[Josieanna]

So I was a clever kid, things came easily to me. I excelled academically and had my whole future ahead of me (planned down to the tiniest detail) I shared a bedroom with my older sister who was more a social butterfly and was definitely not interested in academia at all. In addition to my older sister I had two older brothers and two younger brothers. Life wasn't all roses but I had no complaints. I had best friends, friends and although I didn't really get on with my sister I did get along with her friends.
I was the typical middle child. I didn't rock the boat or cause trouble so I was at times pretty invisible. Us kids knew how it worked. Mum had her favourites, my oldest brother and my youngest brother....nothing was too much trouble for them. My dad favoured my second oldest brother and my sister. Now this isn't me saying oh woe is me, feel sorry for me. This is just the way it was. You can ask any of my siblings and they will tell you the same thing. I'm not after anyone's pity. I'm lucky, I only have two children, both girls, so I have my two favourites, my big girl and my baby's girl. Being stuck in the middle could be hard at times. My birthday was 13 days after my sisters. It always felt like effort was made to get my sisters presents but by my birthday the money wasn't flowing. If I'm honest I did resent this. I still do. Anyway for my sisters 16th birthday my mum and dad agreed to her having a grown up party. They would be out until 2 and she could invite a few friends. My oldest brother was a DJ so he did the music and lights. Mum prepared the buffet and they then left for the night. I was 14 (13 days til my 15th birthday) I was so excited. I borrowed some clothes off my sister. It was a skirt and top but together it looked like a dress. Now I was never the wearing a dress kind of girl. I wore jeans, jeans with baggy t-shirts, jeans with denim tops....never skirts, never tight fitting tops because unfortunately I was cursed with large breasts. My sister had normal sized boobs and mine, well they were out of control. My sister *****ed at me about stretching her top out and that I better not ruin it. It made me more determined to wear it, just knowing I was pissing her off gave me joy. My older brothers weren't happy with my choice of outfit. My oldest brother demanded I changed so I put a tight short purple dress on, which was even more obscene and he soon agreed that the black top and skirt was a better option.
There were loads of us getting ready at the same time. The girls pooled their makeup...I didn't own any makeup. It was never something that appealed to me. One of My sisters friends did mine for me. When I looked in the mirror instead of seeing my 14 year old self looking back I saw someone who looked more grown up. I felt grown up. When I was handed the bottle of wine I drank from it. I didn't give it a second thought. I didn't want the older girls to think I was a baby. By half 8 my sister was out cold in her bed. She'd drunk far too much far too quickly. Her boyfriend had agreed to stay with her and keep an eye on her to make sure she wasn't sick. I didn't care. I thought it was funny she was missing her own party. That night as I was dancing like a 14 year old drunk girl, I revelled in the fact that my sister was missing out. I danced with my friends, my sisters friends, my brothers friends. The house was packed. There were people everywhere. There were loads of boys from my year at school, including the boy I had a massive crush on. I was in my element. Showing off, being the life and soul of the party. My second oldest brother told me to calm down, I told him to **** off. He'd been caught joyriding and we'd been making his life a misery since he'd done it. He stomped off and I thought that was hilarious. I was pathetic. As the night went on I drank more and more. I wasn't falling over drunk but my inhibitions were down. I slow danced with Rob. Rob was my second oldest brothers best friend. He was four years older than me. We'd grown up on the same street. I guess I saw him like a cousin. I called his mum and dad auntie and uncle. While we were dancing, He kissed me. I pushed him away. I didn't like him like that. (And if I'm totally honest I didn't want the boy I had a crush on thinking I was with someone else) He laughed it off so I laughed it off. I went and danced with some lads from my class. They had been drinking and kept talking about my boobs. it made me uncomfortable so I went looking for my best friend who had left the room about 15 minutes before with another lad from my class. I found them kissing. I remember thinking I was going to wind her up about this the next day. I literally saw her change colour infront of my eyes and then she started throwing up in a waste paper basket. This made me want to be sick. So I ran for the toilet. Mum would kill me if I spewed on her bedroom carpet. The bathroom was occupied and so I ran outside. It was freezing and at this point I realised how drunk I actually was. I'd felt pretty stable up to that point but I was swaying all over the place. The cold didn't sober me up, it just made me feel more drunk. I could hear the music thumping from the house and the thought of going back into that made my head spin. That's when I saw Rob again. He'd followed me outside and I thought he was there to look after me. We walked down the side of the house and into the back garden where there was a pub style bench my dad had built, Rob held me up until we got to the bench. I sat at the bench with my legs under the table. I don't recall whose idea it was to go into the back garden but I suspect it was probably mine. I remember sitting down and putting my head on the table and I remember Rob saying he would fetch me a glass of water. When I woke up my top had been pulled up, my boobs were exposed and he had one hand on my boob. The other hand was holding my hand on his penis. I tried to pull my hand away from it and pull my top down with the other hand. He just laughed and carried on. I eventually got my