[Josieanna]

It feels like the person I was is now gone forever and who I am right now changes minute by minute....I find this world so confusing but a little more bearable than I did a week ago. So everyday I'm going to ask myself who am I today?

[Josieanna]

Today I'm that scared 14 year old again. The one who doesn't want to open the curtains in case I see him. I'm afraid of the dark, the light, my own shadow, my breathing, the strange noises and the long silences. I'm that girl that is too scared to cry. For months All I've done is cry, now I'm too scared to cry, my truth is too near the surface and I fear I will blurt it out. I'm that girl who is too scared she will pollute the world and the people around her with what I did. I'm the girl whose world is caving in on her, crumbling around her feet. I'm the girl who causes chaos wherever she goes. I'm the girl who can't trust her own judgement....I've got it wrong too many time. I'm the girl who is scared that her past will ruin her children's future. I'm the girl who craves love but won't accept it when it's offered to her. I'm the 14 year old girl who punishes herself, who won't allow herself to eat, to sleep, to relax, to enjoy life. I'm the little girl who doesn't believe she deserves any of these things. I'm the girl who is petrified of the pauses, because it's in these pauses that I have time to think, to think about my past that's invading my present and my future. I'm the girl who just wants to sleep but won't because of the nightmares. I fear that I won't wake up and I'll be trapped back there again. I'm the girl that's trapped in the past and too afraid of the future.

[Josieanna]

Who am I today?
Today I am lost. Why can't I care about myself. I care about my children, I care about my family, I care about my patients, but I can't find even a little bit of compassion for myself. I'm in full blame mode this morning. How can I feel so numb and hurt so much at the same time? I want to sterilise my mind, get rid of the dirt but it keeps following me. Today I am the girl who deserves everything she got

[Bluegrey]

((Josieanna))

I'm sorry no one has replied to you before now, and that you are going through such a difficult time. I'm glad, though, that you are finding things more bearable than they were last week.

It sounds as if you are struggling a lot with old memories - whatever happened to you, it will not have been your fault. And you did not deserve abuse of any sort.

Do you have a therapist or someone to help you?


Bluegrey

[Josieanna]

Thanks for the reply....I'm not disheartened by no replies...it's more about me being able to express how I feel. Something I'm currently struggling with. I'm finding it's getting easier to be able to put this mixture of feelings into words. I do have a T. I'm hoping that expressing myself on here will help me be able to express myself in my sessions instead of staring at the wall and avoiding looking at them. I do appreciate you taking the time to reply though. The day has got better as its gone on. I almost had a nap lol.

[Josieanna]

Today I'm trying to follow my T advice and not punish myself. I'm not being judge, jury and executioner. I'm not going to deny myself food or drink and I will spend part of the day doing something I enjoy. Every time I feel the need to punish myself I'm going to repeat the phrase my T gave me...."I'm not prepared to play his game, I will not let him win" this is the person I want to be today...it's a work in progress

[Josieanna]

Today I'm fragile, very fragile. I managed to sleep last night and had the same nightmare three times. The third time I woke in full panic attack mode. I've done nothing but vommit and itch since I woke. My nightmares take me back there, the flashbacks take me back there. Today I'm a 36 year old who doesn't know how to cope anymore. I'm trying my best not to let him win, to not play his game but no matter what I do I'm terrified. I don't want to leave my house. Today I want it all to go away. I desperately need this whole thing to stop. I want some peace. I'm frantically cleaning my house, to try and cleanse myself, my environment but nothing is safe. I'm not safe. The pain and memories won't let me be. I think my soul is dying.

[Josieanna]

Today Im hiding from the world. I collapsed at the side of a patients bed. I thought I was going to die. I've had chest pain before but today was different. I was back there....it was awful. Afterwards I had a hot flush and vomited. I went to T and tried my best to participate. I'd made a list of why it's my fault and another list of why it's not my fault....it's supposed to help me gain perspective. I wouldn't give my list to my T. I felt like such an idiot. I spent the whole session apologising. Today I'm the person who says sorry to everyone. I'm the person who can't help herself. I tried to be brave and posted the list under the door after I had left. I'm the girl who came home and instead of feeding her children I have laid in bed for nearly three hours. I'm the girl who is completely panicked that someone else now has a list of why I blame myself and also relieved...does this mean I've took the first step to sharing what happened? Am I going to get past this? Will I ever be better? Cured? Sane? Today I don't know if I'm more scared of the past or the future.

[Josieanna]

Who am I today? I'm the girl that doesn't want to get out of bed. How can something that happened over 20 years ago be messing my head up again. How come the scared 14 year old me managed to bury this and tried to move on but this weak 36 year old can't? I still can't say the words out loud. I still havent managed to write them on here. I type and delete...if only the memories were so easy to get rid of. If only the act could be so easily gotten rid of. My soul still aches, the darkness still weighs heavy and the silence still scares me. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and yet I'm the girl who still says yes to social situations that I know I won't follow through with. Today I'm seriously disappointed with myself