[striped_unicorn]

My husband is in one of his good cycles
My daughter, 6, has been super apologetic since about a week into this cycle and now she is acting out, having terrible tantrums

Sometimes they are in the presence of my husband, but not always

It is very frustrating, she is constantly toeing the line I have set

I make clear the expectation I have, and let her know what the consequence will be... She doesn't care, I tell her if she continues to do xyz,I will take this and this away

Well, she has lost pretty much everything for a week right now and I don't know what to do with her

I am almost certain the behavior is testing to see if my husband will 'break'and return back to his 'other' self
But I'm not sure why she has them with just me
Any help?

[StressedMess]

Just a hug. I can't count the number of times family friends and babysitters have said "she only acts like this when you're around." Very disheartening and I'm not sure how to fix it. My 6 year old is in therapy and recently started medication, and her behavior has improved in some areas and gotten much worse in others.

What she's doing is seeking some kind of comfort or reassurance from you, that no matter how she acts, you're always the same mom. Dad is a different dad sometimes, confusing and scary for her. Consistency is key. I can preach it but it's SO hard to practice it.

My dd knows if she cries loud or long enough I'll give in, because I showed her that she could by giving in all the time. Now that I'm really not giving in, her behavior got worse, thinking she ramped it up to force that reaction she is seeking. This time I'm strong, and hopefully next time as well.

Sorry not more helpful, I really feel for you and know where you're coming from. Hugs!!

[Bluegrey]

You have probably already tried this, but would some sort of distraction work? Just doing something totally different together, perhaps? It would have to be something she would be likely to enjoy, of course, but if you can find something to break the cycle it might help.

Good luck.


Bluegrey

[Frankbtl]

Hi striped,
I totally get how completely draining and frustrating this must be for you and how you must feel so powerless at times (no inhibitions for your daughter in tantrums, right??). And it must seem that all you have left is to try to make as big an impact as you can in taking stuff from her, showing her that her behavior is unacceptable.
But I just wouldn't go down the "punishment" route unless absolutely necessary. When she's having a tantrum her emotions are probably going to be heading way out there and in the moment she might not even realize fully or even care what might happen. And loosing stuff might well make her build a resentment towards you, feel like it doesn't matter to you at all that she was hurting, feel that you don't care. And you know, when she's already lost some of the most important things to her, there's not much incentive to adjust her behavior if she's already emotionally "wound up"/distressed at a particular time. And when her things keep going and coming back, there is a chance she's going to start caring less about them anyway. All kind of sad.
And if it even marginally works well that's kind of teaching her to behave a certain way because she feels she has to be seen to be/is worried that if she doesn't then.............not because she actually wants to behave that certain way or because she cares about behaving a certain way.
So, of course I'm going to say firstly try to have a think about why she's behaving like that, and it might even be some obscure reason or something she doesn't want to/can't talk to you about.............maybe when she's calm/when you're enjoying something together start to talk to her about her behavior, ask her why's, ask her how she feels about.........(and read between the lines if she isn't forthcoming!!) reassure/comfort her about things it might be, let her know that she can talk to you about anything..............
And the behaviour.........different things you can try........e.g. distract her, act as if it isn't happening in a positive way towards leading her towards something else, walk away and come back when she's calming down (might have to go come back a few times!!), give her a compromise to what she's looking for, if it's a thing (without actually rewarding her for the behaviour!!), just sit with her a distance away and talk calmly/reassuringly until it abates (not rewarding her, because you'd be talking to her about her behavior afterwards).
And ultimately give her lots of positives, praise, appreciation when she behaves well including if she gets upset but manages to head of the extremes of behaviour and you both manage to resolve the issues between you.
And perhaps set up some "rules" between you, with the explanation (in a way she understands/meaningful to her) as to why they are in place e.g. no snacks after x o'clock because.........and both agree on what x o'clock is.
And in general, try to make sure you're really expressive on what she means to you. Afterall you'll still love her, right?? It's just the behavior you don't love/like, right??

If you're still really struggling with "challenging" behavior after everything though maybe look up "gentle teaching" online, a few more approaches which might help in there.......

And last thought!!! It might help if you talk a bit more to her, in a real simple way she can understand, about what your husband goes through. To her it might all seem so much the unknown, unpredictable, scary, confusing..........but talking to her might clear a few things up for her, allow her to better understand the situation.



Alison