[anxiousdove]

Hello all.

I just learned tonight that my former abuser died yesterday. He has been out of my life for at least 18 years. I have since dealt with many after effects of what I experienced over the years. Worthy of note is that there was never a final exit so to speak. He and my mother divorced after I was already out of the house, and thus I never really had a final word with him over what happened to me.

While I still deal with chronic anxiety (fairly controlled with meds atm), and occasionally PTSD, I am in a much better place than I was years ago. However while I of course I knew he would die eventually, I guess I never considered how I would feel about it. Only thing I know for sure is that I don't feel sad. But I confused over what else I really am feeling. I waver between feeling a loss of a chance for closure, or the chance to tell him how he affected my life, and wondering why I'm not angry, to feeling like for my OWN sake, I should forgive and leave the wondering about his fate in God's hands. And then there's a blankness... When I feel nothing.

So as title says, not sure how to process this news. Can anyone with a similar life experience share how they did such? Thanks...

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[glok]

Hello, anxiousdove. Have you talked to your treatment team about this?

[anxiousdove]

Don't really have a treatment team, just my family doctor. Anyway feeling much better today, just was rather unprepared for the news

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[shabur]

My abuser died when I was 21 - at that time no one knew what he did. I ended up writing a letter to him and it helped me get my rage out. It hasn't taken care of my PTSD, but it helped.

I started it with "While I am glad you are dead I wish you were here so that I could unleash my wrath upon me, report you to the authorities and see YOU suffer for what you did to me ..."