[tigersassy]

The month of may is so hard for me. All 3 of my hospitalizations have been during may. I found out that I was pregnant in april of 2008. In may I made a decision to abort that pregnancy may 22 because of who the childs father was. I don't feel like I can deal with this. Mothers day is in may. My mother was emotionally abusive and allowed my father to abuse me physically. I stopped talking to my parents this past year and am still trying to deal with it. I want to make this pain end. I'm tired of fighting and trying to be strong. I just want to collapse in bed with the covers over my head and cry until I pass out. My old coping mechanisms sound so good. I might leave work early today if I can. I can't fake it today. I don't have the strength. When does the pain end?

Tig

It's okay if you can't fake it today ... It's also okay if you want to go home, hide under the covers and cry and sleep ... One Day, One Hour, One Minute ...

[gayleggg]

Hold on as best as you can and May will fly by. I know it brings a lot of bad memories for you. Find something to keep you busy. Whether it is reading, playing video games or crafts, it will keep your mind engaged in something else. My bad month is September, so I understand months being triggering.

[tigersassy]

I'm trying to stay busy, but nothing is distracting my brain. I hate this. My brain does its own thing while i'm trying desperately not to lose it at work.

Tig

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are having a challenging day tigersassy, I have them myself so I know the desire to want to climb in bed to minimize the challenge. If your mother triggers you then creating a distance is perfectly fine. You need to keep doing what you need to take care of "your needs" and also keep allowing yourself space to grow and move forward too.

Yes, I know exactly what you are describing, I experience that at times myself and it makes me tired and grumpy. Can you take a break at work and go outside for some air? I find that sometimes works for me.

((Hugs))
OE

[tigersassy]

So I sent my mom a text yesterday evening telling her happy mothers day. She just now replied with "Thank u just want to let u no I'm having surgery next month" wtf. I asked what for. Her next response was "having some issues". Are you serious? Now I'm really not even sure if I believe her. Shes lied so much. How do I trust her? Fml

Tig

[tigersassy]

Cried myself to sleep again last night. My eyes are red and puffy this morning. Found out from my baby brother (21) that my mom its having surgery on her colon to try to fix some issues that were a result of her internal radiation for cervical cancer a few years ago. Now I'm blaming myself because I wished ill to befall her. I want her to feel the pain that she caused me. Does that make me horrible? I feel horrible. I don't want to go to work or do anything still, but I have to because I'm a stubborn person. Don't even want to call and talk to my therapist. I just want the pain to be over and taking to my therapist makes it real. If I write about it is not really real.

Tig