[WantToGrow]

I was listening to Dr. Drew last night and the caller was talking about how she had to think about other things during sex, and she had been sexually abused. Years ago, my sister went to a therapist who had her thinking she'd been sexually abused, though she had no actual memories of it. I went to that therapist, too, and the same thing happened. I have no recollection of abuse. However, we both became bulimic and have a host of psychological issues. My sister was very promiscuous, and I was the opposite. When I hit puberty, I hid my small breasts by wearing my navy blue hoodie every single day in hopes boys wouldn't look at my boobs. Into adulthood, I have been very shy and find it hard to make eye contact with people, especially men. I never put out signals that I was available, feared getting pregnant in junior and high school so never got beyond kissing, and only had a few boyfriends that didn't last long.

There was one boyfriend I had briefly the summer I graduated highschool, and he was the timid one - I was sexually aggressive with him!

My first boyfriend came when I was 18, and he was 27. I lost my virginity to him and stayed with him for 8 years! After him, I was pretty aggressive with the next couple of boyfriends until I finally got married to my husband. We've been together for 18 years.

All my sex drive is up front in a relationship, when the guy is hot for me. I can be an animal, but then it wanes pretty quickly. I am not overtly affectionate with my husband because it turns him on and then he wants sex which I more often than not don't want. I long for the snuggling without it turning into a hard on that must be satisfied.

And, when we have sex, I find it hard to be engaged. I have had no sex drive for years. I can come, but with much hard work and frustration. My mind wanders all over the place. I don't get aroused by sexual content very easily if at all.

I do remember when I was maybe 7 or 8 that I got in trouble playing doctor with my next door girlfriend. I don't remember who initiated, but we were sticking objects in the ****. Then, I was involved that way with another girl friend, so I must have been the one who initiated there. I was chastised by my mom and I don't remember much beyond that, other than that I felt ashamed about all things sex there on out.

My memory is pretty poor. I have hit menopause and finally want to be able to enjoy sex with my husband, the desire of which has led me to wonder more about this.

Maybe the childhood doctor stuff was enough to cause my problems, or I've subverted some other abuse so deeply that I don't remember, but what would be the next logical step?

[kaliope]

i had all the symptoms of being sexually abused but no memories whatsoever. i have ptsd but thought this was from physical and emotional abuse. working with a trauma t i was diagnosed with DID. with hypnosis, it has come out about the sexual abuse. there have been hints of it, suspected it over the years, but now my alters have confirmed what happened.