[SunshineUribe]

My husband and I have been married 22 years. We have 3 children. A 21 yr old and a 5 and 6 yr old. Through most of our marriage he has been an addict. Using meth and cocaine. In 2006 he overdosed. He was in a coma for 3 days. After he came home his personality had completely changed. He started becoming angry at little things and things that we used to laugh at. I thought maybe it was withdrawals but it has never changed. In 2008 our daughter was born after 10 years of trying. Then 15 months later our son was born. I decided to be a stay at home mom. I've been wrapped up in my kids the last 7 years and haven't noticed anything until the past year. Its so hard to explain. Back in December I believe he started using again. The lies started. In January he got mad at me one morning because I had sent a message to a friend of mine asking if her ex husband was using. My husband woke me up yelling at me for this and then hid my phone. Not the first time he has done this. Well he went back to bed and ended up sleeping all day and yes I got mad and hid his phone. When he finally woke up and realized that I hid his phone he became angry and there was a look in his eyes that I have never seen before and it scared me. I went to get his phone and he grabbed me and threatened to push me down the stairs. I'm not sure what happened next but he pushed me back and I fell back and hit my head on the door frame and was laying on my back. I eventually left and went to my moms for 3 days with the kids. I don't know why but I went back. Things have been up and down. After 7 years of no social life I finally started doing things with a friend of mine that I have known for 17 years. My husband has started accusing me of wanting to sleep with her son. He was 12 when I became friends with his mom and even though he is only 10 years younger than me I have never looked at him that way. I don't where all this jealousy is coming from. I have never cheated and never given him any reason to be jealous. Every time I have went out with my friend he has ruined it by constantly texting and calling me names and just being angry. One night he used drugs before I got home and then blamed me. Well, 2 days ago took the kids and left. I don't have a job so that is what I am trying to do. My husband sent me texts all night long last night. I had turned the sound off though so it didn't bother me. They started out angry then begging and now he is insinuating suicide because I am refusing to come home. I've told him the only way I will try to work on things is by staying apart and we can try counseling but I am not coming home. I never even thought I was in an abusive relationship until I read an article on emotional abuse and I can't believe I didn't see it! I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is normal and ending up in a similar relationship. My husband just scares me with how his emotions are all over the place. The kids love their dad and want to see him. My daughter tried calling him this morning before school but he wouldn't answer. She became upset and said she was tired and didn't want to go to school. I just don't know how to handle this.

[blueredgrey]

Dear,

You are absolutely right in thinking that tolerating abuse may give a wrong idea of family life to your young impressionable children (to both - your son and daughter). Pls don't move back with your husband until he mends his ways.

An author once wrote "Love must be tough", sometimes people need to separate so that they make necessary changes in their life. I think you should really consult a therapist to heal yourself and get advice on how to deal with your husband. Right now, he probably is more in love with drugs than in love with family.

If I were you, I wouldn't make him feel guilty, but instead say that he's hurting you and kids. Maybe your oldest daughter can get involved and tell him to give up drugs. Show him love, encourage him to give up, instead of make him feel guilty.

Again, it's just a layperson's opinion. I think therapists would be in a better position to advice.

Your healing is important. Start by taking therapy and healing. It wouldn't hurt if you could take up some part time job.

good luck!

[nicoleflynn]

I spoke on the radio regarding verbal abuse: 1430 KYKN - Salem is listening on April 19th...as a result of a 31 year abusive marriage and tons of research, etc...if you would like to listen.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. No one can help an abuser, they need to want to change for themselves. Yes, get into counseling by yourself and I hope you will read that book; I believe it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Hugs!