[Mika no Chiyoko]

I was abused for a while in secondary school by the conductor of the bus that used to pick up myself and other children in my area in the mornings and afternoons. Whenever I sat next to him when it was his turn to drive he would touch me and for a little bit I liked it but then realized it was wrong of him. The bus stopped picking us up after a few years, and then he moved away and I never saw him again.

I never told anyone what happened because I thought they would say that there was something wrong with me for liking what he did. I know now that there wasn't or isn't anything wrong with me though I still feel bad about it, but I believe that there might have been an effect of that episode.

I recently met an older man and he doesn't do those things, he's very sweet. The problem is, while I'm attracted to him physically, whenever I think about being intimate with him, I do become aroused but at the same time there's an undercurrent of fear and revulsion. It's always been that way ever since that other man touched me; I can't think about being with someone with getting scared and disgusted. Rarely I can forget and enjoy the thought but only rarely.

[Stronger]

I know what you mean.
When I was little, I was raped. Even though I don't remember it well, my skin still crawls whenever a guy touches me. The thought of being intimate with someone almost throws me into convulsions.
Somehow, I wish that I could give you advice, but all I can really do is say: You're not alone in feeling that way. It's our body's way of working through what we were never able to work through before.
I hope that things will get better for you, dear.

[Mika no Chiyoko]

I decided to tell him about what happened before we got into anything and his response was that things do happen to us when we're young. Somehow I don't think he was thinking straight. Who would give that kind of response?

[Mika no Chiyoko]

Well recently we went on a date and the guy was very polite and well behaved but when towards the end of the date we were hugging and he was kissing my cheek, he started nibbling on my ear.

I did not expect the kind of reaction I felt towards that. I wanted to hit him. Hit him with enough force to seriously injure him. I didn't do anything though, and I don't think he noticed. When I went home and thought about it the ear-nibbling and my reaction the feeling came back even worse. It was awful. I can't think what to do, how do I work this out....