top so it was sort of covering me. He got so mad with me. Called me a prick tease. I'd never seen Rob really get mad before and although I was petrified I laughed. I f**king laughed. He went nuts. He grabbed my hair and made me put his penis in my mouth. I gagged and he thought that was funny. I was crying. I didn't want this. He told me to suck it but I wouldn't. He was pulling on my hair so hard I thought it would all come out. He just kept saying suck it, suck it. So I did. I thought that way it would be over quicker. I though about biting it off. I don't know why I didn't. Then he pulled me off the bench by my hair. My knee got trapped between the table and the bench and as it came free I banged it on the concrete floor. I remember laying there and looking up at Rob and I couldn't understand what was happening. I'd known him all my life. His jeans were still unfastened and I tried to get up off the floor but he pushed me back down. I started begging him to stop He told me I wanted it, I'd been asking for it. He laid on top of me and I tried to buck and push him off. He was too heavy and he grabbed my face in his hands. He brought his face right up to mine and told me to shut the **** up. It was the look in his eyes I remember most. He then banged my head on the floor. I don't remember him taking my knickers off, pulling my top up or pulling my skirt up but I do remember the pain of him forcing himself into me. He had one hand at each side of my head. I was still crying. I'd stopped asking him to stop. I didn't want to look at him, I didn't want to acknowledge what was happening. I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't catch my breath. All the time he was doing it he was talking to me. Saying sick s**t telling me what he was going to do to me. Asking me if I was going to cum. The pain wasn't going away. Not only did I think I was going to die, I was hoping it would be soon. I don't know how long he raped me for. It felt like a lifetime. He came inside me. I didn't know that straight away. He just started grunting and then stopped and I curled into a ball on that freezing concrete. I prayed he would leave but he didn't. He sat back on the table part of the bench and started talking to me like nothing had happened. I was laid on the freezing concrete floor, broken and bleeding and he was talking to me like he always had done. I didn't reply. He said he would take me to the pictures if I wanted and we could go to McDonalds. I could hear the words, i just didn't understand what had happened. Had I asked for that? Had I done something that I couldn't remember? I started shivering. Proper body shaking shivering. I don't know why he did the next thing either, I know he was really mad at me. He grabbed my face and I thought he was going to rape me again. He stood up, laughed and then urinated on me. He p**sed on me like I was nothing. As he was leaving he warned me not to say anything. That no one would believe me, they'd all seen me drunk and dancing with anyone with a pair of trousers on. I sat myself up after he left. I remember sitting their, cold, wet and bleeding and wanting to die. It was only the thought that my dad would find me like that dead, that he'd know what's happened that made me stand up. As I did I felt it running down my legs, mixed with my blood. I spewed. I spewed until I was completely empty. I let myself into the house through the back door. Everyone had gone. I cleaned myself up in the toilet downstairs. I realised that my head was bleeding as well. I snuck into the house and I could hear my mum and dad shouting at my older brothers in the lounge so I snuck upstairs. My friend was already asleep in my bed. Two of my sisters friends were asleep on our bedroom floor so I climbed onto my bed and just sat up all night tracing the shapes on my quilt. I learnt to cry without making a sound. I was devastated and numb all at the same time. I smelt like him and urine. I wanted a shower but I had to wait until everyone was asleep. I didn't sleep. At six my alarm went off and I could finally get in the shower. I sat there for over and hour. I sort of went into autopilot. I even went to do my paper round. My knee hurt, my head hurt, everything hurt but I didn't want to let the paper shop down. Rob was waiting for me at the top of the street. He still had the same clothes on. I remember thinking oh god He's going to do it again.He made loads of threats as to why I should not tell anybody. Did he not realise that I would rather die than let anyone know what I had done? I didn't say a word to him. I just shook my head. He kissed me. I stood there and let him kiss me. He put his revolting tongue in my mouth and I just stood there. Like a statue. He told me he could have me anytime he wanted. I just stood there until he went. Then I threw up again. That afternoon I was going to kill myself. I couldn't face the thought of that happening again. I'd got a bottle of paracetamol and I knew I had enough to do it. If my dad hadn't kicked the bedroom door open I probably would have gone through with it. My parents called me dramatic and selfish. How me killing myself would have affected them. Rob remained a fixture in our home. Spending time with my brother, I didn't feel safe even in my own bedroom. He'd walked in the weekend after, straight into my bedroom and sat on the windowsill. I was sat on my bed (top bunk) and I think I even stopped breathing. He just laughed and said the word "see" I spent a lot of time hiding after that. Sitting in the loft, after six months Dad agreed to putting a lock back on my bedroom door and just before Christmas Rob and his family moved house. I don't remember my 15th birthday. I spent just less than a year avoiding anyone and everyone. My friends, my family. The sad part is although I never wanted anyone to know, no one ever questioned why I changed after that party. Why I turned myself into a loner. Why I rejected my friends. Why I gave up on education, why I gave up on my dreams. I guess being invisible really paid off.

