When I was around 5 years old someone accidentally stabbed me in the leg with a farming tool. It wasn't a terrible wound that needed stitches or anything, but it did bleed a lot, it hurt like crazy, and it left a rather large visible scar in the shape of the tool edge. When I look at my leg all these years later I can still see this scar. It reminds me of when it happened, how I received it, how much it hurt, and the reaction of the person who had accidentally stabbed me. It's a full memory with a start, middle, and ending.

Why I'm writing about this is because having that full story allows me to understand that wound. It isn't something that is a mystery to me. It isn't something that I have to wonder if it's always been there, if everyone has it, or why it's shaped the way it is.

I don't have that full story about my abuse.

The abuse from the first abuser had started early enough that I can't even remember the first instance of it. As far as my memory goes back it was always going on. I remember snippets from during the abuse, and the final instance of it is very clear in my mind, but the story is incomplete.

I can remember sitting in school in grade 1 as the teacher talked to the class about what to do if an older person tried to touch you. She was using a poster illustrated with a naked male and female body to show where the "no touch" regions were. The children in the class were giggling about this poster and what was being talked about, and I remember fake laughing with them so that no one would suspect anything about me. By that point I had already been enduring sexual abuse for years.

When my family moved from that area, the abuse continued off and on from a different abuser (my sister). It elevated to rape when I was 12, and after I ran away for a short period it ended. What this means is that from the earliest memories up to the end of my childhood those years contained abuse. These were the "formative" years, and set up the basis for my identity.

I know I am far from alone in having a past like that, and that many other people have no recollection of any time in their life prior to abuse (whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual abuse).

What I can't figure out though, and what is the biggest source of frustration in my life, is how you are supposed to heal when you have never known anything else?

When I look at the scar on my leg I know the story there, but when I try to see the damage from the abuse I can't distinguish it from everything else. There is no point of reference of who I was before. I can't see how I changed. I can't tell if one reaction, thought, or action is caused by the abuse, or if that's who I really am. I can't say "I want to heal and get back to being that person" because I have no idea who that person was. Yet if I decide to try to define who I want to be because I lack that reference, and I go and try to change my opinions or thoughts, isn't that just a different reaction to the abuse? Those still wouldn't be me, they would be the me I'm creating in order to deal with the abuse.

Is there any way to escape being controlled by it when you've never known any different?

I'm not really asking because I already know the answer... I'm just frustrated at this feeling tonight more than usual. Ever since my birthday passed earlier this year it's been really bothering me. Another year of my life gone by and I still feel hollow and fake, totally lost about who I am, and about where I'm going. I want to live my life, not react to my past. But I've only ever been reacting.

[yellowfrog268]

I can so relate to what you've written. Especially feeling hollow, fake, and lost about who you are. My abuse began early in life too and like you, I don't remember what life was like before because I was so young.

You can't really try and know who you were before the abuse began because in your situation, you were a young child. The you that existed before the abuse began ("...who that person was") wouldn't be something or someone you could emulate today as an adult. Does this make sense? Better to learn by developing friendships with caring and understanding individuals.

[deepbluelosthope]

I can relate too to what you write. So much of our identity is set at a young age by those around us, namely parents and siblings. If those people abuse us that becomes our normality and our real self and personal development is compromised as a consequence. It can be really difficult to break free from a past like that but I think acknowledging that your past was not as it should have been is half the battle.

How do we heal? i think it is hugely challenging as our confidence and self esteem can be non existent. I surround myself now with kind, loving, caring, thoughtful, well-balanced people. Gradually, their positivity and values start to grow in you and i think that is the start to finding yourself and learning to live how you want to live.

When I now compare the wonderful people in my life with my brother who is terribly damaged too from the past I see how far I have come. He, sadly, is totally screwed up from our childhood and it is scary to think his behaviour was my normality once too.

[Bill3]

"I want to heal and get back to being that person" because I have no idea who that person was.

Even though you may have no idea who that person was, the person still exists inside of you, in the form of your basic temperament and your genetic endowments. The abuse prevented that person from developing in the usual manner, but the person still can heal and develop.

Have you seen/do you see a therapist to help with the healing?

[potterhead6]

Originally Posted by Trebyn

When I was around 5 years old someone accidentally stabbed me in the leg with a farming tool. It wasn't a terrible wound that needed stitches or anything, but it did bleed a lot, it hurt like crazy, and it left a rather large visible scar in the shape of the tool edge. When I look at my leg all these years later I can still see this scar. It reminds me of when it happened, how I received it, how much it hurt, and the reaction of the person who had accidentally stabbed me. It's a full memory with a start, middle, and ending.

