[First time mummy]

Hi everyone, it's taken some courage to come on here and speak but would just like some guidance on my situation without judgements.

I have recently separated from my partner of three and a half years, we have a six month old little girl.

Throughout the relationship there has been amazing times but a lot more downs to remember and that will stay with me forever.

My ex partner has a lot of trouble with communication and dealing with emotions, mine and his own and i believe i also do now from being with him. I used to own a business and had no trouble resolving issues I used to be bubbly and bright but naive, , but i am now absolutely mind blown about how to resolve this. he drinks a lot of alcohol and has been brought up In a mining rural town surrounded by big drinkers.

A lot of the abuse started I remember from this, I remember at times, he would come home from a pub and get in my face and say to me during a heated disagreement over something pathetic, what are you going to do hit me? I was completely confused for one I would never want to hit anyone nor had been in any fight physically with someone.

It went on and on and I started to get so angry with his behavior and how he treated me while drinking

He would be so disrespectful towards me while being under the influence I went looking for answers while he was on it and it just made the situation volatile but it was the only time I got communicating out of him. I yelled so much to express my hurt and frustration at times, called him names, followed him EverYtime he just sat there and watched me cry. I always felt like I was being punished.

He has hit me once while on drugs, and has assaulted me in other ways after, but when I look back it has only ever been from me yelling am I to blame??????

I just feel so upset that I had to yell to be respected i never wanted to intentionally hurt him and i know i have so much , but i know his actions weren't mine but I stillfeel as if I provoked him and keep blaming myself I love him very much and he said he loves me I just don't know what to do.

My family have told me to stay away but it's hard because the love is still there, and I don't want to lose my little girls father.

The last occurrence with violence happened a few weeks ago, I yelled to get my view across and be respected in regards to helping me out and respecting me as his little girls mum but i said how awful of a dad he was he packed all his things and I begged him and followed him around not to leave, so much happened next thing I know is his hands were around my next and he threatened to shoot me because he just wanted to go and I just should have let him. I didn't want to let him go nor do I want to lose him. I was terrified terrified of everything. I live in our house with my little girl but it's a really awkward upsetting situation. I'm grateful for him still helping with rent it just isn't what I expected it to be and as a family.

We have spoke since this happened now he has left and he has said he is sorry, and still loves me

I am very much in love with the good guy he can and Is, I just fear that one day I will end up dead, or if I stay my family will judge or my little girl will get taken away.

He knows his wrongs, and I know mine what would you do???

I still have so much hope we can change

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, First time mummy. Each of you likely would benefit from professional treatment. Once you both have treatment plans, you might talk to your therapist about the viability of couples' therapy.

I wish you well.

[First time mummy]

Thankyou, I am just scared of judgements from my family if I stay with him, and fear of my little girl being taken away if this was to move forward, I feel so lost without him I know how much of a beautiful heart he can have just so confused. He is on the other side of the country in Australia. I'm so upset we did this to my little girl, if were apart it's not fair for her to just see him whenever he wants to see her. I went through the whole pregnancy alone and he only moved to be with us 5 months after she was born I have so much resentment but still so much love

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by First time mummy

Hi everyone, it's taken some courage to come on here and speak but would just like some guidance on my situation without judgements.

I have recently separated from my partner of three and a half years, we have a six month old little girl.

Throughout the relationship there has been amazing times but a lot more downs to remember and that will stay with me forever.

My ex partner has a lot of trouble with communication and dealing with emotions, mine and his own and i believe i also do now from being with him. I used to own a business and had no trouble resolving issues I used to be bubbly and bright but naive, , but i am now absolutely mind blown about how to resolve this. he drinks a lot of alcohol and has been brought up In a mining rural town surrounded by big drinkers.

A lot of the abuse started I remember from this, I remember at times, he would come home from a pub and get in my face and say to me during a heated disagreement over something pathetic, what are you going to do hit me? I was completely confused for one I would never want to hit anyone nor had been in any fight physically with someone.

It went on and on and I started to get so angry with his behavior and how he treated me while drinking

He would be so disrespectful towards me while being under the influence I went looking for answers while he was on it and it just made the situation volatile but it was the only time I got communicating out of him. I yelled so much to express my hurt and frustration at times, called him names, followed him EverYtime he just sat there and watched me cry. I always felt like I was being punished.

He has hit me once while on drugs, and has assaulted me in other ways after, but when I look back it has only ever been from me yelling am I to blame??????

I just feel so upset that I had to yell to be respected i never wanted to intentionally hurt him and i know i have so much , but i know his actions weren't mine but I stillfeel as if I provoked him and keep blaming myself I love him very much and he said he loves me I just don't know what to do.

My family have told me to stay away but it's hard because the love is still there, and I don't want to lose my little girls father.

The last occurrence with violence happened a few weeks ago, I yelled to get my view across and be respected in regards to helping me out and respecting me as his little girls mum but i said how awful of a dad he was he packed all his things and I begged him and followed him around not to leave, so much happened next thing I know is his hands were around my next and he threatened to shoot me because he just wanted to go and I just should have let him. I didn't want to let him go nor do I want to lose him. I was terrified terrified of everything. I live in our house with my little girl but it's a really awkward upsetting situation. I'm grateful for him still helping with rent it just isn't what I expected it to be and as a family.

We have spoke since this happened now he has left and he has said he is sorry, and still loves me

I am very much in love with the good guy he can and Is, I just fear that one day I will end up dead, or if I stay my family will judge or my little girl will get taken away.

He knows his wrongs, and I know mine what would you do???

I still have so much hope we can change

I completely agree with Glok. Right now I am getting professional help for myself and once I feel ready I will add my husband in (he would benefit for therapy on his own, but we desperately need it as a couple as well). Your situation however seems a bi more desperate, and not only for your sake, but your baby girls. I made a vow that I would never ever allow my child to witness abuse, even in the form of verbal between my husband and I because it is so so damaging for a child.

Please don't just say 'it's going good now, I will just hold on to that hope that it stays that way'. If you don't address it, it won't go away. Even if it never ever happens again there will still be that feeling it could, plus blame and remorse. So it does need to be dealt with and I think it is outside of your control

I wish you the best!

It sounds more like your husband may be trying to convince you that you are the problem when in fact you most likely are the one being abused. They call this gaslighting and it's a rather nefarious form of brainwashing.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?

Therapy may help, but more than likely not, and often the women and children who live in this kind of domestic violence end up dead.

Love Be Damned!

It will not save you from an abuser, and no one can save you and your child but you!

Please contact your local domestic violence center or women's shelter sooner than later!

Whatever you do, please don't remain in it until you simply become another statistic off in a cemetery somewhere and your child end up motherless, or dead and buried along side you as well.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[IrisBloom]

Hi First time mummy. You are NEVER to blame for him doing violence to you. He is in control of his actions, not you. I know it's hard, but right now you need to take care of you and your baby. He might be an alcoholic and unless he wants to change that, it won't change. You might want to do some reading on alcoholism and domestic violence. Usually once it starts it does not get better without help. Be the strong woman you used to be.

[ThisWayOut]

The only person you can control is yourself. He is in control of his actions. Regardless of provocation, he should never be laying his hands on you in a violent manner... it may be time to look into at least some counseling for yourself, and hopefully leaving him. Your little girl will never benefit from staying with him if she is terrified either for herself or you. I grew up in that environment, and I resent it more than anything...
I know you say there is love, but no amount of love makes abuse ok. Maybe you can work something out when he is no longer violent, but don't hold your breathe for change. Being alone is scary, especially as a new mom. I can understand not wanting to be alone, but maybe you can find other support? It's not worth your life or your baby's. (Hugs)