Sorry I've had to edit this. It pasted twice and some of it embarrasses me so I've changed to wording

[nicoleflynn]

Being raped is NOT your fault. I hope you will bet into counseling.We all CHOOSe our behavior.

[Bluegrey]

Well done for writing it all out, Josieanna, and having the courage to post it here. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I'm sure that you will find some help here.


Bluegrey

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, firstly real respect for your bravery in managing to share what happened to you. I know that must have been incredibly hard for you, and I hope you can find some real pride in yourself for getting it out there.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but please remember none of it was your fault. Doesn't mater one iota what you were wearing, how much you drank............none of it!!!
You did not deserve for that to happen to you!!!
Now this might be a big step for you...........and in your own time..........but do you think you could copy all, or at least some, of this to show to your counselor???
You really shouldn't need to feel embarrassed, ashamed, afraid of starting to let them know what happened, and how it's effecting you. You weren't to blame for any of this, and none of it should allow anyone to see you as any less of a person. You deserve their help!!!
So, at your own pace..........you can always show them this and tell them you want to talk about it, but they need to let you do it in your own time..........maybe later in the session or maybe in another session........if you want. No pressure, but please try to allow yourself the help you so clearly deserve.

Alison

[Josieanna]

I've emailed my T a very shortened much more condensed, straight to the point paragraph. I can't sit in a room with them knowing all the ins and outs. I expected my world to end today....this is the first time I've told ANYONE what happened. Knowing that people out there know is scary as s**t but also a little reassuring. My T in our last session used the word RAPE...it sent me in a tail spin. No one had ever really acknowledge what had happened to me. I still feel a great sense of shame, I can't imagine that is going to change any time soon, but I want to be a survivor.....not a victim

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, you are a survivor, "just" by having made it this far you are a survivor!!!
I know it's all really painful for you still, but it can get better. And you've certainly been taking steps towards that.
Now, really well done on having sent that to your T, disclosing things that have happened can be so important.
And as for not wanting them to know everything.............I know you struggle with feelings of shame, guilt.........so do reckon you're thinking that they are going to look at you/think about you in the same way too???
Because, honestly, you really have nothing to feel shameful, guilty..........about. It wasn't your fault. And other people, anyone who understands, is going to completely see that too.

