[hezaa82]

I'm extremely effected by the emotional neglect I went through as a child and my life feels empty and absent of joy. As is the case with emotional abuse, my parents were never malicious. They are victims of child abuse themselves, and have no self esteem, no social skills, no identity. Of course I don't know exactly what went on when I was a child, but basically I think they didn't give me attention or feedback or guidance or rules or discipline. They told me they loved me and were proud of me, then never noticed me or took care of my emotional needs. My material needs were very well taken care of. It was all very confusing as a child. I responded by shutting myself off from the world from a very early age. I became very snappy and guarded against my parents and sisters. And then they criticized me for being that way, even though they pushed me in that direction. My mother was worse than my father. She doesn't like kids or family, she's self centered and childish and unloving. My father is very loving, but lacks the boundaries and self esteem to have a healthy relationship or understand another person's needs.

My question is about my father. I live in Japan but he calls me on Skype sometimes (actually he didn't call me for the first 7 years. I had to tell him to call me. Again not understanding my needs and making me into the powerful one/role reversal). I do want him to call me so I don't feel rejected and because it just feels terrible to have you own parent ignore you(especially when you know it's because they think you don't want contact). But the problem is that when I talk to him I feel anxious and angry and standoffish. I feel tightness in my throat and chest. It's hard to explain but He asks me questions and I don't want to respond. I don't want to volunteer information. I'm sure it's that defense mechanism from childhood. He won't give me any response or validation in return so best to not even put myself out there. The blocked off feeling feels bad though. I say things to him and all I get is a nod or an often out of place "good." ( no that wasn't a good thing). But he wants really badly to be in my life and he thinks he can make up for not being there for me as a kid but it doesn't work that way. He does want to help me but he always wants me to make him feel better about himself I think.

In contrast, I once had someone who did meet my needs the way I needed it. He made me feel safe to open up, he made me feel listened to, he remembered things I said and made me feel "seen." He had good boundaries. He was sure of himself and didn't need me for his self esteem. He was a good role model of healthy behavior. If we had a conflict he wouldn't get scared and run away like my dad does, he would give me positive reinforcement so I knew things were ok. But he's gone. My issues pushed him away.

My dad is never going to be able to be that kind of person. So What's the best plan here? Should I protect myself and just not talk to dad since it causes me so much discomfort? How do I deal with him wanting to be there for me but not doing it right? He's supposed to call me tonight. How should I approach it?

PS I started doing EMDR therapy last month. I haven't made any breakthroughs yet. I hope it will help with these defense mechanisms but I'm not too hopeful.

Thanks,
Heather

[Travelinglady]

I'm sorry we didn't get back to you last night. How did things go?

I am glad you are realizing that your dad is trying, but he just doesn't have the skills to be the kind of dad you (and anybody) would like.

Does he have any hobbies or interests? How does he spend his time?

What are you up to that might be something you could talk about that's safe and that would be a topic that he would have trouble criticizing?

I love my mom dearly, but she just isn't able to give me really what I need either. So, I don't try to confide in her much about my problems or tell her about anything that puts me into her possible critical eye. Many things in my life she doesn't know about.

I talk to her about politics, the folks in her assisted living place, her health (her favorite topic), something on the news, etc.

If my dad were still living, then I'd probably talk to him about sports, religion, etc.

True, it's not what many people would consider a typical child-parent talk, but it keeps us in contact.

I hope these ideas might prime the pump, anyway.

[Travelinglady]

I suggest you talk to him about safe, unemotional topics. What are his interests? How does he spend his time?

I talk to my mom, who can't really give me what I need, about topics such as what's happening in the news, the folks in her assisted living place, her health (her favorite topic), politics in general, etc. And I don't volunteer much about what's going on with me, especially anything she might criticize.

True, not what we often think of as a typical child-parent conversation, but it keeps us in contact and keeps my anxiety down.

I hope this idea helps.

How did it go last night?

[hezaa82]

See my problem isn't that he criticizes me. It's the opposite. He's just unresponsive. He has no opinion on anything. I tell him something and he's just like "good..." or says nothing at all. It's like he's just trying to say what he thinks is the "right" answer. It comes from his massive lack of confidence. So it sucks to open up and get nothing in response. I'm sure it sucked as a child too. As kids we never had rules or discipline. Now I'm super sensitive to being invalidated because of my parent's lack of response all the time. And I tend to over exaggerate things I guess out of fear of people not taking me seriously, since my parents never noticed my feelings. So do I still try and talk to dad if I know I'll just get blank stares in response? He kind of puts the burden on us kids but he was supposed to be the leader.

Anyway he didn't even call last night. Typical unreliable promises.

Thanks for writing a response.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that your dad wasn't there for you and seemingly can't be there for you now.

You mentioned EMDR. What has been your experience with therapy to date?

[hezaa82]

I've done talk therapy for years. I learned a lot about my condition and how I got this way, and the therapist is a great source of validation since I'm not getting it from anyone else in my life. My therapist decided to quit the practice but really wanted me to take the opportunity to start EMDR. I've been working with the EMDR therapist for just a month or two now. I'm still a bit skeptical/afraid I'm not doing it right.