'd finished, I started clearing up the glue and paints. But my sister decided she wanted to pour glitter all over the carpets. No matter how many times I cleaned it all up with a dustpan, she kept on pouring it on there. Then dad woke up, and he got really angry, and started shouting at me, saying it was my fault, saying I was stupid.

I feel absolutely terrible even thinking about this, because he did love me, and I feel like such a bad person by even considering this. But I'm starting to wonder if he might have physically or emotionally abused me...

Every time somebody lifts their arm or moves their hand, I flinch and look away... I'm not sure if that means something, but I don't know what to do...

Am I just making a fuss out of nothing?

[nicoleflynn]

None of your feelings are "making a fuss"---all of our feelings should be recognized and validated. He verbally abused you. What you are experiencing (probably). the flinching, looking away, etc...is called "hypervilgilance."

[Stronger]

It can be hard to know sometimes, especially when you don't remember everything clearly. But the flinching and stuff is definitely not abnormal.
For me, every time a guy touches me I get a funny feeling and my skin crawls. This is because I was very likely sexually abused when I was younger. Even though I don't remember it well, it still has an impact on my life today.
But, the important thing is not 'what happened' but rather 'what will happen'. Because you don't have any control over your past, but you do have a certain degree of control over your future.

[krisakira]

Name calling such as your dad calling you "stupid" is a form of emotional abuse.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

None of your feelings are "making a fuss"---all of our feelings should be recognized and validated. He verbally abused you. What you are experiencing (probably). the flinching, looking away, etc...is called "hypervilgilance."

Thank you. I've looked up 'hypervigilance' and it really does make sense...
I'm not sure what to do next... I'm not in therapy so I can't really talk to anyone about it...
I have received a letter from CAMHS stating that I need to call and 'choose' and appointment. But I'm debating whether or not to call them...

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Stronger

It can be hard to know sometimes, especially when you don't remember everything clearly. But the flinching and stuff is definitely not abnormal.
For me, every time a guy touches me I get a funny feeling and my skin crawls. This is because I was very likely sexually abused when I was younger. Even though I don't remember it well, it still has an impact on my life today.
But, the important thing is not 'what happened' but rather 'what will happen'. Because you don't have any control over your past, but you do have a certain degree of control over your future.

Thank you for this. I'm not sure what to do next however...
I just hope the flinching and turning away will somehow subside over the next few years.

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you will get into therapy. This isn't going to go away by itself. xoxo

[Bill3]

I hope that you will arrange an appointment with CAMHS.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I hope that you will arrange an appointment with CAMHS.

They sent me (or rather, my mum) a letter asking for her/me to call to make a CHOICE appointment. I just don't know whether to actually go through with it....

[Bill3]

What does it mean to make a CHOICE appointment?

What are the pros and cons of going through with it?

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What does it mean to make a CHOICE appointment?

What are the pros and cons of going through with it?

I'm not too sure... I tried looking it up but Google didn't give me much to work with...

Pro would probably be I would get the help I need.
Con would be that it might cause me to spiral even further into depression and it might make things worse..

[Bill3]

Try Googling "CHOICE CAMHS appointment" (without quotation marks). I just did that and the first hit was helpful.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Try Googling "CHOICE CAMHS appointment" (without quotation marks). I just did that and the first hit was helpful.

Thank you, that really helps

I'm getting a bit anxious about it now though because i don't know what exactly is going to happen and I don't know if my mum has to be there, and I know that I'm being a bit stupid because I would find this out if I rang them, but I'm too scared to...

[Bill3]

What bad things could happen if you rang them?

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What bad things could happen if you rang them?

A lot of bad things...

I could over-obsess about it
My relationship with mum would get worse
It would bring back a lot of memories of therapy with my former t
It would make me even more stressed out
I would feel worse about myself
They might say I've got nothing wrong with me and that I don't need therapy
They might say I'm making a fuss over nothing
If they only offered me 6 sessions it would mess up my head
They might think I'm crazy or weird or just whining like a 5 year old

etc...
:/

I had my lesson with my teacher about 15 minutes ago. I couldn't rack up the nerve to stop and talk to her. Aaaaaargh

[Bill3]

It is very hard for you to talk with her. Can you try again tomorrow?

What good things could happen if you rang them for information?

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It is very hard for you to talk with her. Can you try again tomorrow?

What good things could happen if you rang them for information?

I can't tomorrow - she's not in college.

I guess I could get the help I kind of need...

[Bill3]

When is the next day you could talk to her?

It is very hard to speak and it is okay to keep trying.

Would ringing them commit you to anything? Maybe it could just be an inquiry, to see what is involved, to answer the questions that you have.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

When is the next day you could talk to her?

It is very hard to speak and it is okay to keep trying.

Would ringing them commit you to anything? Maybe it could just be an inquiry, to see what is involved, to answer the questions that you have.

Thursday, probably.

It wouldn't necessarily commit me to anything; I could just ring up to inquire about it. I'd just be scared to.

[Bill3]

Maybe the fear of ringing could be overcome. Then you could learn a bit about whether or not they can give you the help you need.

Same thing with your teacher: Try again on Thursday, see if you are ready then.

(((((ahdm)))))

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Maybe the fear of ringing could be overcome. Then you could learn a bit about whether or not they can give you the help you need.

Same thing with your teacher: Try again on Thursday, see if you are ready then.

(((((ahdm)))))

Thank you so much. I'm going to ring them on Thursday when I can get hold of a phone...

I'm really scared to talk to her on Thursday... I hope I do...