Alison

[Josieanna]

Saw my T today....first time post email... It was ok. After spending weeks staring at the wall I could look them in the eyes and yes I felt uncomfortable and I did want to keep staring at the wall but I didnt. I held my head up. I had a conversation. I even said the words out loud. Not the whole incident but the word rape. They said it last Wednesday's and today I said it. My world didn't end...no one has died and although my anxieties are still there, I'm still having the flash backs I feel a strange sense of relief. I Still haven't told anyone who is part of my actual day to day life, my family don't know, my friends don't know....my work colleagues don't know. I can't ever see a point where I would want to tell them. The shame is still ever present but it's not just mine anymore. The guilt is still there but again It's not just mine. 22 years it has taken me to place any of the blame of Robs shoulders....22 years I've been carrying it like it's just mine. Today I'm as mad as......well I don't know what but it would be something that's very very mad. (Not nutty mad for a change)

[Frankbtl]

Josieanna!!!!
I'm so proud for you!!!!
That was amazing, because I know it can be such an incredibly hard thing to do.............to say it aloud to someone. And you did it!!!!
And of course it won't be the end of..........the feelings.........the flashbacks..........just like that, and there will be hard times ahead, but "just" by saying can be the start of...........the start of the road to recovery.
And as for your family.......the people in your day to day life, well you don't have to tell them until you're ready. If you decide you need/want to tell any of them at all. That's completely up to you, and just give yourself time to decide when/if you want to tell them.
You've made a huge breakthrough already!!!
And you're absolutely right, you don't deserve the burden, the blame, the shame, the guilt........what happened was NOT something you did.
And you know you're more than what happened, so much more. So time for you to take back the control and get the help you need.

Alison

[Josieanna]

Today has been a bad day. Today I'm irritable and very angry. My T has told me this in normal, but I feel crap about it. Hi think deep down that if I got most of the stuff out there, then I wouldn't be tormented by it...
I managed to run through the entire rape on Wednesday during my EMDR session. It's the first time. My T thinks I didn't block it this time because my perspective about blame has changed, but I'm still punishing myself. I know it's not all my fault. The shame I feel at the moment is so overwhelming. I'm supposed to sit with it. Not to obsessively clean, but I just can't seem to give myself a break. I just can't seem to be kind to myself

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, really sorry it's such a tough day for you
And I know being told it's "normal" doesn't make those feelings any the easier, does it?
And you know, things might get even harder before they can get a bit better..........but just look at just how far you've come already!!!!
I mean you've actually managed to talk about what happened to you and your perspective is changing on the issue of blame!!!
Now I know it might not feel like it, and things are still going to be raw for you but I'd say that is pretty amazing already!!!!
Just this bit: "I know it's not all my fault" now that is really good considering how you felt before, but please remember none of it was your fault. And all the shame should be on the person who did that to you, not on you.
I do know that it might take quite a while yet until you can start really feeling/believing that, but just hold onto that thought if/when you can for me, hey??
And you know as well that you can talk openly about what happened here and none of us are going to be thinking you should feel ashamed (not even remotely!!!), right??
Plenty of us are going to understand those feelings but none of us are going to be thinking you should be ashamed, if that makes sense? So don't just sit with it, hey??
And if a bit of cleaning helps then allow yourself to do some, sometimes it can be real tough to process things and you need a bit of an outlet. Perhaps time to order yourself to have a break at times though, and perhaps time to order yourself to be kind to yourself as much as you can.

