[shezbut]

I have been working on my problems with abuse for 30 years. I was merely a child when I began T & barely remember it now. I keep thinking that "I'm too old for this!" and "Will I ever be able to live a somewhat normal life?"

The abuse occurred throughout my childhood. Emotional, physical, and sexual. Different men at different times in my life, and my family wasn't real helpful. Highly dysfunctional and sickening.

I've been able to "let go" of the resentment and a lot of the pain caused by a couple of men that sexually abused me (one in 3rd grade & the other when I was 12-14). What I really struggle with, however, is letting go of the pain caused by my brother, mom & dad mainly. My hypothesis is that the pain is much deeper, as they were my core family.

I was married to a terrific man for 15 of those years, and our marriage unfortunately failed. He can see, in retrospect, that I wasn't ready. I couldn't be "the wife with kids" easily. Unfortunately, my physical illnesses kicked in hard while our daughters were toddler and pre-school age. That really kicked my emotions in deep.

The marriage and family life was extremely difficult & I wasn't ready for it. I do love my daughters dearly ~ they are my life! But, I feel a deep guilt and shame for not being strong enough to be the mommy that they deserved & needed. I am trying so hard now! But, that doesn't make up for their early childhood. Will they struggle with similar problems when they get older? Will they resent me too? (Like I resent my mom) I think that these thoughts are normal, but I panic inside when they strike.

I know that it's a lot of pressure to put on my daughters, but I can't bear the thought of living through them leaving me behind emotionally. See, I left my mom literally and figuratively speaking. I can only stand little itty bits and pieces of her once or twice (tops!) per year. No more. What if my daughters did the same thing to me? Is history aimed to re-do itself again? I can't live with that. Thoughts like these make me feel very suicidal!

How in the world will I ever have a normal life? Haven't I put in enough time and effort? If my whole life is going to be like this, I don't want to continue living. Plain and simple.

[Travelinglady]

((((shezbut)))) Have you been in regular therapy? I am glad to see you are doing DBT again. I did it twice, too.

I am so sorry all that happened to you. I don't think history will repeat itself.

Forgiveness will be very hard, but it can be done.

[shezbut]

Yes, trav, I've been in therapy regularly, minus a year or two here and there.

My current T is the only one in which we're discussing everything in my life. Not simply focusing on one or two abusers. Maybe I wasn't ready to discuss it all before now. Up until this therapist, for instance, I had a bad habit of repression. The memories would be triggered every now and then & I would try my best to not let them out (because I was so terrified). This time, the memories could not be stuffed back inside. They needed to come out and would not be "forgotten" again.

[cryingontheinside]

You have been through so much. You have been abused by several people and had a poor up bringing. Normal life? What is s normal life these dsys? Does it exist.
I had a troubled childhood. With my emotional problems i havent always been the best mum either and i feel guilty to. I struggle with day to day life but i havent started therapy yet. It must be frustrsting for you to not feel healed after years of abuse. Unfortunately you have possibly been through more abuse than most of us and im really sorry that all of that happened to you. I hope you can find inner peace and become happy.

[IrisBloom]

I also have had a lot of issues with my parents and other family members. As I learned more about myself through therapy, I realized the problems where the other person's, not mine. I was able to forgive and not let the past rule my life. (Forgiveness does NOT mean their actions were ok. It means you are not going to hold ill feelings because of it.) By all means, stay away from the people that hurt you if possible. Your first priority is your mental and physical health, then your children. I raised 3 all the while dealing with untreated depression. They turned out fine, though the oldest has turned against me, but that was due to a toxic family member's influence. You can leave the past behind, but it does take a lot of work to do.