[ThisWayOut]

Intellectually, I know I wasn't responsible for the abuse of my brother, but I can't shake the guilt over not protecting him. I know the only reason I now know it was abuse is because of my adult learning. I know I also had no power in the situation (seriously, what can a 6 year old do when faced with 3+adults perpetuating the abuse?). I know that even though I understood pain was a horrible teacher, I wasn't developmentally able to translate that to something I could have said or done to stop things, and that I really didn't know how traumatic the situation would truly be for him. Intellectually, I know all this. I know if wasn't my fault. I know I couldn't have known better at the time. But the expectations always were 1) that I had power to stop abusive situations (when I really didn't), 2) and that I could protect my brother (which I realistically could not have done). I know this, but it's not getting through to my emotional brain.
I can even hear past and present t's telling me is not my fault (while I never mentioned this to anyone, I have mentioned other things of a similar nature which they have said were not my fault). I know all this, yet the guilt and responsibility are so painful around it. I failed so many times as a kid at stopping abusive behavior and at protecting the ones I cared about... my earliest memories are of failing to protect loved ones from abuse... and I can't shake that guilt...

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Intellectually, I know I want responsible for the abuse of my brother, but I can't shake the guilt over not protecting him. I know the only reason I now know it was abuse is because of my adult learning. I know I also had no power in the situation (seriously, what can a 6 year old do when faced with 3+adults perpetuating the abuse?). I know thrash even though I understood pain was a horrible teacher, I wasnt developmentally able to translate that to something I could have said or done to stop things, and that I really didn't know how traumatic the situation would truly be for him. Intellectually, I know all this. I know if want my fault. I know I couldn't have known better at the time. But the expectations always were 1) that I had power to stop abusive situations (when I really didn't), 2) and that I could project my brother (which I realistically could not have done). I know this, but it's not getting through to my emotional brain.
I can even hear past and present t's telling me is not my fault (while I never mentioned this to anyone, I have mentioned other things of a similar nature which they have said were not my fault). I know all this, yet the guilt and responsibility are so painful around it. I failed so many times as a kid at stopping abusive behavior and at protecting the ones I cared about... my earliest memories are of failing to protect loved ones from abuse... and I can't shake that guilt...

Hello ThisWayOut: I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this guilt. As you clearly already know intellectually, none of this was your fault. But, of course, as you say, knowing something intellectually, & having it sink in emotionally are two different things. I wonder if there are things you imagine you might have done to have protected your brother.

I cannot say I was ever in the kind of situation you describe. But I do have difficult memories from my early childhood I carry with me to this day. I've kept mine deeply hidden though. And there they will remain.

[vonmoxie]

Hi ThisWayOut.

As a child I was both a victim and a witness of abuse, as was every sibling of mine, and we were each made powerless in the situation in different ways. Each of our personalities, our faith, our goodness, was preyed upon by the presence of evil, for a lack of a better word, existing in the most unexpected places -- namely our parents. My own experience with that is that each of my siblings and myself has nothing but empathy for one another (except for one who has a disorder that seems to prevent empathetic feeling entirely); we were all victims and understand that wholly. But I do think it very much complicates healing, the way that it so intertwines our many feelings associated with the abuse: pain, shame, guilt, everything. Hard enough to sort out our own feelings, but as the number of people involved expands, so, in my experience, does the complication of the emotional distress incurred.

The only thing that's helped me with the issue of blame, of taking responsibility for what I could not prevent -- and I am by no means suggesting that I am without ongoing pain associated with the experience -- but I do consider that allowing myself to blame my childhood responses for trauma incurred by others is in a way, releasing perpetrators from blame that they should own.