How far back must one go?

I can't believe I am 69 and 1/2 and still struggle with issues from sexual abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse from age 3, my earliest memory. My biological mother gave me and an older half brother up for adoption when I was four and he was almost seven. We were placed in the Ponca City, Oklahoma Childrens Home run by the American Legion in the late 1940's. Prior to placement, I had been sexually abused by a young man (probably an uncle, as I've found out more about that family) by fellating him. As I remember, it was many times; perhaps it was only once or twice, but it left a lasting scar on my memory.
I was adopted by a family after less than a year. The adoptive father in that family sexually abused me from the age of eight, after three years in that family. No penetration, but everything but. One psychologist, male, told me when I was seeking help for the first time, in my late twenties, that it couldn't be considered incest since the man was not my biological father. I gave up on seeking help after that.
I married immediately out of high school to a man who was ten years older and an alcoholic. I knew nothing about alcoholic or drinking or normal sex. I just wanted to get away from my high classed on the outside, crazy on the inside adoptive family. In later years when I accused the father of molesting me, I was, naturally ejected from the family, accused of lying, etc. By then I had three daughters and wanted to keep them from my father. I had never let them stay overnight with them all those years and watched them like a hawk. My mother denied my accusations until she died.
I stayed in the marriage until my last child left for collage. I was married 29 years. For the last fifteen years of that marriage, my husband told me he did not love me and would require occasional sex, but would not kiss me because "you don't kiss someone you don't love." I was extremely obese, so felt I deserved everything he said. My love was poured into my children, my community, the kids' school activities, everything but myself.
I had gastric stapling five years before I left my husband. But, only until the last child was grown. I had a good job and moved 200 miles away. My husband joined AA the day I filed for divorce. He would not grant me a divorce and supported me (although I worked) by paying for my car, health insurance, helped me buy a tiny house in my new town, etc. Finally, even though he was sober, I told him that it was too late. Our marriage did not survive his sobriety.
One daughter, my eldest, resents me to this day and she is almost fifty. She did not leave the small town where I grew up and raised my family. Two of her sisters joined me in my new town, married, and made their lives here.
This oldest daughter was diabetic, brittle, from age 7 and I enabled her all the time I lived near her. She married, had one child who she neglected and when I left had no one to do everything for her. Her husband and her father had to the roles of caregiver that she chose not to do. She has a good job, is active in church, but her daughter grew up with many psychological problems and in conversations with her, she has evidently been told many lies about me. Sigh.
I did find success in marriage after being divorced for four years. I married someone who had also been married almost thirty years, was divorced for one. Both of our spouses had committed adultery in our marriages, so we had that in common. I was terrified of drinking (luckily food addiction was evil for me, but I am not fond of alcohol) and he came from a family where his mother and four of his five brothers were recovering alcoholics. He is highly educated, a college professor for over 40 years at a prestigious university; I graduated from high school in a small town and went to work immediately, based on high scores received my senior year in various secretarial contests. I'm smart, read as much as my husband, but am definitely up to his speed in knowledge.
About fifteen years ago I found all the information about my biological mother and her family, right before she died, had visited with them, share family tree information, and know where my obesity gene evidently came from! Two of my cousins I have grown to care for are the children of the man (deceased) who probably was the one who abused me when I was very young. I also discovered that the name on my birth certificate as my father was NOT my father and my mother gave me enough information that with the invention of the internet, I was able to find him (deceased by then) and discover that I grew up within fifty miles of a half sister and half brother, who are now friends! I love having real FAMILY. Two of my three daughters like this also. My youngest is not so sure.
So: so much to be happy about, right? Then why am I so depressed? I still do not feel loved, emotionally or physically. My husband sit close together, read together, share similar activities, love our combined family's grandchildren, although their problems can cause us stress at times. But, I still feel that lack of physical (NORMAL) affection I never received as a child. The years of no love in that first very dysfunctional marriage, and, believe it or not, with all the wonderful things about my current (17 years) marriage with a husband who has taken me around the world, done so much traveling with me, I still am longing for touch. We do not touch. His family was cold; his marriage, same way. Am I asking too much? The sex with us stopped after two years of marriage. He wants my touch, but as a mother figure, not sexual. So, I am making up for HIS lack of mothering, by soothing, him rubbing his head, patting his back, but here I am again. Lacking. Longing. I thought loving all my grandchildren, his and mine would be enough. Well, it isn't. I am depressed, have taken Prozac for ten years, but it seems to be a different sort of depresssion. So, I find myself giving things to needy people, offering my help, but still coming here and having that continued longing. Am I greedy? Am I too old to still want these things?

Welcome to the Community, Shirleysfriend. Have you talked to your husband about what you describe. Do you think he may be amenable to couple's therapy? If not, you likely would benefit from therapy.

I wish you well.

Dear Shirleysfriend,

I believe you still struggle with these issues as you have not yet had suitable life conditions around you in which to heal them effectively. It is quite common to reenact abuse as an adult (abusive relationships), numb the abuse (food, drug, sex addiction), believe that it wasn't so bad (because you function well, right?), etc, etc. All these are attempts to heal (as chaotic as their results often are) - and that is great, but they are not the most effective, and are infected by the distortions created by the abuse itself. So, they don't create conditions for you to truly flourish, only survive.

So, it appears to me that you are now in a place where life appears to be relatively settled - this makes it easier to see your true state of mind -without chaos muddying the waters. I believe that this would be a good time for you to focus on your trauma - on an individual basis. It is very hard to sort problems in a relationship when you have unresolved trauma, so I think taking your trauma into therapy would be a good first step. Healing your trauma will give you better tools to deal with everything else.

I think it is normal to want touch, at any age. It is great that you have so much in common with your current husband and appear to be friends. However, it is somewhat odd that the two of you had a sexual relationship for two years and then ceased. Something isn't being addressed. I think one or both of you need to get to the root of the problem.