Why I'm writing about this is because having that full story allows me to understand that wound. It isn't something that is a mystery to me. It isn't something that I have to wonder if it's always been there, if everyone has it, or why it's shaped the way it is.

I don't have that full story about my abuse.

The abuse from the first abuser had started early enough that I can't even remember the first instance of it. As far as my memory goes back it was always going on. I remember snippets from during the abuse, and the final instance of it is very clear in my mind, but the story is incomplete.

I can remember sitting in school in grade 1 as the teacher talked to the class about what to do if an older person tried to touch you. She was using a poster illustrated with a naked male and female body to show where the "no touch" regions were. The children in the class were giggling about this poster and what was being talked about, and I remember fake laughing with them so that no one would suspect anything about me. By that point I had already been enduring sexual abuse for years.

When my family moved from that area, the abuse continued off and on from a different abuser (my sister). It elevated to rape when I was 12, and after I ran away for a short period it ended. What this means is that from the earliest memories up to the end of my childhood those years contained abuse. These were the "formative" years, and set up the basis for my identity.

I know I am far from alone in having a past like that, and that many other people have no recollection of any time in their life prior to abuse (whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual abuse).

What I can't figure out though, and what is the biggest source of frustration in my life, is how you are supposed to heal when you have never known anything else?

When I look at the scar on my leg I know the story there, but when I try to see the damage from the abuse I can't distinguish it from everything else. There is no point of reference of who I was before. I can't see how I changed. I can't tell if one reaction, thought, or action is caused by the abuse, or if that's who I really am. I can't say "I want to heal and get back to being that person" because I have no idea who that person was. Yet if I decide to try to define who I want to be because I lack that reference, and I go and try to change my opinions or thoughts, isn't that just a different reaction to the abuse? Those still wouldn't be me, they would be the me I'm creating in order to deal with the abuse.

Is there any way to escape being controlled by it when you've never known any different?

I'm not really asking because I already know the answer... I'm just frustrated at this feeling tonight more than usual. Ever since my birthday passed earlier this year it's been really bothering me. Another year of my life gone by and I still feel hollow and fake, totally lost about who I am, and about where I'm going. I want to live my life, not react to my past. But I've only ever been reacting.

I can relate to your story 100%. (If you want, you can read my story)
I'd love to chat/talk to you about all of this, if you'd like. Just know that you're not alone. It may be hard right now but (as cliche as it may sound) it will get better. You will find peace with your past one day.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Have you seen/do you see a therapist to help with the healing?

When I was younger I spent some time in therapy, but I wound up coming away worse than I had been when I had initially gone in.

At this point, even if I found a good therapist I don't have the income level that would allow me to see them with any regularity. I had spoken with my GP about it, but aside from referring me to a psychiatrist he didn't know of anything he could do. I've got a referral, but the waiting list is so long here that it's been a year and my 'turn' still hasn't arrived

My temperament was said to have changed following some open heart surgery I had when I was a baby, before the abuse began (I was too young to have any recollection of it at all). It changed again following some more surgery in the middle grades... so it's possible that the loss of self was not solely due to the abuse. There may have been some damage done during those surgeries After the middle grade one especially the doctor was sweating because the blood flow to my brain had been accidentally blocked off for a brief period during the procedure.

[choosinghappiness]

Hi. I love the illustration you gave of your wounded leg. You have far more insight than you give yourself credit for. Here's what I've learned over the years...(1) I am who I am. All of my experiences good and bad make up who I am today. (2) I am constantly evolving. My continued search to understand my past and present influence who I am in the future. (3) I am unique. No-one else is exactly like me and no-one has walked my exact path. (4) I have value / strengths. I play to those strengths (Healthy friends will gladly tell you what your strengths are.) (5) I have weaknesses. When I identify a weakness, I work toward resolving it. (Again, healthy friends will gladly tell you what your weaknesses are). (6)...and this is most important to me...Numbers 1-5 apply to everyone else too.
I don't want to get back to any of my previous selves. I just want to be the best me that I can be today. If therapy isn't in your foreseeable future, someone with your insight would probably make great use of self-help books and friends on this site. Happy journey!

[Mysterious Flyer]

Hello Trebyn:

You need a psychiatrist, not a therapist. Can you apply for some sort of aid? I thought for a long time that I should apply for disability because my CPTSD prevents me from moving ahead at work (since I can't make friends), and I am always on the "layoff" list. Not necessarily fired, but marginalized from day one, and let go as soon as the profits start to decrease. I thought that maybe if I could qualify for disability, then I could see a shrink on the public dime. Frankly, "the public" should have helped both of us when we were being abused, so they should have to pay for it, IMO.

I have somehow managed to gain employment without a break for the past few years, so I have paid for the shrink myself, but maybe you could get assistance.