Alison

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by Josieanna

I've emailed my T a very shortened much more condensed, straight to the point paragraph. I can't sit in a room with them knowing all the ins and outs. I expected my world to end today....this is the first time I've told ANYONE what happened. Knowing that people out there know is scary as s**t but also a little reassuring. My T in our last session used the word RAPE...it sent me in a tail spin. No one had ever really acknowledge what had happened to me. I still feel a great sense of shame, I can't imagine that is going to change any time soon, but I want to be a survivor.....not a victim

You are already a survivor. You survived it. That automatically makes you a survivor. You are strong. You are brave. You are amazing. I admire you, and your ability to share. Thank you.

[Josieanna]

Got a 13 hour shift to work, on no sleep. I can't stop being sick. My anxiety levels are 9 out of 10....I can't stop crying...today is not going to be a good day. I had a flashback an hour ago. It feels like it just happened all over again. I am at the end of my rope today. How am I supposed to care for my patients when I can't care for myself

[mimsies]

BREATHE. You can do it.

Break your shift down into manageable pieces, even if that is only five minute chunks. What I mean is, pick a time in the close future, maybe 5-60 minutes, and just do what you are supposed to do, and stay concentrated on getting to that time. Take a nice break, toss back a fruit snack or gummy bear, or well liked fruit juice, or something that is a small treat for you. Then do it again. Find a little reward for every goal reached.

When you get home, give yourself a bigger reward. Take a bath, or watch a funny movie you love, or read something you have been wanting to read, or whatever makes you feel even just a little bit good. Come in here if you want, and celebrate making it through. If you need to, cry, or scream, or beat up pillows (or throw them around the house).

You can do this.

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by Josieanna

Got a 13 hour shift to work, on no sleep. I can't stop being sick. My anxiety levels are 9 out of 10....I can't stop crying...today is not going to be a good day. I had a flashback an hour ago. It feels like it just happened all over again. I am at the end of my rope today. How am I supposed to care for my patients when I can't care for myself

Are you OK? Did you make it?

[Josieanna]

I made it I had a flashback around lunch time. Probably the worst one I've ever had. It was awful. But I got through it. Saw my therapist today. he is part of my occupational health team at work. He's suggested that I should be off work. I can't face being trapped at home. At least going to work makes me leave the house. I'm just so tired of the flashbacks. I wish they would just stop.
It's such a strange feeling knowing that others know what has happened to me in my past. That people who don't know me have shown me such support and compassion at a time I've not been able to be kind to myself. I thank you all for that. It really does mean the world to me. I come on here and I'm allowed to be broken... I'm not judged or blamed for what happened. Thank you x x x

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, hey well done on making it through that day, it must have been so hard and taken amazing strength!!!!
And the flashbacks..........I know they've got to be next to (if not!!) torture at times. And I wish I could say "hope they stop soon" but they can persist particularly after you've started to open up about what happened, but that's not to say that you can't gradually get better able to manage their actual effects on you, and enable them to be less frequent, And talking with your therapist may help you on that road until............
And you probably know anyway.........but the flashbacks can all be part of the healing process, the road to recovery. I know that they are probably the last thing you want, but you are doing so well in confronting what happened/starting to talk about it, working towards a better future for yourself. You deserve that!!!!
And I can completely understand your need to be at work...........sometimes a distraction from...........a little "normalisation"/routine..............but maybe if you could reduce your hours a little?? or book some holiday if you need it?? or at least say you can't if you're asked to work (too many?) extra hours?? Remember that you do understandably have a lot to cope with and..........whatever's best for you, hey??
And.............you should never be judged or blamed for what happened. Let's help you to be kind to yourself hey?........and in-between/anytime of coursewe're here for you.
Alison

[mimsies]

I am so glad you handled it! I understand not wanting to be off work, but agree with Alison that maybe you could look into less stressful hours for a little while.

I also agree that you shouldn't be judged or blamed for what has happened to you.

Try at least one thing everyday that is a kindness you can show yourself. And enjoy it instead of feeling guilty.

Glad to be here for you, when you need someone.